Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A: None--there is no dirt in a hole!

2006-10-27 10:16:15 · 18 answers · asked by AARONLEE AND SASHA 3

"That my son could be called a donger or a dinger or a knob or a cory or dick or a pr#ck but it's real name is a penis, "
"But dad when I asked mum, she said it was nothing"
"well son, you mother's been spoilt"

2006-10-27 10:11:50 · 20 answers · asked by jabelite 3

A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ***.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt". She then tells the man she wants Beautiful butt tattooed on her ***. The man tells her "I can't fit that on your ***, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt. She agrees and gets it done.

On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE F** K IS BOB?"!

2006-10-27 10:08:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!". The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!".

2006-10-27 10:07:05 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-27 10:07:00 · 25 answers · asked by scotty2ball 1

What does a pig say when he found a piece of gold in his pig pen?
Im fithly sinken rich!

2006-10-27 09:53:11 · 10 answers · asked by Briea B 1

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe her self with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That’s nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ’From all of us at the Fire Station, We’ll never forget you!’

2006-10-27 09:51:29 · 13 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having sex in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn't move. He finally brought the truck' to a halt inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed: "What the hell's the matter with you two?.Didn't you hear me? You could have been killed!" The man replied nonchalantly: "Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

2006-10-27 09:38:51 · 10 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

he was born with one eye, and so was very shy. They cannot afford a glass eye, so they buy him a wood eye for his 18th. he is delighted, it looks real, so they send him out to the disco, with his new found confidence. He is too shy to ask any of the gorgeous girls to dance, but he spots a girl, sitting on her own, with a hunch on her back. He reckons, she is also disabled, and would be a perfect first date, she would understand his shyness. He plucks up the courage to approach her. He says, hello, she smiles shyly, and says hello back to him. He says, would you like to dance? She says, oh, would i would iiii???, he snorts, hunchback! hunchback!

2006-10-27 09:36:11 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's an old married couple. The wife suggests they have pizza for dinner and asks her husband to pick one up.
"Let me write down exactly what we want or you'll forget." she says to him.
"No, I won't forget." he assures her.
"No, you always forget details. Now remember, we want the hand tossed... You're not writing it down!"
"Got it. Hand tossed."
"Pepperoni on one side and... write this down!"
"I've got it. Hand-tossed, half-pepperoni."
"The other side sausage, peppers, and olives. Will you please write this down!"
"No, I've got it."
"Do not order onions. You ordered onions last time and it gave me gas."
"No onions, of course.."
"Are you sure you can remember it all?"
"Yes. Not to worry."
"I just know you're going to forget SOMETHING."
"Not to worry. I have it all down up here." he said as he taps his head and leaves.
Soon afterwards, he comes back with two double-scooped ice cream cones.
"You senile old fool!" snapped his wife. "I knew this would happen! You forgot the nuts!"

2006-10-27 09:34:00 · 9 answers · asked by thezaylady 7

LPXEROUNDERGROUND
*HINTS*
1. music
2. 3 words
3. names

2006-10-27 09:33:20 · 7 answers · asked by lpxerounderground 3

he got out but he was wrongly put back in for the same thin then he got out and he did it again.

2006-10-27 09:33:15 · 6 answers · asked by fuzzystuff511 2

2006-10-27 09:27:59 · 11 answers · asked by Martell C 1

A guy was told he had just 24 hours to live, so he decided to go home and make passionate love to his wife. He crept into the bedroom, slid into bed and for the next three hours enjoyed the wildest sex he'd ever experienced. Finally exhausted, he crawled into the bathroom where he was surprised to find his wife lying in the bath with a mudpack on her face. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Sssh!" she said. "You'll wake my mother."

2006-10-27 09:26:25 · 16 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
the other is a husband

more to follow. lol

2006-10-27 09:25:27 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you smell carrots ??

2006-10-27 09:22:57 · 18 answers · asked by abraxas5597 2

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."

2006-10-27 09:22:21 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted

2006-10-27 09:17:00 · 14 answers · asked by GIRL HUNTER 2

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

2006-10-27 09:15:47 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-27 09:13:28 · 16 answers · asked by dechouden3 1

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully
deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

2006-10-27 09:10:36 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-27 09:05:42 · 12 answers · asked by dechouden3 1

teacher says, WHERE have you been!!! your`e LATE!!! jonny says, sorry miss, i`ve been up penny lane, teacher says, SIT down!!! 10 mins later, little Harry arrives, teacher says, and where have YOU been?!!! YOU are late. Little Harry says, sorry miss, i`ve been up penny lane Teacher says, SIT DOWN!! 15 mins later, a young girl walks in, teacher says, OK!!! so i suppose YOU have been up penny lane as well? little girl says, no miss, i AM penny lane!

2006-10-27 09:02:59 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dragon captures two scientists, A & B, for dinner and tells them that he will set them free if they can both guess the age of his two children. He tells scientist (A) the product of their ages and scientist (B) the sum. They are not allowed to tell each other any numbers. The two scientists get together and have the following conversation:

Scientist A: I don’t know.
Scientist B: Me neither.
Scientist A: Now I know!!!
Scientist B: Me too!!!
How old are the dragon’s kids?

can some1 plz help me get this, and explain it to me.. plz... i wud really appreciate tht as this is the only thing that if i get it rite, i wont be failing my class ne more... so plz help.. .and do explain

2006-10-27 09:02:14 · 7 answers · asked by Kennedy E. 1

this one made me jump! whew! might as well share it with you brave souls out here..hehe..be sure you have headphones or speakers to complete the experience! shaloom!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13xMu78FUvs

p.s. dont watch if you have weak conditions, puleez!

2006-10-27 08:58:45 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, " Irving , remember that new car you promised me? Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, " Irving remember that ******* I promised you? Here it comes..."

2006-10-27 08:58:15 · 18 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

In this game we are going by the alphabet. I am gonna start with a word that starts with A. You guys are gonna give me words that start with the following letter, such as B, but this word, has to relate to the word that started with A in some kinda way and so forth.

For example:Apple
next word:Bug(bugs like apples)

Also, let me know what was the word you were referring to.
Bug (bugs like apples)
Apple

Okay...let start the next game...the word is:


Africa

2006-10-27 08:54:00 · 7 answers · asked by yagurlbubblez 3

Let's end the week with some laughs! Anyone got any funny jokes to share???
Have a good weekend!!

2006-10-27 08:53:41 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

The difference between "GUTS" and "BALLS"

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *** and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion

2006-10-27 08:52:26 · 8 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

There was a drunk man who got home at 3am and wanted to sneak into bed without his wife noticing how late his arrival was. Just as he was creeping towards the bedroom, the coo-coo clock above his head coo-cooed three times, telling the whole house that the hour was 3am.
Sly like a fox, the man coo-cooed nine more times, so if his wife heard the clock, she would think it was merely midnight. He slipped into bed and fell asleep beside her.
In the morning at breakfast, his wife asked him, "I think our coo-coo clock is acting funny."
Nervous, the man asked, "How do you mean?"
His wife looked him in the eye and said, "At 3am, it coo-cooed three times, swore, coo-cooed four more times, giggled, coo-cooed four more times, bealched, coo-cooed one more time, and then farted."

2006-10-27 08:52:17 · 8 answers · asked by thezaylady 7