Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

Looking for different answers!!

2006-10-21 00:44:30 · 42 answers · asked by *Glamour* 2

there was a young man from namtucket,
who's d**k was so long he could suck it,
he wiped off his chin and said with a grin,
if my ear was a c*** i would f*** it.

2006-10-21 00:23:08 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter.
Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules.
It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel.
There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

SCENE # 2:In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack.
The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.

2006-10-21 00:22:25 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter.
Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules.
It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel.
There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

SCENE # 2:In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack.
The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.

2006-10-21 00:22:06 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a young lady from Chester,
Who worked as a licorice taster,
She said with a grin as she shovelled some in,
Mmph mrmm hmmgm phmgh mmmrm memm.

2006-10-21 00:18:25 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man was wandering on a beach one day, when he tripped over a decorative vase, with a cork stuffed into the top. He was curious about why someone would take the trouble to stuff a cork into this vase, so he uncorked the vase. Instantly, a giant cloud came surging out of the vase, and to the old man's amazement, a genie formed from the cloud.

"I will grant you three wishes, my new master," said the genie to the old man. But the genie cautioned the old man to be careful for what he wished for. "All you need do is utter the words 'I wish' and then tell me your fondest desire and, I will make it reality," said the genie.

Well, the old man was truly excited! There were SO many things he would like, and he thought about what he would wish for long and hard.

At long last, he said, "Genie, I wish to be 25 years old again!" POOF!
The old man is gone, replaced by a young, handsome version.

2006-10-21 00:14:42 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

a chicken and a egg were in bed together, they just finished having sex, the chicken turns to the egg and says do you think we should tell them?

My b'f just told me that one... and i dont get it!

2006-10-21 00:13:07 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"
No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset!
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

2006-10-21 00:08:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do you see four times a week, twice a month and once a year

2006-10-20 23:44:21 · 9 answers · asked by sunil j 2

Fill in the blank

2006-10-20 23:42:23 · 5 answers · asked by KEITH G 4

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.



2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."



3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.



4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.



5. A man walks into a bar with a slab o f asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."



6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"



7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."



8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.



9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.



10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.



11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.



12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"



13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.



14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.



15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"



16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."



18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).. a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

2006-10-20 23:38:10 · 14 answers · asked by Scythe 1

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Of course," comes the reply.
The 1st man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the 2nd. The 1st man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the 2nd man.
Curious, the 1st man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the 1st man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the 2nd man.
Curiosity again strikes and the 1st man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the 2nd man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the 1st man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

2006-10-20 23:28:18 · 8 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-10-20 23:28:12 · 25 answers · asked by lozzi_pop22 4

Give me what in your opinion is the funniest joke u have heard.

2006-10-20 23:10:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-20 22:58:06 · 26 answers · asked by leo 1

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Quiet!” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,”

“And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding so he’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the guy in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

2006-10-20 22:56:37 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were these two guys working late in a morgue, when one guy said, “Hey man there is a woman in there with a shrimp in her vagina!”
The other asked, “What is a shrimp doing a dead woman's vagina? Let me go see.”

Both of them went in the room with the woman, and they both curiosly looked. Finally, the second man said, “You idiot, this ain't no shrimp it's a clitoris.”

And the other man replied, “Well, it tasted like shrimp to me.”

2006-10-20 22:53:41 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Well, this is a very important question, so give me your answers, as silly as you want, and as dumb. Dumb and dumber are welcome to answer this one. I will tell you the answer, as soon as I create one....so it is up to you. . .

2006-10-20 22:45:06 · 1 answers · asked by shardf 5

man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to ?"
"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, "you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to,you IDIOT ?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

2006-10-20 22:22:54 · 6 answers · asked by $/\/@ZZY G@L 3

While you are driving in a hard rain, you see 3 people waiting for a bus in a bus stop :-
1. A friend who once saved your life
2. An old man that looks like he will going to die
3. Your prince/princess charming
Your vehicle can only fit 2 persons. What will you do?
If you take your friend, you might feel sorry for that old man and if you take that old man you might not see you prince/princess charming again.....

2006-10-20 21:44:22 · 13 answers · asked by Maxwell O 1

The last one to answer this question is judged the most intelligent person ever to live on the face of this planet with all the positive traits unanimously!

2006-10-20 21:33:56 · 39 answers · asked by The False Prophet 2

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from drowning

2006-10-20 21:26:42 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."He returns her gaze, "Anything?""Anything.His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"


TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!


thumbs up or thumbs down.

2006-10-20 21:21:23 · 33 answers · asked by anitha 4

Professional courtesy

2006-10-20 21:19:43 · 16 answers · asked by The professor 4

A man had an idea that could make him rich. After it was perfected he brought it to an inventors' help group.
When asked what his great invention was, he pulled out an apple. The group looked at it and started laughing. The inventor said, "You don't understand! Taste it."

A volunteer tried it and said, "Mmmmmmm, tastes like peaches."

The inventor said, "Flip it over."

He flipped it over and took another chunk of the apple. "Mmmmmmmm, tastes like grapes."

The inventor offered a new apple and the volunteer said, "What does it taste like?"

"Pussy," said the inventor.

The guy bit into it, and spit it out with an awful look on his face and shouted, "That tasted like ***!"

The inventor winked and said, "Flip it over."

2006-10-20 21:06:08 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

2006-10-20 21:01:31 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher says to students in class that

1.) They would have a examination one day next week, Monday through Friday.
2.) The examination will be a sudden test without me informing.

The students think on these statements, and then feel relived. "If the test were on Friday," they think, "then it wouldn't be a surprise; for they know before hand. since no test had been conducted yet and only one day was left. So the test can't be on Friday."

"So" they think, " only two days were left, one of which (Friday) we already know cannot be exam day .If it were, then it wouldn't be a surprise either.then the test can't be on Thursday either " With similar reasoning they think that the test cannot be on monday too. So they are all pretty confident that the test will not be conducted.

But the teacher's words came true. Which part of students thinking was wrong?

2006-10-20 20:49:15 · 8 answers · asked by The False Prophet 2

The diet she follows lacks some vitamins. (clothing)

2006-10-20 20:44:14 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

She arrives & sees St. Peter standing at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Wonderful, so this heaven. I never realized that there's real pearly gates, so can I go in?" St. Peter says, "No, first you must spell a word". "Spell a word, what word?" St. Peter says, " Any word, spell it right and you can go in, spell it wrong and you are denied entry" She says, "OK how about love, LOVE ?" St. Peter says, "That's fine you can go in but first pls. do me a favor. I have to go to the bathroom so just stay here and watch the gate". She says "OK, but what if someone comes". St Peter says, "Just like you they must spell a word". After a minute she sees someone coming and soon realizes that it's her husband and says, "What are you doing here?" He says, "I was driving home from the funeral, I was crying and the next thing I know, Bang! Look at this, Heaven. Do you remember how we spoke about spending eternity together, well can I go in? No first spell a word. What word ? She says Czechoslovakia.

2006-10-20 20:39:04 · 7 answers · asked by The professor 4

BTW,

2006-10-20 20:21:56 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous