Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

so me and my friends play a prank on my other friend, we took off the bottom part of his bed, but left the frame, then we put just enough tape across the frame to hold up the mattress, so when he laid down he fell through!!! it was hilarious, the while he was playing on his 360, we stole all of his clothes from his closet and all his laundry so he had absolutely no clothes other than the ones he was wearing....its was so great, but know i have to come up with something to top that... any ideas??

2006-10-26 08:58:17 · 10 answers · asked by mrbigshot_raul 2

JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feed his new baby sister. After a while he asked, "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom goodnight. "I love you so much that when you die, I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY(age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain-killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said. "It makes my teeth cough."

2006-10-26 08:55:21 · 18 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

paddy and mick where on the way to the sprem bank when it all went wrong, paddy missed the tube and mick came on the bus

2006-10-26 08:54:07 · 24 answers · asked by chickenfoot 1

Chinese man calls his boss,me no work me sick. Boss says when i'm sick i **** my wife, try that. 2 hrs later chinese man calls back. Me better u got nice house!

2006-10-26 08:53:14 · 9 answers · asked by *Red Hotts* 2

a man told 3 men to do something bad then drink some holy water to forgive them.the1man said he stole jewlry.and the man said drink the holy water.the2man said he got in a fight.and the man said go drink the holy water.the3man said I pied in the holy water.

2006-10-26 08:48:23 · 22 answers · asked by betty boop 3

2006-10-26 08:44:47 · 3 answers · asked by tangerine 7

Crazy, huh? =P

2006-10-26 08:44:26 · 17 answers · asked by PrettyProblem 5

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are ok. The Surgeon decides to keep the the bullets in because it is too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years and then one duaghter walks into the room in tears. "Whats wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a wee and a bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's ok and explains what happened 16 years before.

About a week later the 2nd daughter walks into the room in tears, "Mam, I was having a wee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years before.

A week later the son walks into the room in tears. "It's ok", says the mam, "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out!"

"No" says the boy, "I was having a w*** and I shot the dog!"

2006-10-26 08:41:30 · 14 answers · asked by irosheyes 1

2006-10-26 08:36:36 · 33 answers · asked by tangerine 7

A bartender was working one day when a group of blondes enter the bar. They order a couple drinks and gather around a table chanting "51 days! 51 days!" Soon another group of blondes enter the bar and do the same, all the while chanting "51 days! 51 days!" The bartender became confused but didn't bother asking. Soon another blonde walks in with some sort of picture under her arm and joins the rest. The bartender becomes very curious so he waits until the shouting dies down and walks over to the table. The picture he saw was a children’s puzzle that was glued to cardboard. He asks what was with all the chanting. A blonde answers, "The box of this puzzle says 2-4 yrs. we finished it in 51 days!!"


This blonde is the middle of an open field rowing a boat. anohter blonde drives up and pulls off the road. the blonde in the car got out and walked to the edge of the field and yelled "it's blondes like you that give us a bad name and if I could swim id come out there and kick your butt"

2006-10-26 08:30:48 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

2006-10-26 08:16:11 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

2006-10-26 08:15:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

cos they can wash their crack and sell it again.

2006-10-26 08:06:23 · 27 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

2006-10-26 08:02:22 · 14 answers · asked by rdx 2

Both were in their ninties with good health other than normal aging signs like sight loss, hearing loss, false teeth and so on. They had a big wedding right down to the flower girl, ring bearer and hotel room to top off the night. Sitting at the end of the bed the old man said "Honey I am going to step in the bathroom and slip into something more comfy and I would like for you to do the same." The old lady pulled out this red feather boa, red stockings, garter belt, high heels and so on. Looking in the mirror she thought NOT TO BAD for an old lady then wondered if she was as limber so she sat down and threw her leg over her head and it got stuck in the headboard. About that time the old man stepped out of the bathroom leaving his glasses behind and said "Hot damn honey the least you could have done was combed your hair and put your teeth in."

2006-10-26 08:01:05 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A duck waddles into a hardware store, goes up to the clerk and asks, "got any duckfeed?"
The clerk curtly says,"no," and goes about his business.
Next day, the duck comes into the hardware store and asks again, "got any duckfeed?"
The clerk says, "I told you yesterday, we don't have any duckfeed and we still don't today."
The duck leaves, but returns the next day.
"Got any duckfeed," the duck asks the clerk.
The Clerk fumes, "Look. I told you we don't have any duckfeed. If you ask me that one more time, I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor."
The duck leaves. But returns the next day, yet again.
He asks the Clerk, "got any nails?"
The clerk stammered and said, "no, but we're expecting a shipment this afternoon."
Then the duck asked, "got any duckfeed?"

2006-10-26 07:58:08 · 21 answers · asked by Finnegan 7

there was once a man from Nantuteck... never heard what comes after

2006-10-26 07:56:13 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Blair goes to Scotland

Tony Blair is being shown round an Edinburgh hospital and enters a ward
full of patients with no apparent signs of injury. He approaches the first
and says 'how are you today?' the guy replies

'Fair fa' you honest sonsie face,

Great Chieftain o' the puddin' race

Aboon them a' ye tak your place,

Painch, tripe or thaim,

Weel are ye wordy o' a' grace, As lang's me arm.'

Tony, confused, grins and moves on to the next patient and offers the same
greeting, to which the guy says

'Some hae meat and canna eat,

And some wid eat that want it,

But we hae meat and we can eat,

So say the Lord be thankit.'

Tony's getting really baffled now, but moves on again and asks another
patient how he's doing - receives reply

'Wee sleekit, cow'r'in' tim'rous beastie,

O, what a panic's in thy breastie!

Thou need na start awa sae hasty,

Wi bickerin' brattle!'

Finally exasperated, Tony turns to the doctor and says 'what is this, a
mental ward?'

'No,' says the doctor, 'It's the Serious Burns Unit"

2006-10-26 07:53:00 · 18 answers · asked by Alicat 6

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his
feet--who insisted he didn't need any help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel
him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting
him.

I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown."

2006-10-26 07:46:48 · 32 answers · asked by Alicat 6

2006-10-26 07:41:20 · 23 answers · asked by rdx 2

Paddy: me feet are freezin mate, nip up stairs and get me slippers wud yer? ' no problem ' replies Murphy and runs upstairs only to find Paddy's two stunning 19 yr old twin daughters sitting on their bed. Murphy: hello der girls, yer dad sent me up here to sh*g both of yer. ' f*ck off yer liar' replied the girls. 'ok I'll prove it' replies Murphy and shouts down the stairs "both of them Pat?"
Paddy: ofcourse! whats the use of f*ckin one of them.

2006-10-26 07:40:49 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

my partners irish and i love telling him irish jokes it always pisses him off i sick of his english one tho

2006-10-26 07:38:54 · 13 answers · asked by lisa h 2

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a ****!"

2006-10-26 07:34:29 · 29 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

2006-10-26 07:29:45 · 18 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
...

2006-10-26 07:27:59 · 12 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

did you hear the one about the irishman who tried to blow up a car

burnt his lips on the exhaust

2006-10-26 07:27:28 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a young man from Siberia
Whos manners were very inferior
He did to a nun what he shouldn't have done
And now she's a mother superior.

2006-10-26 07:19:53 · 13 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

He ate what came from the bush, Bushtucker
One day he made a mistake,
Ate the wrong part of a Snake,
And it killed him the silly Fellow

2006-10-26 07:19:22 · 7 answers · asked by jabelite 3

two irishmen decide to have a game of snooker and after an hour neither has potted a ball one turns to the other and says"shall we cheat and take the triangle off"





sorry chass

2006-10-26 07:17:55 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

fcuk.
I see it all the time.

2006-10-26 07:08:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous