Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

2006-10-26 22:49:50 · 16 answers · asked by **SARAH** 3

Cos jungle is massive!

2006-10-26 22:44:28 · 13 answers · asked by ? 1

2006-10-26 22:43:37 · 13 answers · asked by Birds 1

Two clones are standing on top of a tall sky scraper and one pushes the other to thier death... Murder or suicide or...?

2006-10-26 22:40:35 · 6 answers · asked by admiredi 4

A Rip Off

2006-10-26 22:40:20 · 22 answers · asked by ? 1

ok so i was at a airport in the bathroom and i was just minding my own business and these 2 old ladies were primping them selfs i guess and they said is that a boy of a girl ( i was the only one other then them in the bathroom) and they were staring at the stall and trying to look under!!!!!!! and i got out and they gave me a dirty look! i was only 12 when this happend..

2006-10-26 22:39:52 · 7 answers · asked by Brunette Diamond 5

see how they WALK see how they WALK

2006-10-26 22:39:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 mice ran up the clock the clock struck 1, and the other 2 got away with minor injuries

2006-10-26 22:33:22 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O?clock in the morning, A resounding noise came form outside... The woman, sort of bewildered, Jumps up from the bed and yells at the man Sh*t!, that must be my husband!So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked.He jumped out the window like a crazy man,Smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush,Then he stood up and started to run fast to his car. Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman I'm your husband, you bit*h!!! So the woman answers- Oh, yeah?!! And why were you running?!! You son of a ....!

2006-10-26 22:18:28 · 18 answers · asked by Pd 6

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the door attendant says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming...

2006-10-26 22:15:06 · 11 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the Bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife And the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the Husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by theTicking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on The sidewalk, and says to him....."Why don't you put a Piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking Sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies...." If you would've put a rubber At the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus"


__._,_.___

2006-10-26 22:10:55 · 19 answers · asked by Pd 6

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"

2006-10-26 22:10:50 · 21 answers · asked by anitha 4

There was this man from Nantucket,
Whose c**k was so long he could suck it,
He'd say with a grin,
While licking his chin,
If my ear was a p***y I'd F**k it

There was this sexy young maid called Jill,
Who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill,
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her t*ts in Brazil

2006-10-26 22:07:11 · 9 answers · asked by Andrew D 2

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when
they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3 Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4 Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3'
in housewares .... and see what happens.

5 Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6 Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7 Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the! bedding department.

8 When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't
you people just leave me alone?'

9 Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your
nose.

10 While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti- depressants are.

2006-10-26 22:05:17 · 17 answers · asked by Tawney 2

A duck walks in to a post office & says,
“Do you have any soap?”
and the man says,
“No, we only sell post cards, stamps and envelopes”, so the duck left….

The next day the duck walks into the post office again and says,
“Do you have any soap?”
and the and the man said,
“No!, And if you ever come in here asking for soap one more time,
I'll nail your damn beak to this desk!!!”

…so the duck come in on the next day and says,
”Do you have any nails?”
and the furious man says,
“NO!!!!!!!!!”
so the duck says, “Ok do you have any soap?”

2006-10-26 21:50:40 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
.....

2006-10-26 21:48:13 · 18 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2006-10-26 21:46:44 · 29 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

1.Your mom colours your eggs nice, but tell her to change the lipstick
2.You have legs like doe.Thin, curved and hairy.
3.You are sweet as diabetes.
4.Your house is so small that you have to eat big pizza in your yard.
5.Yor are living proof that shits can walk.
6.WHy does farting stinks?-SO that deaf people can hear it.
7.What's the name of the bloodiest Japanese in the world?-Tam-pon

2006-10-26 21:46:42 · 3 answers · asked by bilezlatko 3

An Irish man walks into a pet shop and says "I'd like to buy a wasp please" the shop keeper says "sorry we don't sell wasps" the Irish man says "well you've got one in the window!" :0)

2006-10-26 21:45:38 · 42 answers · asked by f**kwit 1

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for hours

Step 14: Test the lurkey for numbness

Step 15: Take the oven out of the lurkey

Step 16: Floor the lurkey up off of the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself nuther scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

2006-10-26 21:30:15 · 10 answers · asked by Zodiac_Child 3

from itchen who scratched her tw*t in the kitchen, her mother yelled ROSE! FLEAS I SUPPOSE,she replied, BOLLOX get on with your knitting

2006-10-26 21:14:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

please give me some funny blond jokes best jokes get 10 points

2006-10-26 21:13:31 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf
crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf!” says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!.......
Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again
-this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf!! " says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and runs away! …..
About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again,
this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf!!!" taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
“AAHHHHHHHHHHH !!!”

”WILL YOU GET LOST?, I’M TRYING TO TAKE A SH!T !"

2006-10-26 21:03:13 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Johnny lives in an apartment, 6 floors up –
He comes home early from work to try to catch the guy who’s having an affair with his wife.
He rushes into the kitchen looking for the man & he hears a car pulling away.
Grabbing the refrigerator, he hurls it out of the window, smashing the car below.
His wife is furious and smacks him in the face with a frying pan.
He wakes up the next day in hospital, with his nose spread right across his face.
Looking right, he sees another guy who has both legs strapped up and both arms in plaster.
”What happened to you?” he asks.
“I was just leaving for work & some idiot throws a fridge at my car!”
Embarrassed he turns to the left - where there’s a guy laying there head to toe in a plaster cast & tubes going in and out of him.
He asks the guy,
“Whoa, what happened to you?” to which the guy replied -
”well.... there I was, sitting in this refrigerator ......."

2006-10-26 21:01:41 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Seeing a riddle a minute ago made me think about this and I decided to see if you people can work it out.

There's a car with no headlights on driving down an unlit alleyway towards a man dressed completely in black. The car misses the man - how?

2006-10-26 20:59:18 · 27 answers · asked by h0axsp1d0r 3

Give me the best answer as you can, ok!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-10-26 20:45:03 · 30 answers · asked by Littlebeautymsgirl 1

Two bodies have I,
though both joined in one.
The more still I stand,
the quicker I run.

Who am I?

2006-10-26 20:41:36 · 14 answers · asked by slider 1

your eyes in a stuper
1234 fingers a tapping
the picture you pull up your heart is a clapping
only your computer crashing
will stop your hands
from there vertical flapping

2006-10-26 20:40:24 · 22 answers · asked by grogzie 1

around with their hands in their pockets are feeling cocky

2006-10-26 20:33:27 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating
the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully
expresses himself to
the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a
pair of
sunglasses, how should he express himself?

2006-10-26 20:25:01 · 16 answers · asked by FliPsIde 2