silly jokes?

Question

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
the other is a husband

more to follow. lol

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven.
She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the
turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in
the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the
oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit
something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look
of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've
cooked a pregnant bird!"


At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It
took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

just to add, these are mainly from emails i received and have kept in my folders etc.

sorry if they have been repeated

Answer 1

that last one about the prego turkey was soooo funny

Answer 2

I sent the pregnant turkey joke in last week. Glad you enjoyed it enough to share.

Answer 3

Did the turkey thing rly hsppen or is it just a joke!

Answer 4

Yes they are silly jokes.

I believe i have answered to ure question. Right.

Answer 5

Q: How do you make a snooker table laugh?
A. Put your hand in its pocket and tickle its balls.

Answer 6

LOL!!!!!!!! Love em all, specially the last 1!

Answer 7

cool, great!

here's for you for the halloween dearie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13xMu78FUvs

Answer 8

THis doesn't seem to be a QUESTION. Was that intentional?

Answer 9

funny, i liked the last one most of all

Answer 10

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"




The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."






A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"





Did you hear the Pope got the Bird Flu.

He got it from a Cardinal.


One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"



A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they dont catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish.

As theyre driving home theyre really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend ans says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The girlfriend says, "Wow! Its a good thing we didnt catch any more!"



A redneck took his daughter to the Gynocologist.
They waited in the Doctors office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: "Well, what are we here for today"?
The father answered: "to get my daughter on birth control, Doc".
"Well, is your daughter sexually active?", asked the Doctor.
"No", answered the redneck, "she just lays there like her mother".



All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knights best friend.

He yelss - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"



There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say yes or did she say no?" He couldnt remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didnt remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldnt remember who had asked me."

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "Youre beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband woke up and said, "Youre cute."

Startled, she asked him, "What happened to beautiful?"

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.


A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Dont move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend youre a statue."

"Whats this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."





As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".



A girl called jess keeps falling asleep in class
one day the teacher comes up 2 her and goes
JESSICA, TELL ME WHO DIED ON THE CROSS

jess is sleepin so a boy pokes her in the back with a pencil...
in shock she jumps and goes JESUS CHRIST!

CORRECT!

a min later jess falls asleep again and the teacher comes over and goes... JESSICA, TELL ME WHO CREATED THE WORLD
she doesnt reply so the boy pokes her in the back with a pencil again

Jess once again jumps in fright and goes GOD ALMIGHTY

CORRECT!!!

jess falls asleep again yet the teacher comes over and says
JESSICA WAT DID EVE SAY 2 ADAM AFTER THEIR 29TH CHILD?!

Jess is sleeping so the boy pokes her again
she is so annoyed that she stands up and says

IF U POKE THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA RIP IT OFF YA!!




Alright theres a married couple and one day the wife aask her husband to change a light bulb he said i ain’t no electrian. later that day she ask him to fix a squeaky door and he said i ain’t no carpenter. that evening she was trying to go the store but the car needed oil so she asked her husband to put some oil in the car and he said i ain’t no mechanic and went to work. after he left a man came by and asked her what was the matter after she tolded him he said well i can fix all of that but u have to do something for me she said what he said u can have sex with me or bake me a pie. so after he left her husband came home and noticed everthing was fixed he asked his wife how everthing got fixed after she told him he asked so which did u do and she said i ain’t know betty crocker.



Theres this rich old lady who has never been satisfied by a man and she decided that she’ll give 1 million dollars to a man who can fully comfort her. so all these huge guys start to **** her one by one for the money and they all got kicked out by her all saying " whoa.... toooo big". Then some small guy hears about this and decides to have a go, and the other guys who got kicked out thought the little guy would get kicked out in a matter of seconds but bout an hour later he came out with the money. so they were amazed and asked how he did it and the dumb kid said " daddy told me to use my head to do everything.."


This horse on a farm goes up to the cow and goes, "I have a bigger dick than u" then he beats him up. The horse then goes up to a sheep and goes "I have a bigger dick than u" and beats him up too. He then goes up to the female cat and says "I have a bigger dick than u" and the cat replies "I don’t have a dick" then she beats up the horse. The moral of the story is, no matter how big the dick, the ***** can always take it.



where do hamsters go on holiday?

Hamsterdam


a horse walked in a bar and the bar amn said wats with the long face


wat do you call a dear with one eye


a no eye dear