Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

2006-10-20 20:05:00 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three ladies go to a restaurant for a meal. They receive a bill for $30. They each put $10 on the table, which the waiter collects and takes to the till. The cashier informs the waiter that the bill should only have been for $25 and returns $5 to the waiter in $1 coins. On the way back to the table the waiter realizes that he cannot divide the coins equally between the ladies. As they didn’t know the total of the revised bill, he decides to put $2 in his own pocket and give each of the ladies $1.

Now that each lady has been given a dollar back, each of the ladies has paid $9. Three times 9 is 27. The waiter has $2 in his pocket. Two plus 27 is $29. The ladies originally handed over $30. Where is the missing dollar?

2006-10-20 19:56:11 · 14 answers · asked by The False Prophet 2

If every rule has an exception, then there must be an exception to the rule that every rule has an exception. so does any rule have no exception?

2006-10-20 19:45:57 · 17 answers · asked by The False Prophet 2

2006-10-20 19:36:30 · 20 answers · asked by Tyler 2

Conversation btwn Sacred Peter and God
Peter -I would like to talk with you about the NERVE-ENDINGS ON ur new invention "WOMAN"
God - Ask
Peter - How many nerve-endings should we put in her hands?
God- How many have you put in Adam's hands?
Peter- About 200, my Lord!
God- Well, do the same for the woman.
Peter- And how many nerve-endings should we put in her genitals?
God- And how many have you set in Adam?
Peter- 420.
God- I see, do the same for the woman.
OK, My Lord, - Sacred Peter answers.
Wait, wait, - suddenly God says. - You know, put 10,000 nerve-endings for the woman. Let she cry out my name many times during the sex.

2006-10-20 19:31:51 · 6 answers · asked by Pd 6

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

2006-10-20 19:27:18 · 5 answers · asked by Pd 6

Last time, we had this following riddle:

Why did the walls get arrested?
A: Because they were holding up the ceiling!

Heheh. And here is today's riddle:

Which letter of the alphabet is most likely to sting you?

Good luck!

2006-10-20 19:25:03 · 11 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Why Do Jews Have Big Noses?
Because air is free.


Post other jokes you know that you think might be offense but aren't sure if they are.

2006-10-20 19:18:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

This vicar was getting ready to go to women's institute for delivering a speech on the subject of sex. Just as he is about to leave his wife asked him what he is going to speak about. Being a little shy he tells her the subject is OFF SHORE SAILING.
He goes on to give his speech which went down very well. A couple of days later the vicars wife is doing shopping in the local village and is surprised by how many women congratuled her on the vicars speech.
Eventually she bumps into the chairlady of the women's institute and again she is extremely complimentary on her husbands speech. The vicars wife tells the chairlady. "I have to confess I'm surprised his speech went down so well because he has only done it twice, the first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off."

2006-10-20 19:16:04 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.

Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full.

The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I just sip some coffee right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

2006-10-20 19:06:24 · 16 answers · asked by Woody 3

An old lady is having trouble with her pet dog snoring every night and keeping her awake. So she goes to a vet and learns that that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog's penis he'll roll over and stop snoring. The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog's penis. His snoring stopped. Later on that night her dog is snoring again, so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her dog's penis, and he stops snoring.
The next morning the dog wakes up, looks down at himself, and says: "I don't know what kind of freaky perverted dog-show you entered me into last night lady, but it appears I came in first and second."

2006-10-20 19:04:56 · 7 answers · asked by Pd 6

1. the most powerful force in the world is that of a Frisbee straining to get under a car

2. the better the catch the worse the rethrow (a.k.a 'good catch, bad throw')

3. one ,must never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than, 'watch this!'

4. the higher the costs of hitting any object the greater the certainty it will be struck

5. the best catches are never seen

6. the greatest single aid to distance is for the Frisbee to be going in he wrong direction (a.k.a 'goes the wrong way, goes a long way')

7. the most powerful hex words in the world of sports are: 'I really have this sussed-watch' (a.k.a 'know it, blow it')

8. in any crowd of spectators at least one will suggests that razor blades could attached to the Frisbee

9. the greater your need to make a god catch the greater the probability your partner will deliver his worst throw

10. the single most difficult move with a Frisbee is to put it down (a.k.a 'just one more throw')

2006-10-20 19:00:26 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in—“

“I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”

2006-10-20 19:00:25 · 20 answers · asked by anitha 4

A drunk man sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick. He smelled awful, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with prostitutes; and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

2006-10-20 18:59:48 · 10 answers · asked by Woody 3

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the governmental process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

2006-10-20 18:57:04 · 8 answers · asked by Love Exists? 6

X is impossible for God
X is above God
If we eat X we will die
X is important than love
X is a 7 letter word
Reply if you are a genius,
What is X????????????

2006-10-20 18:41:51 · 29 answers · asked by ROCKSTAR 2

You know - ''Knock, knock, who's there?................''

2006-10-20 18:34:43 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are going to swim a mile to a small island to go explore it.

The first one to try is the brunette who gets a 1/4 of the way there, tires out, and comes back.

Then the red head goes and she makes it a 1/3 of the way there, tires out, and comes back.

Finally the blonde goes who makes it 1/2 way, tires out, and comes back. :)

2006-10-20 18:31:48 · 16 answers · asked by ☼Divine Wind☼ 3

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XL-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. I can't believe how materialistic you high Rollin lawyers are, he said. You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else. How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer. The cop replied, did’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down?

2006-10-20 18:31:22 · 12 answers · asked by Love Exists? 6

i need crticism:
"Yo' momma is sooo fat...That when i saw her on t.v she took up the next three channels with her fat ***!"

2006-10-20 18:30:15 · 17 answers · asked by Fun-Fun-on-the-sun or not? 1

Three men fell out of a boat, they drowned but they managed to get back to the surface, on the surface, only two men got their hair wet, WHY??

2006-10-20 18:28:52 · 9 answers · asked by ? 3

A Brunnete a red head and a blonde escape from jail.
they are being chased by a guard and try to hide.
they find three potatoe sacks and hide in them.

the guard catches up and finds the sacks.
he kicks the first one with the brunnete in it and she goes "meow meow"

so the guard says, ok thats just a sack of cats.
he goes to the second sack with the red head in it and kicks it.
the red head goes "woof woof"

so the guard goes, ok thats just a sack of dogs.

so he goes to the third one with the blonde in it and he kicks it.
the blonde goes "potatoes potatoes potatoes."

2006-10-20 18:25:14 · 12 answers · asked by Kris 2

1. if it should exist, it doesn’t

2. if it does exist, its out of date

3. only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws

2006-10-20 18:24:37 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ken walked into a market with his ten-year-old son, Billy. Billy is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth.

As they walk through the market someone bumps into Billy and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. Immediately, he starts choking, going blue in the face.

Ken starts panicking and shouting for help.

A well dressed middle-aged woman is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of Billy's balls and squeezes, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds, Billy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman catches in her free hand. The woman hands the coin to Ken and walks back to the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that Billy has suffered no lasting ill-effects, Ken rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before! It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I'm a Divorce Attorney."

2006-10-20 18:23:28 · 12 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arabic student, newly arrived at theTexas oil patch from the Middle East.
To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the westerners learn that the Arabic guy is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.

2006-10-20 18:21:13 · 12 answers · asked by ♥Raven 6

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up

2006-10-20 18:21:12 · 11 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A little girl was walking along a beach in California when
she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper
covering his genitals.
The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"
The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"
The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.
Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain.
"Where the hell am I?"
A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency
help, so we rushed you right over."
"Well, what the hell happened to me?"
"We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening
to you today?"
The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me just
before I fell asleep."
The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was
still there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happened
to that nice man you saw here earlier?"

2006-10-20 18:21:02 · 6 answers · asked by Love Exists? 6

Don’ t eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it any more?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, "I too have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!

2006-10-20 18:15:34 · 9 answers · asked by ? 5

"Mr. President! Mr. President! Did you hear about the the bombing? A Brazilian was killed!!!"

Bush(Head in hands & eyebrows stuck together)

Bush:"My God!............errr How many is a Brazillion?

2006-10-20 18:14:28 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone"

2006-10-20 18:13:01 · 9 answers · asked by Love Exists? 6