Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

When they first "come" they are wet and wild, but when they leave, they take your money and your house.

2006-10-27 04:45:05 · 9 answers · asked by Seba 2

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

2006-10-27 04:44:41 · 17 answers · asked by Coyote 3

A blind guy, a deaf guy, and an armless guy were in a cave. All of a sudden, a blind guy said he heard something, the deaf guy said he saw something, and the armless guy said "Let's kick his ***!"

2006-10-27 04:36:11 · 14 answers · asked by Coyote 3

2006-10-27 04:30:52 · 23 answers · asked by dan t 1

A single lady places an ad in the newspaper looing for a single man:
SINGLE WOMAN SEEKING HANDSOME MAN
MUST NOT BE ABUSIVE
WILL NEVER WALK OUT ON ME
MUST BE WELL ENDOWD
a couple weeks later theres a loud hard knock at her door
she goes to answer the door and to her surprise theres a man with no arms or legs she asks him how she may help him he replys im here to answer your ad.
i have no arms so i could never hit your i have no legs so i could never walk out on you
than she replyed i also said well endowd
he replyed how do you think i knocked on the door?????

2006-10-27 04:19:33 · 13 answers · asked by Jasmine M 1

A guy is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"

"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replies.

"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"

Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his dick out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, "No, they look fine to me".

The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, Are my test results back?"

2006-10-27 04:16:51 · 26 answers · asked by Coyote 3

Is a person that plays the piano is call a "pianist", the why aren't racecar drivers called "racist"?

2006-10-27 04:15:11 · 5 answers · asked by Perfectly Insane 5

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:

My Dearest,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love, Roger

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

2006-10-27 04:14:30 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

From the clues below, can you determine the order in which they stood in the ticket queue?

Grumpy was in front of Dopey. Stumpy was behind Sneezy and Doc. Doc was in front of Droopy and Happy.
Sleepy was behind Stumpy, Smelly and Happy.
Happy was in front of Sleepy, Smelly and Bashful.
Bashful was behind Smelly, Droopy and Sleepy.
Sneezy was in front of Dopey. Smelly was in front of Grumpy, Stumpy and Sneezy.
Dopey was in front of Droopy.
Sleepy was in front of Grumpy and Bashful.
Dopey was behind Sneezy, Doc and Sleepy.
Stumpy was in front of Dopey. Smelly was behind Doc.

2006-10-27 03:50:19 · 6 answers · asked by JUNONNKI 3

'I was just sitting on his belly to flatten it'

To which the boy replies: 'I wouldn't bother, Auntie always kneels down to blow it back up!'

2006-10-27 03:49:22 · 23 answers · asked by Once B 3

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

2006-10-27 03:47:03 · 7 answers · asked by Kaleigh P 3

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

2006-10-27 03:44:14 · 19 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.

And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

2006-10-27 03:42:30 · 17 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

and man rides into town on friday and rides out on monday. He stays in a hotel for the whole of his visit but only pays for one day.

he doesn't leave town or the hotel and neither does he break the law, complain about his visit or redeem any vouchers.

How come he only paid for one night???

2006-10-27 03:38:53 · 16 answers · asked by kevsta 2

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

"Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.

"'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.

2006-10-27 03:34:21 · 14 answers · asked by asdf 1

**THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX:
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning. ...
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

2006-10-27 03:28:03 · 13 answers · asked by kisme86 3

2006-10-27 03:26:10 · 4 answers · asked by Beunikia C 1

my friend asked me this question the other day i still dont get it!!! some one please tell me that answer quick, its driving me insane!!!

2006-10-27 03:25:27 · 10 answers · asked by >>Raj<< 1

2006-10-27 03:15:45 · 37 answers · asked by LVTHEPLUMBER 2

The Real Jedi Duel



(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand. It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down....)

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No, Luke... I am your father!

Luke: No! It's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true.

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader : Yes, C-3PO. I built him -- when I was only seven years old.

Luke: No!

Darth Vader : Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself: No lightsaber, no hand, no job and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swa

2006-10-27 03:00:55 · 19 answers · asked by angel 4

Samantha worked at small gift shop near a bus stop. Tourists often came inside to kill time while waiting for the bus.

One day a group of four tourists entered the store. They were the only ones inside other than Samantha. Suddenly there was a loud scream and Samantha turned around to see a man lying face down on the table across the store. Samantha quickly dialed the number of the police station, and reported the incident.

The police arrived, and began asking the three tourists what they were doing at the time of the murder. The first was a taller man with graying hair. "I was choosing some of those shells to bring home to my daughter. The ones I picked out are on the shelf in front, see?" He pointed to the shells, and the officer nodded.

He turned to one of the ladies. She was wearing a camera around her neck. "I was purchasing film. I dropped it when I screamed. It's over there, the green package, 24 exposures." The officer examined the box.

Then he turned to the final woman. "I was checking my horoscope, I'm a Uranus, and they are supposed to have bad luck in June."

"Excuse me officer, but I think I know who the murderer is", said Samantha.



Please answer both questions below:

1) Who is the murderer?

2) How did Samantha know?

2006-10-27 03:00:55 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young beautiful woman gets in a lift, smelling like expensive perfume, she turns to the old women and says arrogantly ``giorgio beverly hills" £100 an ounce....
the next floor another beautiful woman gets in the lift, smelling like expensive purfume,she also turn to the old woman and says "chanel No5 £150 an ounce"
about 3 floors later, the old women has reached her floor and is about to get out of the lift before she leaves ,she looks both of the women in the eyes , turns around bends over ,farts and says broccoli 49p a pound...................

2006-10-27 03:00:14 · 19 answers · asked by chelsea 2

Who Runs the Human Body?

In the human body, which organ is in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

2006-10-27 02:53:20 · 17 answers · asked by Kamlesh 2

A woman phones her husband who is on his way home from work and says to him dont drive on the motorway on your way home from work hunny theres a madman on their driving in the wrong direction....her husband says i know there is theres bloody hundreds of em.

2006-10-27 02:52:51 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three Nuns were talking...

the first nun said, "i was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you
know what i found? a bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"what did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"well, of course i threw them all in the trash."
the second nun said, "well, i can top that. i was in the father's room putting
away the laundry and i found a bunch of condoms."
"oh my," gasped the other nuns. "what did you do?" they asked.
"i poked holes in all of them" she replied.
the third nun said, "oh shi*t."

2006-10-27 02:50:48 · 15 answers · asked by Citizen 1

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

2006-10-27 02:43:58 · 19 answers · asked by angel 4

A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas.

Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it.

He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it Back," said the owner.

The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; And I won't be bringing it back."

As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.

He started to trot towards the harbor. He took a nervous look around saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the harbor as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, "You're bringing it back!"

"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Mexican over there

2006-10-27 02:42:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

2006-10-27 02:35:42 · 30 answers · asked by Kamlesh 2

THE MUSHROOM !!!!!!!!

2006-10-27 02:15:05 · 16 answers · asked by RawBoucer 2

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up in
Jack's
Mini-van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they
Got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and
Asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the
night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge
House all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.
"I'm afraid neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry ," Jack said.
"We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed,
And the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the
night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their
way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.


About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined
that was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
House and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your
name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid
I did. Why do you ask?"




"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?
Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

2006-10-27 02:13:31 · 24 answers · asked by **SARAH** 3