Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

man: I know how to please a woman
woman: then please leave me alone

man: I want to give myself to you
woman: sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts

man: your hair color is fabulous
woman: thank you. its on aisle three at the supermarket down the street

man: you look like a dream
woman: go back to sleep

man: I can tell that you want me
woman: yes, I want you to leave
man: I’d go through anything for you
woman: lets start with your bank account

man: may I have the last dance
woman: you’ve just had it

man: your place or mine
woman: both. you go to your place, and I’ll go to mine

man: is this seat empty
woman: yes, and this one will be too if you sit down

man: haven’t I seen you somewhere before?
woman: yeah that’s why I don’t go there any more

2006-10-27 15:30:01 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of water, the bartender reaches under the counter and pulls out a gun, pointing it at the man. The man says Thank you, and walks out. Explain.

2006-10-27 15:20:20 · 24 answers · asked by black_star_47001 3

I work for a taxi driver in Brisbane Australia. Ya know i like to have a conversation with my passengers. Well this dude jumped into my cab and he said to me "Look i'm running very late for a meeting with the chairman of Suncorp. I will give you a extra $10 if you can get me there in 10 minutes". The type of guy i am well ya know i like to brighten peopkes lives up and as a joke as i do with most of my passengers i replied "Mate you mak it $20 and ill get you there in 30 mins" his reply!!!! "You got your self a deal" LMAO wtf anyhowz. So if your ever in a taxi around the Brisbane district be aware my name is Mr Theofukinopolis. Bye bYE

2006-10-27 15:02:49 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

FUNNIEST ANSWER WINS!

2006-10-27 14:58:29 · 16 answers · asked by need 2 get a grip 3

Now don't get angry...I think if your faith works for you then that's wonderful...but I like to have a sense of humor about it...and here's a real gem that I found today...

The bishop one Sunday, in the lurch
After eating a pound of spoiled perch
Emitted a blast
In the middle of mass
That extinguished all the candles in church

2006-10-27 14:45:37 · 17 answers · asked by synchronicity915 6

i dont know the answer

2006-10-27 14:21:07 · 25 answers · asked by Tori b 1

its a riddle...help me out

2006-10-27 14:15:03 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

2006-10-27 14:08:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

i like cofee i like tea i like a black boy he like me, so stop that white boy you don't shine i'll get a black boy to woop yo behine. (i aint races i just thought it was funny)

2006-10-27 14:07:35 · 13 answers · asked by -The Best ;) 2

JOKE TIME AGAIN

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they
had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure
out what was wrong.

As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the
sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the
altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since the man was a
fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd be funny to try and
mess with the lady's mind.

In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus.
Your prayers will be answered."

The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying
her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and
tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers
will be answered!"

Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath
of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS
CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"

The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO YOUR
MOTHER!"




Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were
approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the
pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until
they stopped at a fast-food restaurant for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are . very slowly?"

The manager leaned over the counter and said:
"Burrrrrrr-gerrrrrr Kiiiiiing."





A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The
girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play
house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no
idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the
husband then."






Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible. "

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went
wrong, they said I was responsible. "






A blonde goes into aDunkin Donuts and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch."

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize."

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...

"W I N A B A G E L"





A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for
me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened
it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.





"Arizona Vacation"


On doctor's orders, Johnny had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.
Johnny's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.

"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here." The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.

"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."






"Airline Ticket"


As an airline reservation agent, I took a call from a
man who wanted to book a flight for two but wasn't
happy with the price of $59 per ticket.

"I want the $49 fare I saw advertised," he insisted,
saying he would accept a flight at any time. I managed
to find two seats on a 6 a.m. flight. "I'll take it,"
he said, then worried his wife might not like the
early hour.

I warned there was a fee of $25 per person if he
changed the reservation.

"Oh, that's no problem," he said dismissively. "What's
fifty bucks?"







"Twelve of the Most Terrifying Things to Hear"


1. The dentist says: "This won't hurt a bit."
2. The IRS announces: "We are simplifying the tax
forms."
3. Your lawyer says: "This is an air-tight case-- you
can't lose."
4. Your stock broker says: "This little drop in the
market is just a minor correction."
5. Your physician says: "You're in great shape--
you'll live to be 100!"
6. Your business partner says: "Nothing can possibly
go wrong."
7. Your best friend says: "Trust me--
I'll never tell a soul."
8. The directions on a do-it-yourself kit say:
"Even a child can do it."
9. Your colleagues say: "We're behind you 100%--
we'll back you up."
10. Someone giving you directions says:
"You can't miss it."
11. The airline pilot announces: "Just a bit of
turbulence folks-- nothing to worry about."
12. A voice on the telephone says: "Congratulations!
You're an instant winner!"






"Fishing on Sunday"


A village pastor, known for his weakness for trout, preached
against fishing on Sunday.

The next day, one of his members presented him with a fine
string of fish and said, hesitatingly, "I guess I ought to tell
you, parson, that those trout were caught on Sunday."

The minister hesitated, gazed appreciatively at the speckled
trout, and then said piously as he reached for his gift, "The
fish aren't to blame for that."






"Cross-eyed Bear"


A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday.
He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something
happened in Sunday School class that he would like to talk about.

He told his mother, "Well, we were singing songs and the teacher
made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I
can't stop thinking about him. She said he was cross-eyed and I feel
bad for him.

The mother couldn't understand why the teacher would teach such
a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her. To the woman's
amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning.

Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother,
"I know what Jeffrey's talking about! We learned the hymn 'Gladly The Cross I'd Bear!'"






"Benefits of Tithing"


Two men off for a sailing trip around the world are shipwrecked. The
minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and
yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No
water! We're going to die!"

The second man comfortably propped himself up against a palm tree and
acted so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?! ?
We're going to die!!"

The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."

The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What
difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no
water! We're going to DIE!!!"

The second man answered with a confident smile, "No, you just don't get
it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a
week. Our church is getting ready to start a building program. My
pastor and the finance committee will find me"

2006-10-27 13:58:44 · 8 answers · asked by Skyler 2

Funniest answer gets ten points.

2006-10-27 13:58:23 · 6 answers · asked by dogpye5 3

First off yes I have posted this before, but it is so funny it needs to be shared, so all you people that are going to complain go away, this is for the people that haven't heard it before!!!!!
THE COWBOY AND THE LESBIAN.

An old cowboy sat down at the Star bucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring
calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding
my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of
women."

The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?!”
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a
lesbian."

2006-10-27 13:43:51 · 28 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Okay heres the scoop, I posted two riddles from the same website, because I thought they were both really cute and funny.

On one of the questions I wrote a little side comment of where I got the riddle from because I felt bad "stealing" someone elses riddle, and yahoo deleted it and told me I broke some rule. The second time I did it from the same site but didn't give any credit and I didn't get deleted. Both would be rated G because there is no foul language and both were the riddles of the day from a site that Yahoo! provides on My Yahoo!

Does anyone know what I got reported for one and not the other? What rule of conduct did I disobey? Has this ever happened to you?

2006-10-27 13:42:53 · 6 answers · asked by Lilel 4

I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus." i honked. The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and yelled "Can't you see the light is still red, you moron?" What do i do with him?

2006-10-27 13:40:49 · 22 answers · asked by ωнєη уσυ ѕмιℓє уσυ мαкє мє ѕмιℓє 7

answer...their hubbies have "Holloweenies"...ha!

2006-10-27 13:37:53 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old ships captain and his first mate were standing on the deck of a ship when in the distance they spotted a pirate ship. The captain shouts to his first mate, "Get me my Red Shirt", which he puts on and he and his crew defeat the pirates.
Some days later the two are on deck when they see 3 pirate ships approaching and the captain yells "Get me my Red Shirt", which he puts on and he and his crew again defeat the pirates.
The first mate asks curiously, "Captain, why do you always ask for a Red Shirt", and the captain explains that as the leader of the crew he must always appear strong, so the Red Shirt would hide any blood in the case the he were to get injured in battle and the men would not fear becuase their leader had been wounded. The first mate shook his head in agreement content with the answer.
The next day the captain and first mate are on deck when they see 10 pirate ships moving in on them and the captain leans over to the first mate and says "Get me my Brown Pants".

2006-10-27 13:37:46 · 18 answers · asked by CoolDad03 2

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about p*u*s*s*y, and their b*i*t*c*h. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a p*u*s*s*y?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a p*u*s*s*y." the son then asks "What's a b*i*tc*h?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a b*i*t*c*h."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a p*u*s*s*y?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the v*a*g*i*n*a and says "Son, this is a p*u*s*s*y!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a b*i*t*c*h?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circl

2006-10-27 13:29:28 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

bob and fred both baseball A LOT.one day,bob asked fred:"do you think they play baseball in heaven?" fred said:"i dont know,but whoever goes to heaven first has to tell the person who is still on earth." fred went to heaven first.from heaven,he yelled to bob:"i have good news,and bad news.the good news is,yes,they do play baseball in heaven.the bad news is,your scedualed to pitch tommorrow." rate this joke 1-10.

2006-10-27 13:24:59 · 36 answers · asked by . 2

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely s*h*i*t my pants."

2006-10-27 13:22:01 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor.

"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife now has it too."

"Son of a bit@#!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

2006-10-27 13:19:13 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Greg was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.



Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.



In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.



A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging! his arms violently trying to get
the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled
pile at his feet.



As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched
the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"



The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the **** out of
a ghost"

2006-10-27 13:09:56 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

__________________________ Is the last true form of rebellion.

2006-10-27 13:08:34 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I laughed my but off when I recieved this today, had to share. What do you all think?

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is
Hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day
Promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
Backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

2006-10-27 13:06:26 · 23 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

2006-10-27 13:06:08 · 12 answers · asked by Weston B 1

tommydee just left my flat and he was steaming,he can drink nun and smoke nun,wots up with him

2006-10-27 12:56:18 · 12 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants, one of which would get the job.

The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.

Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!"

Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.

"He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then to hire him.

He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.

Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself, that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."

Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?"

"Oh," replied Jim, "Yale."

"That's very good ... excellent. You're hired! Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"

Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson."

2006-10-27 12:31:04 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

people say blonds are stupit.anyway,there were three girls stuck on an island.one was a redhead,one had brown hair,and one was a blond.the redhead found a lamp.she rubbed it and a gene came out."I'll grant you three wishes"said the gene.okay the girls said.


the redhead said she wish she could go home,the brown hair wished the same.the blond haired girl started crying."why are you crying"said the gene(remember they are stuck on an island)I'm lonely she said.I wish they all were poofed back.

2006-10-27 12:24:25 · 24 answers · asked by betty boop 3

if someone can give me a good joke I'll choose them as the best answer by 5(five)points

2006-10-27 12:08:29 · 21 answers · asked by betty boop 3

he asks the conducter, is it okay to bring a crate of beer up? the conducter says, sure, the guy says, thanks mate, speeeeewwww!!

2006-10-27 12:04:25 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-27 11:54:03 · 16 answers · asked by for a pound 1