Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis were talking about there awful lives.

Cucumber says "my life sucks. When I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and toss me in a salad"

Pickle says "When I get big , fat and juicy they cover me in vinegar and throw me in a jar"

Penis says
"You think that's bad, when I get big, fat and juicy they pull a tent over
my head, stick me in a dark room and bang my head against a wall till I
throw up and pass out.
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the
measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma
says there's a bug going round and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

(continued below)

2006-10-27 08:47:15 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Japanese Fart

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart.

She looked up and said:
"Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud.

2006-10-27 08:42:46 · 8 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

gross but worth thinking about, oh yeah?

2006-10-27 08:40:47 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-27 08:39:56 · 12 answers · asked by leothescouser 1

2006-10-27 08:38:22 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

they devise a plan to distract the firing squad at the last minute. The englishman goes up, and just as they take aim, he screams, earthquake!!! The firing squad are distracted, and he legs it! The scotsman goes up, and just as they take aim, he points, and screams, hurricane!!!!! The firing squad are distracted, and he legs it. The irishman goes up, and just as they take aim, he screams, Fire!!!!

2006-10-27 08:33:33 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you tell me your favourite punch line without the joke itself!
The most recognisable punch line will be selected
let me start

Dopey fu*ked a penguin

2006-10-27 08:30:18 · 9 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

2006-10-27 08:29:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What gets longer when used..............


And shorter when not in use............


Fits between a woman's breast................


and slots neatly in a hole.............................


scroll down for the answer.........














































ANSWER: A SEATBELT - BUT I LOVE YOUR WAY OF THINKING

2006-10-27 08:21:42 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-27 08:16:12 · 21 answers · asked by Dharma Dork 1

as in right now.

2006-10-27 08:13:24 · 10 answers · asked by iHEARTjuicy 1

dont think to logically as it wont halp you.

2006-10-27 08:08:09 · 28 answers · asked by Dr Whom 1

St. Paul meets them at the pearly gates, and asks guy no. 1, did you ever drink, smoke, or abuse women? he says, i never drank, i never smoked, and i never abused a woman. St. Paul says, okay, you are awarded a Rolls Royce, to cruise the highwyas of heaven. He asks guy no. 2 the same question, he says, i drank, i never smoked, and i never abused a woman. St. Paul says, okay, you are awarded a cadillac, to cruise the highways of heaven. St Paul asks guy no. 3 the same question, he says, i drank, i smoked, but i never abused a woman. St. Paul says, okay, you are awarded a mini, to cruise the highways of heaven. A short time later, St Paul, is doing his rounds, and sees the guy with the mini, stood against it, creased with laughter. He asks, what has tickled you so much? you have a measley mini to cruise the highways of heaven. The guy replies, i`ve just seen the vicar on a bike!

2006-10-27 08:07:28 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

any idea

2006-10-27 08:06:41 · 13 answers · asked by ansa 2

I need some drummer/music jokes to wind up a friend of mine who plays drums..
Anything appreciated!

2006-10-27 07:59:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-27 07:54:41 · 3 answers · asked by good bhoy 2

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See he mated 50 times last year .that's once-a-week."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

2006-10-27 07:49:48 · 9 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

can anyone give me sum gd jokes... dont mind wot just make em funny =]

2006-10-27 07:38:03 · 3 answers · asked by THE1 1

what about bald jokes i'd love to annoy my boyfriend ?

2006-10-27 07:35:44 · 9 answers · asked by blon_dee1 2

any blonde jokes I am blonde and used to have a poster full of them so I won't de offended ?

2006-10-27 07:27:46 · 11 answers · asked by blon_dee1 2

Unfortunately, this is not an original question (dash!) but
that is no excuse for an original answer. Go...

2006-10-27 07:23:12 · 11 answers · asked by Ego Fatigo 5

an irish guy is on deaths row, the guard comes to him and says, you have 3 choices. You can be hanged, you can have the firing squad, or you can be injected with the aids virus. The irish fella says, i`ll take the injection. The guard says, you sure? irish guy says, yes, i`m sure. He is given 1 hour to think about his decision. The guard comes back, and administers the injection. An hour later, the guard is checking the inmates, and the irish guy is laughing his socks off in his cell, the guard says, what are you laughing at, you are gonna suffer a long, slow, agonising death. The irish guy says, aye, but i fooled ya, see, i was wearing a condom!

2006-10-27 07:19:52 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

In another strangely suggestive scenario: Her pet Beaver died recently, and as I am an apprentice taxidermist, she has asked me to be the first to try stuffing her beaver. She has heard from her friends, who all mysteriously donated their dead pets to the college, that I am very good and considerate. Fiona, her classmate, was particularly impressed with the work I did on her camels toe. Jody was overwhelmed with the expression I got on her smiling tiger, Sara loved the stuffing I gave her monkeys mouth, and Emma was ecstatic when I showed her what could be done with her badger. Erin was overjoyed when I showed her how to keep her bearded clam so it was acceptable to keep on public view. Their teacher wanted me to try some work with his moose knuckle, but I turned that down.
Should I wait for my full license or go for it with the 18 year olds beaver?

2006-10-27 07:19:29 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Viagra is now available in powder form to put in your tea.
It does nothing for your sex life,but it stops your biscuits from going soft.

2006-10-27 07:11:16 · 21 answers · asked by HOOPS 7

Another Thing

2006-10-27 07:09:23 · 3 answers · asked by bethbeth09 1

Q: What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road, and a dead skunk in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What is the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm "sooo" drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: What's a blonde behind the wheel?
A: Airbag.
Q: What's 2 blondes in a car?
A: Dual Airbags.

Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

2006-10-27 06:57:13 · 14 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungee cord.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who almost caused a car wreck?
A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend said he loved her?
A: She believed him.

Q: Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
A: It's called MAIDS - if they don't get one, they die.

2006-10-27 06:51:59 · 20 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

2006-10-27 06:51:29 · 20 answers · asked by Dusty 1

I'll tell you the answer here in a bit...

2006-10-27 06:50:48 · 21 answers · asked by *Bella Reveuse* 3

the police are called to a offlicence .when they get there .there are people outside telling the police there is a man in there having oral sex with a woman.the police go in there after a couple of minuites they come back out they tell the people outside they cant do anythingto the manager.so the people ask why. the police tell them he has liquer licence?

2006-10-27 06:47:44 · 16 answers · asked by darren v 2