Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

My old microwave didn't turn itself off when the time was up and this piece of pie I was defrosting turned to a pile of sludge on the plate. I thought it was hillarious but the guy I was dating at the time just didn't get why I was laughing my **** off...

2006-10-28 01:30:28 · 7 answers · asked by The Mad Shillelagh 6

2006-10-28 01:21:49 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hello I live in the UK and I heard a litle while back that if you use foreign plates, speeding cameras will never catch you. I thought I would try this as I went to Turkey last year on holiday and I bought a really crappy dinner set back. So I strapped 2 of these Turkish plates to my car and put my foot down past several cameras. I did this a couple of months ago and I still haven't had a fine in the post. So it does actually work but i was wondering if anyone had any other methods as I went through the car wash and with the crapy quality of the plates they just cracked and fell off
Any help please?

2006-10-28 01:18:17 · 43 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

2006-10-28 00:54:08 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-28 00:51:23 · 8 answers · asked by Jeremy M 1

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.



2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.



3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent

For an indefinite period.



4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.



5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't

Get it.



6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.



7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.



8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)



9 . Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.



10 .Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.



11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.



12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.



13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.



14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.



15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.



16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a**hole

2006-10-28 00:45:31 · 4 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Three reasons a christmas tree is better than a man.
1They can stay erect for days on end.
2 They have lovely shiny balls.
3 They look better with the lights on.


What is the one thing a man can keep up for days on end??




The toilet seat.

Why are men so good at making salads??




They are all a bunch of tossers.




Ok here is for for any guy that is feeling left out.
Why is a woman like a pack of cards???



First you need to give her a diamond to win her heart.
Then you need a club to kill her and a spade to bury her.

2006-10-28 00:44:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,"It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. " Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told
him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story." "This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late
getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked the house with
both house and car keys inside. " I had to break a window to get my keys. Then driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on people and , all the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued," Then I had to break a roll of nickels against
the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pickup the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. All of them hit the floor and broke." " Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.....and believe me, mister, as god is my witness, all I did was tell her."

2006-10-28 00:37:54 · 6 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

has cream, custard, and sponge, slopped in his ear. He says, excuse me mate, what`s that stuff in your ear? The guy replies, sorry mate, you`ll have to speak up, i`m a trifle deaf.

2006-10-28 00:35:04 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-28 00:28:41 · 11 answers · asked by micky 1

http://draculasriddle.co.uk/jova/shadow.htm

check this 0ne!

i can't figure 0ut the answer!

s0me help.. please!

2006-10-28 00:21:55 · 5 answers · asked by roseann 2

a man enters into a bakery...
baker:y do u look so sad?
man: leave me alone im pissed
baker:tell me wats wrong and u will feel better
man: i killed like 50 pupils
baker: omg!! how?
man: i was driving my truck wen i reached a road split..on the right were 2 men drinking tea and on the left there was a wedding and i was going too fast to stop i had to go on one side
baker: oh no dont tell me you went into the wedding,you should have went right and killed the 2 men instead of killing 50

man:i know,i thought of that so i went right to kill the 2 men instead of 50...but they ran away to the wedding and i followed them

2006-10-28 00:08:56 · 8 answers · asked by GIRL HUNTER 2

a man enters into a bakery...
baker:y do u look so sad?
man: leave me alone im pissed
baker:tell me wats wrong and u will feel better
man: i killed like 50 pupils
baker: omg!! how?
man: i was driving my truck wen i reached a road split..on the right were 2 men drinking tea and on the left there was a wedding and i was going too fast to stop i had to go on one side
baker: oh no dont tell me you went into the wedding,you should have went right and killed the 2 men instead of killing 40

man:i know,i thought of that so i went right to kill the 2 men instead of 40...but they ran away to the wedding and i followed them

2006-10-28 00:07:27 · 8 answers · asked by GIRL HUNTER 2

this is to check ur mental ability and ur iq level (13f of s means 13 flock of sheep) 12 S of Z means what

2006-10-28 00:07:24 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The owner never sees me, the buyer never uses me, and the maker never wants me. What am i?

2006-10-28 00:00:43 · 8 answers · asked by hobbeschimp 1

A traveler, on his way to a certain village A, reaches a road junction, where he can turn left or right. He knows that only one of the two roads leads to village A, but unfortunately, he does not know which one. Fortunately, he sees two twin-brothers standing at the road junction, and he decides to ask them for directions. The traveler knows that one of the two brothers always tells the truth and the other one always lies. Unfortunately, he does not know which one always tells the truth and which one always lies. How can the traveler find out the way to village

2006-10-27 23:52:11 · 10 answers · asked by blah blah blah 3

There is an ancient invention still used in some parts of the world today that allows people to see through walls. What is it?

2006-10-27 23:43:36 · 14 answers · asked by blah blah blah 3

There was a farmer that was waiting by the door with
his three daughters for their dates to pick them up.

The first guy got there and said "Hi. My name's JOE, I'm here to pick up Flo, and take her to the SHOW." So the farmer excused them and let them go.
The second guy showed up a few minutes later. The farmer answered the door and the guy said "Hi. My name's Freddie, I'm here to pick up BEETY and take her out for SPAGHETTI." The farmer excused them and let them go.
The third, and final, guy showed up and the farmer answered the door. He said "Hi. My name's CHUCK." And the farmer took out his gun and shot him!!!

2006-10-27 23:37:27 · 13 answers · asked by Pd 6

who knows

2006-10-27 23:31:33 · 25 answers · asked by blah blah blah 3

what is the answer

2006-10-27 23:18:02 · 25 answers · asked by blah blah blah 3

A: "Catch you later!"

2006-10-27 23:13:29 · 21 answers · asked by AARONLEE AND SASHA 3

... we have a case of syphillis in the convent! Maria says, "Thank God, I'm sick of drinking chardonnay"

2006-10-27 22:44:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Be creative!

2006-10-27 22:41:50 · 23 answers · asked by *Glamour* 2

A man is found dead in an empty room that was locked from the inside. He hung himself with a rope that was hung in the center of the room but there is no chair in the room or anything else that could have lifted him up. The room also has no windows. The only evidence is that the floor is wet. How did he hang himself?

2006-10-27 22:21:24 · 17 answers · asked by wise_one 3

2006-10-27 21:57:38 · 5 answers · asked by ? 5

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small
island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts"
Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his
examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them
anything."
Q: Why do people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get
older.
A: They're cramming for their finals.
1st thief, "Police! Quick! jump out of the window!"
2nd thief, "But this is the 13th floor"
1st: "Hurry! This is no time to be superstitious"
A drunk got into a taxi and told the driver, "Take me to The
Piccadely Hotel."
The taxi driver turned round and said, "But we are at The
Piccadely Hotel, we're parked right outside it." 'That's fine then,
but next time, don't drive so damn fast!"

2006-10-27 21:53:19 · 13 answers · asked by asdf 1

2006-10-27 21:17:08 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

you have 10 bags, each with 10 coins inside them and you also have a standard set of kitchen scales. one bag contains counterfeit coins, which weigh 2 grams each, and the others all contain real coins, which weigh 1 gram each. by using only one reading on the scale, can u figure out what bag contains the counterfeit coins?

2006-10-27 20:14:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

which would be funner and why?

2006-10-27 20:02:38 · 16 answers · asked by James 1

do tell

2006-10-27 19:57:11 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous