JOKES - pretty please!?

Question

can anyone give me sum gd jokes... dont mind wot just make em funny =]

Answer 1

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing
an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is
curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him
to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


1. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was
asalted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender
says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender
says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
under his arm and says: "A beer please, and
one for the road."

6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in
love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much,
but the reception was excellent.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to
the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green
Grass of Home"."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a
field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially
inseminated ! this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either...

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you
sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this
bull before.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and
says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything
you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm
going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

14. Apparently, one in five people in the world
are Chinese. And there are five people in my family,
so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or mydad, or maybe my
older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty
sure it's Colin.

15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the
other day but I couldn't find any.

16. I went to the butcher's the other day and I
bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off
the top shelf. He said, "No bet, the steaks are too
high."

17. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't
feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off
your arms!"

18. I went to a seafood disco last week...
I ended up pulling a mussel.

19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly;
but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,
proving that you can't have your kayak and heat
it too.

21. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A FSH.

22. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is
the bar tender here?" ∟

Answer 2

On vacation, a man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, a train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. But just a few minutes later a train again shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager who says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. He takes one look at the manager lying in bed with his wife and yells, "Hey! What are you doing in here!?" The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

Answer 3

The manager of a company has a problem in that the company is loosing money. In the end he has to decide whether he should sack Jill who is excellent at her job and he's always fancied her or Jack who is an ace in sales. He just can't make up his mind and in the end he feels compelled to speak to Jill about this to help him make up his mind.

"Jill I am going to have to lay you or Jack off, what do you think I should do?" Jill replies: "Jack off would you? I've got a head ache!"