Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

2006-10-27 19:28:10 · 30 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

how do you make a blonda laff on a monday tell her a joke on friday HAAAAAAAAAA LOL

2006-10-27 19:25:00 · 19 answers · asked by morgan f 1

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both of his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

2006-10-27 19:20:46 · 14 answers · asked by Pd 6

Yo momma so fat, when she went to the movies she sat next to everyone
Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book
Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too
Yo mama so fat she has her own postcode

Now you make up the rest....
The best one gets 10 points!

2006-10-27 19:15:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I could use a laugh right now.

2006-10-27 18:59:11 · 11 answers · asked by none 1

A commercial airplane left from England to the United States, halfway across the pond the plane lost two engines. The pilot made this announcement: Ladies and gentlemen we have lost two engines and the only way we can make it to America is to get rid of as much excess weight as we can so I’m taking the plane down to a safe altitude so we can open the doors and get rid of all unnecessary baggage, Well, all the passengers threw all their baggage out the door.

The Pilot then said: Thank you but I still don’t think it is enough, so I’m going to have to ask for volunteers to jump off the plane.

A British man jumped out of his seat and headed for the door, as he jumped he yelled: “God save the Queen.”

A Frenchman jumped out of his seat and headed for the door and as he jumped he yelled: “Viva La France”

A big man from Texas, not to be outdone by a Brit and a Frenchman headed down the aisle towards the door, as he reached the door he reached down and grabbed two Mexicans and as he threw them out the door he yelled: “Remember the Alamo”

Come on that’s funny, and just a joke!

2006-10-27 18:58:47 · 19 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

everybody CLose your eyes and kICK THE person closest to you!!!
sound Like a good idea?
thINK about it.

http://longway2thetop.bravehost.com

2006-10-27 18:56:47 · 8 answers · asked by blacksheep0685 1

Does anyone have any dirty jokes?

Jack and Jilll went up the hill
to have a little fun
stupid jill forgot her pill
and now they have a son

2006-10-27 18:56:32 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

My dad came up with 'That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta.' Hehe, they are quite cheesy (mwahahaha) but fun. Anyone?

2006-10-27 18:48:51 · 8 answers · asked by fatcatjack9000 2

All types accepted, humorous ones preferred.

2006-10-27 18:45:46 · 12 answers · asked by Free Ranger 4

1.What is black and white and red all over?

2.What is blue and green and black all over?

lol Have fun!!

2006-10-27 18:43:43 · 26 answers · asked by ηєvєrmorє 6

Last time, we had this following riddle:

Why was little Suzy putting on lipstick in class?
A: Because she thought it was a make-up exam!

Heheh. And here is today's riddle:

What did the plate say to the knife and fork?

Good Luck! :)

2006-10-27 18:36:52 · 6 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Disaster!

2006-10-27 18:36:00 · 10 answers · asked by barrettins 3

Did you hear about the two Polacks who were hunting deer and
other wild game in the north woods when they came upon a naked woman
sitting on a stump? One said to her, are you game? She smiled and said
she was; so, the other Polack shot her!


was that funny? i thought it was

2006-10-27 18:31:38 · 11 answers · asked by ? 5

a blonde a Burnett and a red head are in a swimming contest the ref tells them they can only use the breast stroke and its one lap around the closet island well they jump in the water at the BANG 20 mins later the red head and Burnett cross the finish line neck and neck well a good 10 hours later the blonde come in completely out of breath. the ref asks her what took her so long her reply is "because the other girls cheated!"
the ref ask "We how did they cheat? did they use a diffrent stroke?"
the blonde says now catching her breath "Yeah thats what they did!"
"which one did they use?" says the refree confused
then the blonde says
"idk but what ever it was they used there arms and you said we could only stroke with our breast!"
i love that joke its not ur every day blonde joke

2006-10-27 18:31:22 · 14 answers · asked by Skye 2

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already

I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses

I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration

I shall meet all of my deadlines at work and at home directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them

I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless if the amount of time given

I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations

if at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year. and if not next year, the year after that

I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind

I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it

2006-10-27 18:12:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

HERE YOU ARE. ) What movie is playing, wheres my gf, my computer, my dog leaks, did u see !!, who will??, satan rules, whine-whine, guess what song, OH what should l do, i'm lost. come on folks my legs falling off. ha /ha phsyc........

2006-10-27 18:02:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
No matter what your mood, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.
One usually makes a better pie.
They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
From the start, you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head.
A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

2006-10-27 17:42:34 · 14 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

2006-10-27 17:28:38 · 15 answers · asked by christian m 1

Hope you enjoy!

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....


Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides



HAVE A GREAT DAY

2006-10-27 16:40:08 · 14 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pu**y?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pu**y can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pu**y winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"

2006-10-27 16:37:48 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

???

2006-10-27 16:31:47 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and a man are involved in a severe car accident; both of their cars are totally damaged but amazingly neither of them hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you!" Woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is totally damaged but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, imdtly puts the cap back on,and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replied, "No. I think we wait for the police."

2006-10-27 16:24:06 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

attraction-the act of associating horniness with a particular person

birth control-avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, dating repulsive men or spending time around children

easy-a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man

eye contact-a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest

friend-a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing

frigid-a mans term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than ripping her jeans off

indifference-a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as 'playing hard to get’
interesting-a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do al the talking

irritating habit- what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other into after a few months together

laws of relativity-how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your own date is

love at first site-what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet

nag-a mans term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse

nymphomaniac-a mans term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does

prude-a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay a virgin until married

sober-a condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love

2006-10-27 16:23:27 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

You should try it! You won't believe the people you see in there that late :p

2006-10-27 16:15:24 · 13 answers · asked by D B 4

an old man dies, and is greeted by satan on his entrance to hell.
'You must choose your punishment which you will suffer for eternity', Satan tells him 'I will show you your 3 choices and then you must pick one'.

Satan proceeds to take the old man to the first room, where an old man is chained to the wall and is being whipped relentlessly by demons.

Next, Satan takes him to the 2nd room, where an old man is chained to the wall and is being burned unmercifully by fire

Finally, Satan takes the old man to the 3rd room, where an old man is chained to the wall and is being given oral sex by a beautiful young woman.
'I want that one!' the man exclaims excitedly 'I want the 3rd punishment'.

'Very well' replies Satan. Satan then walks forward, taps the young woman on the shoulder and says 'You're free to go now'.

2006-10-27 16:13:42 · 20 answers · asked by ylanger ylanger 3

Can anyone here explain exactly how you talk in a Donald Duck voice.

2006-10-27 16:13:40 · 11 answers · asked by First L 2

both take up too much space on the bed

both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning

both are threatened by their own kind

both like to chew wood

both mark their territory

both are bad at asking you questions

neither tells you what’s bothering them

both tend to smell riper with age

the smaller ones tend to be more nervous

neither do any dishes

neither of them notice when you get your hair cut

both like dominance games

both are suspicious of the postman

neither knows how to talk on the telephone

neither understands what you see in cats

2006-10-27 15:45:33 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

Bush said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them."

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair, with a built-in
TV and stereo headset!!"

Bush was a little perplexed by this, and said, "But you don't look
like you're handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your butt from drowning."

2006-10-27 15:33:25 · 18 answers · asked by akelaamy 5

2 whales are swimming in the ocean, Willy and Wilma

Willy notices a trawler on the waters, he recognises it as the same one that harpooned his dad for meat

Willy says to Wilma: 'I want revenge, let's go over and capsize the boat by swimming under it and then blowing water out of the blow holes on our heads'.
Wilma reluctantly agrees and the 2 go over and capsize the trawler

suddenly, Willy notices that the fishermen are swimming to shore
'We can't let them get to safety', says Willy to Wilma 'so let's eat them'.
Willy goes over and starts eating the fishermen. he turns around to see that Wilma has not followed him to help out.
'What's wrong?' asks Willy.

'I went along with the blo-job' replies Wilma 'but i absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen'.

2006-10-27 15:33:21 · 22 answers · asked by ylanger ylanger 3