Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A man lives on the 20th floor of an apartment building. If it is a rainy day, he gets into the elevator in the morning, goes down to the ground floor and goes to work. When he comes home in the afternoon, he gets in the elevator and goes straight to the 20th floor. However, if it is a sunny day he goes down to the ground floor in the morning, on the elevator, but when he comes home, he uses the elevator to get to the 10th floor, then climbs ten flights of stairs. Why does he do this?

2006-10-27 11:50:54 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy walkes thorugh the park with his mum on night and they see 2 people on the park bench having sex, the little boy says to his mum 'mum what are those 2 people doing?' the mum replies 'they are making fairy cakes' 'oh ok replies the little boy'. That night the little boy was in bed and he heard noises so he went down stairs and saw his mum and dad having sex on the couch.. The little boy went back to bed, the next morning when he woke, they all sat around the breakfast table and the little boy said to his mum 'mum where you and daddy making fairy cakes last night?' the mum replies 'yes son why?' the little boy replies because i licked the icing up off the couch!

I thought it was quite funny when my boyfriend told me lol.

2006-10-27 11:50:40 · 54 answers · asked by Lauren 3

if they think they can fly why do they not take off from the ground

2006-10-27 11:45:44 · 30 answers · asked by for a pound 1

okay- a blind women is on an elevator. She suddenly sits down , stands back up agian, and laughs!what happened!

Clue- there is another man on the elavator and he has an animal with him.

2006-10-27 11:37:46 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

i didle i do eat brown bread i saw a sausage fall down dead

2006-10-27 11:35:15 · 21 answers · asked by for a pound 1

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of
lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

2006-10-27 11:30:33 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm f****ing STARVING!"

2006-10-27 11:27:06 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

This one might be easy but....

What starts with 0 legs,

Goes to 2,

Then goes to 3-4

Then goes back down to 0

2006-10-27 11:25:36 · 9 answers · asked by Orion M 3

she says, to all 100 of them, a condom was found on the premises this morning!!!! 99 go oohh!!! 1 at the back goes, he he,
mother superior says, the condom was used!!! 99 go, ooh!!! 1 at the back goes, he he he, mother superior says, and it was split!!! 99 go, he he he, 1 at the back goes, oohh!!

2006-10-27 11:25:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

be dressed and ready to go before you are?

get off the phone in a microsecond if he answers when your mother calls?

pretend he likes stars like Angelina Jolie and Cameron Diaz because of their acting ability?

drive 20 miles over the speed limit?

act as if his razor is priceless and should never be touched?

toss change, keys and credit cards on the dresser, no matter how many charming containers you provide?

hand you the 'lifestyle section' when you ask for part of the paper?

make elaborate snacks the minutes you’ve finished cleaning the kitchen?

be such a charmer with your best friend after you’ve privately told her what a beast he’s been all week?

drink milk from the carton with great gusto?

not understand the 'toilet seat thing'?

assume you will take care of gifts, cards and flowers for his family?

want you to make a fuss when he does some little household chore unasked?

say 'I’m listing to you' when he’s not?

get lost rather than ask for directions?

wait until you are dressed and made up to suggest a quickie?

Wash all the dishes in the sink, but leave the big, dirty pots and pans for you?

Be convinced, no matter what you tell him, bigger is better?

Stand at the refrigerator, shouting, ‘honey, where’s the mustard?’, when its right in front of him?

Spend hours measuring and making minute pencil marks on the wall when you ask him to hang up a few framed photos, then plop on the couch for the rest of the weekend with the weariness of a man who’s just single handedly built the railroad?

Take charge of everybody’s automatic window buttons in the car?

Say ‘I’m starving’ the minute you walk in the door?

Revert to the age of two during minor illnesses

Hit the shower immediately after sex

Be sent to the store with a detailed shopping list and return with fur six pack and economy size of corn chips?

Constantly ask, ‘where’d I put my keys?’ as though you watch his every move?

Complain there’s nothing on TV, but continue watching (and channel surfing) for the rest of the evening?

Observe that you have a closet full of stuff you never wear just as you’re leaving to go clothes shopping?

Leave his shoes in the living room?

Eat the last piece of leftover chicken and stick the empty plate back in the fridge?

Adjust his private parts in front of you, as if you’re not looking

Accuse you of having PMS

Hold an umbrella over you so that the rain invariably drips down your neck

Tell you to ‘shhh’ until the next commercial- even f what you have to say is important?

2006-10-27 11:21:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Question: Where is an elephant's sex organ?
Answer: In his feet. If he steps on you, consider yourself fu**ed.

2006-10-27 11:16:31 · 11 answers · asked by rdx 2

I have no voice yet i speak to you
I tell of all things in the world that people do
I have leaves, but i am not a tree
I have a spine and hinges
but i am not a man or a door
I have told you all
I cannot tell you more
What Am I??

2006-10-27 11:15:20 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.

Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.

The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"

The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"

2006-10-27 11:14:31 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks
the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence,
he starts to slowly clap his hands.
He says into the microphone...
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence...
"Well, stop ******* clapping then."

2006-10-27 11:08:16 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

This an old Zen Buddist riddle and the only riddle i know of any value, and i do know the answer.

2006-10-27 11:03:53 · 13 answers · asked by Stephen F 2

Ive done tons... I think my favorite is i threw a pack of condoms under one of those wheel carts and he high ended over it and his wheels squeeked and he couldnt move... and he raises his hand and says i dont know what to do im burning rubber he was like 90 hahaha

2006-10-27 10:51:59 · 12 answers · asked by dylan h 2

One morning Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having brunch at a restaurant in Crawford.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies, "I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, sir?" she asks George W.
He replies,"How about a quickie?"
"Why, Mr. President," the waitress says, "How rude! You're a pig and I am disgusted!"
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced quiche!"

2006-10-27 10:45:14 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

..."Lord, I have a
problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and
all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just
not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous
ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll
give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you.
He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting
and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad
in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the
catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

2006-10-27 10:35:24 · 34 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

2006-10-27 10:34:41 · 4 answers · asked by STORMY K 3

Once again I cast my net into the vast sea of ignorance. What strange creatures will be dragged into the light this time?

"The human being that dwells far from the loaf has no company"

What well know phrase can explain the above quote and WHY.

Intelligible rambling permitted - but I repeat my warning that the two point parasite brigade WILL incur my wrath for all time.

2006-10-27 10:34:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-27 10:32:19 · 2 answers · asked by STORMY K 3

2006-10-27 10:32:10 · 8 answers · asked by fleetofworlds 2

Two old ladies outside a nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. Mary pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
The other lady - Jean, said, "What's that?"
Mary: "A condom, This way my cigarette doesn't get wet".
Jean: "Where did you get it?"
Mary: "You can get them at any drugstore".
The next day Jean hobbled herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age) but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Jean: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel".......
The pharmacist fainted. :)

2006-10-27 10:31:44 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young widow goes to the doctors for an internal check up:

Doctor : Young lady you have been married three times but you are still a virgin, how can this be?

Woman: Well my first husband was an astronomer, and he just used to enjoy staring into it.
My second husband was a physcoloogist, and he only wanted to analyse it.
My third husband was a stamp collector........ god I miss him.

2006-10-27 10:30:13 · 17 answers · asked by holmegirl 3

women love to shop. it is the one area of the world where they feel they’re totally in control

women especially love a bargain. the question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don’t bother pointing it out. anything on sale is fair game

women never have anything to wear. don’t question the racks of clothes in the wardrobe. you 'just don’t understand

women need to cry. and they wont do it alone unless they know you can hear them

woman will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty

women love to talk. silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say

women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. that’s why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey type shows are so successful

women don’t need sex as often as men do. this is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. just knowing that the man wants to hace sex fulfills the emotional need

women hate bugs. Even female martial arts experts need a man around when there’s a spider or wasp involved

women cant keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don’t view their gabbing as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people

women always go to public toilets in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip

women cant refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she’s doing

women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn’t need toys if women had an ‘on/off’ switch

women think all beer is the same

women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower, as well as at least 10 sundry items

after a women showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rainforest

women don’t understand the appeal of contact sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be

if a man goes on a seven day trip, he’ll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven day trip. She’ll pack 21 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like wearing each day

women brush their hair before bed

watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you’ll have a pretty good idea about how she’ll be in bed

women have better rest rooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet

the average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. a man would not be able to identify most of these items

women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats

women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours

a woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail

women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut

women do not want an honest answer to the question, ‘how do I look?’

PMS stands for: Permissible Man Slaughter. (or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse)

The first naked man women see is ‘ken’

Women are insecure about their weight, butt and breast size

Women will male three left hand turns to avoid making one right hand turn

‘oh, nothing,’ has an entirely different meaning in woman language than it does in man language

women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading

all women are overweight by definition, don’t argue with them about it

all women are overweight by definition, don’t agree with them about it

if it is not Valentines Day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, ‘what did you do?

Only women understand the reason for ‘guest towels and ‘good china’

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested

2006-10-27 10:28:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A) Drowning in 5 inches of water
B) Getting puched by a kangaroo
C) Waking up hanging upside down from a tree w/ nothing but your underwear on?
D) Gettin smacked by a martian?
or
E) Losing Tug-a-war to a Three-legged dog?

2006-10-27 10:26:00 · 9 answers · asked by Paris, je t'aime 5

2006-10-27 10:25:54 · 13 answers · asked by STORMY K 3

One sunny afternoonSuperman was out flying around.Crime was slow that day,so he decided2go over2Spiderman's house. Supe:"Hey Spidey,let's go get a burger&a beer!" Spidey:"No can do,Supe,I've got a problem with my web-shooter.Can't fight crime 2moro without it".So Superman heads over2the BatCave2see what's up.Supe:"Hi Batman!Let's go out for a burger&a beer!! Batman:"Not today my friend.My Batmobile is down&it must be fixed2day.Can't fight crime2moro without it".Disgruntled, Superman takes2the air,cruising around the skies when he flies over a penthouse apartment&what does he see,but none other than WonderWoman,lying on the deck,spread-eagle,stark-naked! Supe gets a brilliant idea."They've always said I'm faster than a bullet&I've always wondered what she'd b like with all her powers".So he zzooomms down&does her in a flash&is gone before anyone can notice.All of a sudden W.Woman sits up&says,"What was that?!?Then the invisible man gets off her&says"I don't know but it hurt like hell!!!

2006-10-27 10:21:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A tribal warrior was walking thru the jungle with his wife, when he got the urge to give her a portion, he said to her “ I wanna take you now”.

“not here” she replied, “the grass is to long, I may be bitten by a snake or something, find a clearing and you can have as much as you like”.

He leads her thru the jungle and comes to a clearing, it’s about a 100 metres wide, but runs for miles in each direction. In the middle is a train track.

He takes her over to the track, bends her over (doggy style) and starts giving her a good rumpin.

In the distance he hears a train whistle “PEEP PEEP”, so he starts pumping a bit faster.

He looks round and see’s the train approaching down the tracks, so he pumps even faster.

The driver is looking out of the window and see’s an obstruction on the line, and blows his whistle again “peep peep”, but it doesn’t move, so he applies the breaks, and stops the train.

(more to follow, scroll down)

2006-10-27 10:21:26 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A: The beet!

2006-10-27 10:18:56 · 8 answers · asked by AARONLEE AND SASHA 3