funny joke?

Question

ok ay heres a cupple okay jokes..

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

becasue he was dead

why did the second monkey fal out of the tree?

becasue he was stapled to the first one!!!

okay okay so why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?

he was dead!

why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

no because he wanted to !

why did the THIRD monkey fall out of the tree?

peer pressure

lol so heres another

two muffins are baking in the oven... one says
" boy its getting hot in here!" and the second responds:
" HOLY SCHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!"

lol ok a third

so a blonde, a smart blond and santa claus are falling off a cliff who hits the ground first ?

the blonde becasue smart blondes and santa claus dont exist

haha ha a please tell me if u liked them ?

IF yOU WANT U CAN TELL ME A JOKE WHO KNOWS I MIGHT GIVE U 10 PTS?

Answer 1

A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the vet.

All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"

"Standard pricing practice," said the vet. "The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!"

Answer 2

One is a song, and another is a Michael Jackson joke.

Number 1:

(Sung to the tune of 'Ibelive I Can Fly')

♫ I belive I can die, ♫
♫ I got ran over by the Ice Cream guy, ♫
♫ All I wanted was a popsicle, ♫
♫ Instead I ended up in a hospital . . . ♫

Number 2:

Q: What does a television and Mchael Jackson have in common?

A: They both can get turned on by three year olds.

That's all I got.

Answer 3

Disorder in the Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________...
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Answer 4

the monkey ones are just wierd and the others are o.k.

Answer 5

Blonde Jokes

How do you kill a blonde?.....
Scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

How did the blond explain how her helicopter crashed?
She said it was getting cold, so she turned off the ceiling fan.

What's the advantage of being married to a blond?
You can park in handicapped zones.

What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She slipped off and fell down the drain.

How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
It is the one with the kickstand.

Did you hear about the blond who never learned to water ski?
She couldn't find a lake with a slope.

A blond is going to London on a plane; how can you steal her window seat?
Tell her all seats going to London are in the middle row.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.


Why don't blonds have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.

Did you hear about the blond who just bought an A.M. radio?
It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea?
She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.

Why did the blond stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?
She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

What does a postcard from a blonde’s vacation say?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Why do blonds have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes go in first.

Why did the blond tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Why did the blond get so excited after he finished the jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
Because on the box, it said "From 2-4 years."

Did you hear about the blond who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.

A young blonde, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.
"I'll just catch my own alligator," she told one shopkeeper," so I can get a pair of shoes for free.
Later the shopkeeper drove home. He spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou,
shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in. She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement
as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.
"Darn!" the blonde shouted in dismay. "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

A blonde goes to get her hair cut. The hair stylist cuts for about 30 minutes, hands the blonde a mirror and asks, "How do you like it?" The blonde says, "It's okay, but could you make it just a little longer on the back?"

There is a blonde who goes into a store and says, "Excuse me sir, can I buy that television?" The guy said, "No, I don't sell anything to blondes." So the blonde goes home colors her hair red and goes back to the store. She says, "Excuse me sir, can I buy that television?" He says, "I don't sell anything to blondes." So the blonde goes home, colors her hair pitch black and goes back. She says, "Excuse me sir, can I buy that television?" He says," No I don't sell anything to blondes." She says, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" He says, "Only a blonde would think a microwave is a T.V."

A blond gets tired of it all and dyes her hair. She's now a brunette and feels *much* smarter. Everyone tells her she's smarter. So she goes for a drive in the country one day and stops in a lane which is blocked by a herd of sheep. She gets out, talks to the farmer and says, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" He looks perplexed but says, "Sure." So she says, “Uh....157?" He says, "My God, that's correct. Take a sheep. So she wanders among the herd. She likes this one and that one and finally is very attracted to one that wags its tail and likes her. She picks it up and puts in it the car. The farmer says, "Can I make a deal with you?" "Sure," says she. He says, "If I can guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her Lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman. She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut." The hairdresser checks her out and says, "OK, sit down and take off your headphones." "No way!" shouts the blonde, "If I take off my headphones, I'll die!" "Then I can't give you a haircut," replies the hairdresser. So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the board-walk. She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, "I need a haircut... but you can't take off my headphones or I'll die!" The hairdresser looks at her a little weird, but says, "OK, no problem. Have a seat." So the blonde sits down and the hairdresser comes up behind her, and when she isn't looking, rips the headphones off her head. Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face, then keels over and dies right there in the salon chair. The hairdresser is a little freaked by this. The hairdresser leans over and cautiously listens into the blonde's headphones and hears...
"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

Why was the blonde fired from her job at the M&M's factory? Because she kept throwing out all of the ones marked with a "W"!

How did the blonde die raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree!

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State
building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so
intense that it carries you around the building and
back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping down the bar, but says nothing. The second guy
says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that could happen."
"No, it's true," said the first man,
"let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below.
When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor
window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished."You
know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a
one-time fluke.
That was scientific-ally impossible!"
"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as his body hurtles toward the street, the
10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the
bar. Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the heck," the
second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony, plunges downward....rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th, 7th
floors....his body hits the sidewalk with a loud
"splat."
Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head. He says..."You know, Superman, you’re a lousy drunk.

Answer 6

um
those were just old
and lame

Answer 7

I am so sorry but I didn't think it was funny.