Are you ready for some great jokes?

Question

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

_____

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and
his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the men ,"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?"

_____

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The
salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he
is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he
deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the
counter.

She says: confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this: yesterday, I sent my wife to
the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin
of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own...so does she."

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of
yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

_____

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day - 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men."

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you
would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to
you!" _____

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM" and left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece .

Answer 1

OMG the cigarettes and the tampon thing was so finny. The rest was also good but not near as funny as the first 2.

Answer 2

heard it b4 right here it's: One day Bill complained to his buddy that his elbow quite harm. His buddy advised that he pass to a pc on the drug retailer that may diagnose whatever faster and less expensive than a healthcare professional. ''Simply installed a pattern of your urine and the pc will diagnose your difficulty and let you know what you'll do approximately it. It handiest expenses $10." Bill figured he had not anything to lose, so he stuffed a jar with a urine pattern and went to the drug retailer. Finding the pc, he poured within the pattern and deposited the $10. The pc began making a few noise and quite a lot of lighting began flashing. After a short lived pause out popped a small slip of paper on which used to be revealed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in hot water. Avoid heavy lifting. It can be larger in 2 weeks." Later that night at the same time pondering how potent this new technological know-how used to be and the way it could difference scientific technology eternally, he started to wonder whether this desktop would be fooled. He combined in combination a few faucet water, a stool pattern from his puppy and urine samples from his spouse and daughter. To most sensible it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went again to the drug retailer, placed the desktop, poured within the pattern and deposited the $10. The pc once more made the typical noise and revealed out the next message: "Your faucet water is just too difficult. Get a water softener. Your puppy has worms. Get him nutrients. Your daughter is utilizing cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation health facility. Your spouse is pregnant with dual ladies. They don't seem to be yours. Get a legal professional. And if you do not quit jerking off, your tennis elbow will under no circumstances get larger."

Answer 3

...At CBS headquarters in New York, there is a teakwood bust of Connie Chung in the lobby - it is known as "Chung in Teak".
************************************************************
...There was a Chinaman, named Chan. He had a shop where he did lovely carvings in teakwood.
...He opened up one day and noticed that his shop had been broken into, some of his teakwood carvings were missing. He also noticed a pair of small, human-like footprints on the floor.
...Chan decided to stay in his shop after closing, hoping that the thief would return, and if so, he would catch him in the act.
...Well, sure enough, the thief did return that night after Chan closed the shop, and broke in. The thief was a bear, and he grabbed a few more carvings, and headed for the door. Before he could escape, Chan jumped in front of him from behind the counter and exclaimed,
"Ah hah! So it's you, boy-foot bear with teaks of Chan!"

Answer 4

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.
Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

Answer 5

The silent treatment one was hilarious!

Answer 6

Thank you so much. Giggles. Tension just lightened by half in my neck and shoulders.

Answer 7

I laughed at the CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS that was funny

Answer 8

Those jokes were absolutely terrific!

Answer 9

These are great fun! Loved the marriage seminar one - totally clueless. Thanks.

Answer 10

Funny... LOL