Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

I got best answer with this one. 5 stars! Here goes:

A blonde, and brunette, and a red head were flying in an airplane.
The brunette throws a banana out the window, and says "Where ever this banana lands, i'm going to live." The red head throws an
apple out the window and says, "Where ever this apple lands, i'm
going to live." Finally, the blonde throws a grenede out the
window, and says the same thing. So, they all board off the plane,
and the brunette sees her banana and a little girl crying. She says, "Little girl, why are you crying?" The little girl looks up and says, "A banana fell out of the sky and hit me on the head. "Oh, i'm sorry!" The brunette says. The red head has the same thing happen to her. Finally, the blonde sees her grenede, and an old man laughing, and says, "Old man, why are you laughing?" He says, "When i farted my house blew up."

On a scale of 1-10, what do you think? More description why, better chance of getting 10 pts!

2006-10-26 13:32:22 · 37 answers · asked by taylor ! 4

What's greater than God
More evil than Satan
The rich need it
The poor have it
If you eat it, you die
What is it?

2006-10-26 13:27:30 · 14 answers · asked by ? 2

Q. Why do old women NOT have smear tests?



A. Have you ever tried opening a cheese toastie?

2006-10-26 13:25:13 · 18 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

put him in a round room, and tell him to pee in the corner

2006-10-26 13:24:40 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"

"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.

And the cop replied...
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"

2006-10-26 13:22:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Me: How can you fit a elephant in a safeway bag?
You: How?
Me:Take away letter F in WAY!
You: There's no F in way!
Me:Get it?

(I got it from my friend I didn't make it up)

2006-10-26 13:19:30 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

2006-10-26 13:18:18 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.

Oh no! Where's my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?

There go the lights again?

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?

Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"

2006-10-26 13:17:45 · 15 answers · asked by Gemini23 4

I know the answer. but if you anwer it right, you get a prize!

2006-10-26 13:14:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

whats that joke about a boy asks his mom what that is while they were in the shower and she said garage. then he asked his dad the same thing in the shower and hes said my car. then one night he saw his mom and dad and yelled mom das car is in your garage can someone tell me the real way to say it I cant remember

2006-10-26 13:14:42 · 4 answers · asked by *~♥3r|k@♥~* 2

A girl walks into radio sack and wants to by a t.v, so she gose up to the clerk and saids, Can I buy that t.v and he saids No. Why? Because, your a blond.
Three hours later she trys again and and saids Can I buy the t.v now and he saids No. Why? Because your a blond.
Three hours later she trys ONCE AGAIN and saids Can I buy the t.v now and he saids No because your a blond. She saids, How can you tell I'm a blond!
Because, it's not a t.v, it's a microwave.

2006-10-26 13:13:15 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was once this happily married old couple, well, they were happy apart from one thing, the husband's bad habbit of breaking wind every morning.

On their 30th wedding anniversary, the wife woke up,as usual, coughing and and gasping for breath. She then decided that she was so fed up with this that she would get her revenge. So she went downstairs, into the kitchen, picked up a big bowl, and filled it with raw liver,mashed potato, gravy, red wine and minced beef, shemixed it all up, went upstairs and dumped the contents of the bowl into the bed next to her husband. She went downstairs and waited.

About an hour later, the wife heard acouple of huge farts reverberate off the foorboards and then she heard a blood curdling scream.

About an hour later the husband came down the stairs holding the "bloodstained" sheets and pyjamas. He then said

'wife, all these years you've been telling me, but i never did, but now i knew i should have listend.'

'What do you mean?' asked the wife tying not laugh.

'All these years you've been telling me that one day i'd fart my guts out, and today it finally happend. But by the grace of god and these two fingers i got them all back in again'

2006-10-26 13:11:59 · 19 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

Have you ever heard of this joke?
I like it!

2006-10-26 13:08:04 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde is driving the wrong way down a one-way street late at night. There is a cop sitting across the street, and he sees this, so he pulls her over. He walks up to the window and bends down to ask for her driver's license. She looks at him stupidly and says, "Driver's license? What's that??"

He tells her "It's the little rectangular thing with your picture on it, that says you can drive a car." "OH DUH!!! OK... Here ya go!" He looks at it and then asks if he can see her proof of insurance. She looks at him, even more confused than before, and says, "Insurance? What's that?"

He rolls his eyes and tells her, "It's the little piece of paper that says if you have a wreck, that someone is going to pay for the damage. "OH DUH!!! OK... I know what that is now... Here ya go!"

He starts thinking how dumb this woman is, and glances around to see if anyone else is around or might see what's going on, but no one is, so he unzip his pants, and pulls it out. She looks at him, looks at it, and exclaims,

"OH NO! Not another breathalyzer test!"

2006-10-26 13:07:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men were sitting around talking about their wives.
The first one married a girl from California and had told her she was going to do all the dishes and all the housecleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Texas . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day, he didn't see any results...... but the next day it was better. By the third day his house was cleaned, dishes were done and he had a huge meal on the table.

The third man had married a Missouri girl. He boasted that he had told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day, he didn't see anything.... the second day, he didn't see anyth

2006-10-26 12:59:19 · 10 answers · asked by Amanda L 3

Analyse yourself PSYCHO TEST

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right - including me, apart from one guy in Canada.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy, she believed him to be just that! She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? (Give this some thought
before you answer).

SCROLL DOWN.


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Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a
test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same
mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered
the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly good
for you

2006-10-26 12:57:33 · 25 answers · asked by Katiedd 1

ok ay heres a cupple okay jokes..

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

becasue he was dead

why did the second monkey fal out of the tree?

becasue he was stapled to the first one!!!

okay okay so why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?

he was dead!

why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

no because he wanted to !

why did the THIRD monkey fall out of the tree?

peer pressure

lol so heres another

two muffins are baking in the oven... one says
" boy its getting hot in here!" and the second responds:
" HOLY SCHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!"

lol ok a third

so a blonde, a smart blond and santa claus are falling off a cliff who hits the ground first ?

the blonde becasue smart blondes and santa claus dont exist

haha ha a please tell me if u liked them ?

2006-10-26 12:56:47 · 7 answers · asked by The Lovely Ladies of Soccer 3

An old man goes to the doctor one day. Being very nervous about the visit he takes his wife along. The doc says I am gonna need a stool sample, a urine sample and a semen sample. The old man being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "what did he say"? The wife says.... "He said give him your underwear"!

2006-10-26 12:47:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-26 12:47:13 · 16 answers · asked by jaketherake 2

a good friend would bail you out of jail, but a true friend would be sitting right next to you saying "that was fun"

2006-10-26 12:43:25 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Heard this bumper on my local radio station:

"Halloween safter tip #6: If someone comes to your door dress like Osama Bin Laden, don't take the chance. Shoot him in the leg and search him for WMDs"

I thought it was funny, who thinks it was ok and who thought it was still too soon.

2006-10-26 12:31:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

so he goes to buy a parrot, to hide behind the curtains, and repeat what he hears. The only one the pet shop has, is very clever talker, but has no legs. He buys the parrot anyway, and instructs it to watch, and listen, and tell him everything he sees and hears, when he returns in the morn. The parrot agrees. When the fella comes home, he says well, what went on? the parrot says, well, she came up into the room with a young fit guy, husband says, yes, go on, well, he peeled off her bra with his teeth, and got down to her thong, they were panting, rampant, he peeled off her thong, she was screaming, yes, yes, yes, he climbed on top of her naked svelt body, (husband, bursting a blood vessel) yes!!! and then what? parrot.....dunno, got a hard on, and fell off my perch.

2006-10-26 12:26:03 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

we dont have to be rednecks to recycle our toilet paper, or do we?

2006-10-26 12:23:01 · 16 answers · asked by The Hitman 4

it is stupid but it makes sense and its really easy, the person with the ugliest picture will be my winning choice

2006-10-26 12:22:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

SPELL GHOST
============
WHAT DO YOU PUT IN A TOASTER?

ANSWER====================



BREAD.....BUT EVERYONE SAYS TOAST.
what do think.....good?

2006-10-26 12:21:14 · 22 answers · asked by diane c 3

2006-10-26 12:11:39 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Often Held, But Seldom Touched
often bites but seldom bit
always wet but never rusts
to use me well you must have wit
What am I !!!!

2006-10-26 12:10:36 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man comes home feeling pretty frisky after partying with his buddies half the night.
He walks into the bedroom where his wife is still waiting up for him.
He takes off all of his clothes and says, "Baby, you are looking at 200 pounds of dynamite."
His wife opens the window and yells, "Everyone run for your lives, there's 200 pounds of dynamite in my bedroom and it's only got a 3" fuse.

That's all for tonight - take a look at my many other jokes - they might bring a smile to your face and remember....
"The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed!"

2006-10-26 12:03:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

i need a simile for "dives like" or "jumps like" for my poem
can u think of any off the top of your head or do u know of any websites loaded with similes?

2006-10-26 12:01:07 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

And is having trouble with his false teeth. The more he tries to eat the worse the pain gets. He mentions it to the man sitting next to him, and the man says "Here, try these" and hands him a set of dentures.
He tries them out, but no luck. They're worse than his originals. He hands them back and the guy says, "well, how about these" and hands him another pair.
Again no luck, terrible fit, and lots of pain.
As he gives the 2nd pair back, he is handed a third pair that fit perfectly.
As he is eating his meal, he strikes up a conversation with the fellow, and asks, "So, are you a denturist?"
The man replies "No, I'm a mortician"

2006-10-26 12:00:45 · 5 answers · asked by George Curious 3