Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

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do it now

2006-10-26 02:11:22 · 4 answers · asked by f375 1

As flight 235 approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:
PILOT: Bjeeesus will ye look how shart dat runway is?
CO- PILOT: Yer nat fecking kiddin Paddy
PILOT: Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever Shamus! Right , when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse.
CO-PILOT: Royt, I'll do dat!
PILOT: An den ye put de flaps down. An den stamp on de brakes as hard as you can and pray te de Holy Mudder a Gad!!
Soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes .The brakes screeched, the tyres squealed, and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers, and , Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop but a few meters from the end of the runway!!!
As Paddy and shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure paddy looked out of the window and said to shamus "Dat has got to be de shartist runway in de World!" Shamus said "Yes, but look how feckin wide it is?"

(I am Irish myself!)

2006-10-26 02:10:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."

"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.

The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.

"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."

2006-10-26 02:05:11 · 9 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

2006-10-26 02:00:09 · 22 answers · asked by brightongoose 1

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Just before 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh ****," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

2006-10-26 01:53:36 · 26 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

4 friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,
reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the
rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
1st guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working
at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied
Economics & Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate
ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he
gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
2nd guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride & joy, he started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

2006-10-26 01:52:32 · 8 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.



Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.



Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.





If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.



If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing.



If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.



If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.



If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.



If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.


If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.



If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.



If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in sales.


If they have already left for the day

2006-10-26 01:45:50 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-26 01:43:54 · 14 answers · asked by Mike Oxlong 2

Answer!!! Democrat. You don't believe me. Then just take a look at a picture of the symbol of the Democratic Party. Or better yet just listen real closely when they open their mouth and Bray....Hee Haw!! Hee Haw!!

2006-10-26 01:42:47 · 6 answers · asked by barrettins 3

Q Inspired by Monitorhead’s Dyson

2006-10-26 01:36:54 · 2 answers · asked by MojoMan 6

The Judge asked the prostitute "So when did you realize you were raped?






"Prostitute replied "When the cheque bounced!!!!

2006-10-26 01:33:52 · 5 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

2006-10-26 01:31:38 · 4 answers · asked by MojoMan 6

f375 5s 7ak5ng so73 8a83rs...

do it now.

2006-10-26 01:20:05 · 5 answers · asked by f375 1

I did, it came at the very end and said' "You've just f*cked your stylus".

2006-10-26 01:17:54 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

what can be long, what can be short. what can be tall, what can be low. what can be thick, what can be thin, its used for protection and used a lot, it is also seen in every city.

2006-10-26 01:10:30 · 13 answers · asked by CowboyFrancis 2

A DOG'S DIARY
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm - Oh boy!
Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

A CAT'S DIARY
Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am
forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the
hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the
furniture. Tomorrow I
may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to
kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking
almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an
attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on
their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in
an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to
try to
strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about
what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event! . However, I could hear the noise and
smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was
due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is
and
how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The
dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an
informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety
is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time……

2006-10-26 01:04:52 · 15 answers · asked by marnibrown1 5

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eyes and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time... BRING POSSE!"

2006-10-26 01:04:51 · 13 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Two men meet in Heaven and they are talking about how they died!
the first man says that he froze to death!
the second man says:i had a heart attack.I returned home and i understood that my wife was hiding somewhere her lover!so i run in the bedroom but i didnt find anybody there so i mmediately run in the basement but i didnt find anybody there either after that i run to the attic but nobody was there!after all these running i had a heart attack and i died
and the first man tell me
"if you had searched in the refrigerator from the begging we would both be alive now!"

2006-10-26 00:58:17 · 15 answers · asked by girl24gr 3

A git or a sunbed?

2006-10-26 00:50:28 · 15 answers · asked by markhatter 6

I was on my right way. But there is two way. One is X way and the another is Y way. Two men are standing on each way. I know that one of them always say true and other always falsh. But I dont know that who say true and who says falsh. The condition is that I can ask only one question and to only one of them. When I ask my question I dont know that will he say true of falsh. Tell me only one question that I will ask to anyone of them and I get the right way.

2006-10-26 00:34:34 · 10 answers · asked by girls_r_borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr 1

Hi all, I'm in a bad mood right now and I can do with a good laugh. Can you guys plz send me some jokes?

2006-10-26 00:23:06 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

My husband said he wanted more space, SO I

2006-10-26 00:22:15 · 17 answers · asked by bilezlatko 3

Part 3 Of 3: As an Adult:
I made an order online as "Peter Parker" I was then told that I had broken a law or two.(without realizing it!) And a brother thought I would be jailed. (I was not meaning to pull a prank!) You may ask why I picked the alias name of "Peter Parker". The idea originated from reading "Webmaster@____.com", .net or .org atleast three times.
I am not a "Spider-Man" fan as some may think.
The order was for a game disc & the overall price was $37.94.
In making the order, I was told, that my mother allowed me to use her credit card.
(I do not own a credit card). Once the order was made & completed, I waited for the game disc to arrive by mail & I then changed the "Peter Parker" name & deleted all the mail that was in that subtitute e-mail address.
(The game disc has the "Peter Parker" name stamped on it).
I still have that very same substitute e-mail address, but the account & mail no longer shows up with the "Peter Parker" name.
PS: I was never charged!

2006-10-26 00:18:42 · 2 answers · asked by Math_Maestro 7

2006-10-26 00:10:53 · 15 answers · asked by bilezlatko 3

A horse walks into a public bar – the barman turns to the horse and says …..

What happens when you play a country record backwards?

2006-10-26 00:07:48 · 20 answers · asked by vincegill 3

Part 3 Of 3: As an Adult:
I made an order online as "Peter Parker" I was then told that I had broken a law or two.(without realizing it!) And a brother thought I would be jailed. (I was not meaning to pull a prank!) You may ask why I picked the alias name of "Peter Parker". The idea originated from reading "Webmaster@____.com", .net or .org atleast three times. I am not a
"Spider-Man" fan as some may think. The order was for a game disc & the overall price was $37.94.
In making the order, I was told, that my mother allowed me to use her credit card.
(I do not own a credit card). Once the order was made & completed, I waited for the game disc to arrive by mail & I then changed the "Peter Parker" name & deleted all the mail that was in that subtitute e-mail address.
(The game disc has the "Peter Parker" name stamped on it).
I still have that very same substitute e-mail address, but the account & mail no longer shows up with the "Peter Parker" name.
PS: I was never charged!

2006-10-26 00:02:28 · 6 answers · asked by Math_Maestro 7

that will save them a lot of time...
What do men and sperm have in common?

They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

2006-10-26 00:02:12 · 12 answers · asked by bilezlatko 3

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:
7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

2006-10-26 00:01:46 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A gynecologist decides that he'd had it with gynecology. He wanted to go and fulfill his lifelong dream and become a car mechanic. So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered to go take the state licensing test. The results of the test arrived a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope to discover that he passed with flying colors! He got a score of 200 points out of the 100 points possible.

"200 points out of 100 points possible?" he asks himself. "How can that be?"

So he calls the licensing board and they tell him: "You see sir, you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, 50 points for putting the engine back perfectly, and 100 EXTRA points for doing it all through the muffler."

2006-10-25 23:59:44 · 11 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

has just revealed thats the last time he'll lend madonna his credit card to purchase a little black number...........

2006-10-25 23:56:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous