Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

Prove it!

2006-10-25 13:53:13 · 16 answers · asked by AZRAEL Ψ 5

What does "Do polar bears **** in the woods" and "doeas the pope **** in the woods?" i heard it on GTA san ANdreas and i don't get it. What's it mean?

2006-10-25 13:46:16 · 22 answers · asked by Classic Rocker 2

(serious question)

2006-10-25 13:41:18 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your last name stays put.The garage is all yours.Wedding plans take care of themselves.Chocolate is just another snack.You can be president.You can never be pregnant.You can wear a white T-shirt to the water park.You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.The world's your urinal.Same work, more pay.Wrinkles add character.Wedding dress £2000, wedding Tux £50.People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.Phone conversations are over in 30secs flat.A 5day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.Your underwear is £5.50 for a 3pack.You only have to shave your face & neck.You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.You can do your nails with a pocket knife.You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.Your belly usually hides your big hips.New shoes don't cut,blister or mangle your feet.The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.You can do Xmas shopping for 25relatives on 24th Dec in 25mins WHO WOULD WANT TO BE A MAN??

2006-10-25 13:22:50 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

One time my mom was getting pissed at this place that was constantly calling us so she picked up the phone and said this was the local psych ward, I was cracking up I'm sure the telemarketer heard me laughing.

2006-10-25 13:21:42 · 13 answers · asked by guitarusa2001 1

2006-10-25 13:04:57 · 19 answers · asked by Spence 1

2006-10-25 13:00:36 · 36 answers · asked by will 2

2006-10-25 12:55:15 · 20 answers · asked by sweet143 2

I work at a bar, and need to payback a customer- this has been going back and forth for years. Latest? He put a "I need a stiff one" bumper sticker on my vehicle- (I'm pretty close to the proverbial soccer mom) I need help topping this one, but I don't want to be mean, or do anything permanent, or anything that would hurt anyone- just good fun.

2006-10-25 12:49:10 · 12 answers · asked by swillt 1

2006-10-25 12:47:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I took them around to my friends. I ate one and then gave one third of remaining apples to my friend mike. Then I drove to Joes and ate two along the way and gave joe half of remaining apples. then I gave christy 10 of the remaining apples, then had one left that I ate. How many apples did I have to start with?

2006-10-25 12:45:37 · 6 answers · asked by Timothy D 1

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $18.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $18.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally... a smart blonde joke! Don't Ya Just Love It...

2006-10-25 12:42:36 · 20 answers · asked by ? 5

2006-10-25 12:41:15 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

cause the farmer was stuck up the chicken's bum

2006-10-25 12:38:38 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dozen Royals gathered round, Entertained by two who clowned.
Each King there had servants ten, Though none of them were also
men. The lowest servant sometimes might, Defeat the King in a
fair fight. A weapon stout, a priceless jewel, The beat of life,
a farmer's tool. What are we talking about?

What are we talking about?

2006-10-25 12:19:32 · 17 answers · asked by DY Beach 6

Could you post it for me?

2006-10-25 12:17:00 · 3 answers · asked by Shorty 4

Little Bobby (seven) was in love with Little Susie (same age) who lived next door.

One day, Bobby went to Susie's dad and announced (as seriously as he could), "I'm in love with Susie, and we're getting married".

Amused, Susie's dad started asking questions (in the hopes to discourage the idea).

Susie' dad: "Where will you live?"

Bobby: "Well, Susie has a playhouse in the back yard, so we're gonna live there."

Susie's dad: "How are you going to make money to support her?"

Bobby: "Well, Susie gets 75 cents a week, and I get $1.25 a week." "That should be more than enough!"

Seeing that Bobby was still serious, Susie's dad asked, "Well, what about children?"

Bobby perked up and quickly answered, "Oh, we have that figured out already. Whenever Susie lays an egg, I'm gonna stomp on it!"

2006-10-25 12:15:10 · 19 answers · asked by hugme 3

As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?"

"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?"

"Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"

2006-10-25 12:10:49 · 13 answers · asked by hugme 3

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the "statue." Not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue. "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

2006-10-25 12:07:32 · 15 answers · asked by Citizen 1

There's this woman and her husband's whose sex life wasn't doing that great. So she went to the doctor and the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and ordered her to put one pill into her husband's coffee every morning.

So the first morning she does as the doctor said and that night the sex was great, so the next day she decides to put two pills in and instantly the husband is horny.

Finally, on the third day she puts the whole bottle in and it's CRAZY, all day they just had sex.

A couple of days later the doctor called to see how everything was going and a little boy answered the phone. The doctor asked, "How's your daddy been?"

The boy answered, "Well, let's put it this way, my mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my a-$$ hurts, and my dad's on the front porch saying here Kitty Kitty Kitty"!!!

2006-10-25 12:05:31 · 13 answers · asked by hugme 3

What starts with a T,
has a T in the middle
and ends with a T????

2006-10-25 12:02:46 · 12 answers · asked by azizka93 3

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.

They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had.

He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.

A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"

2006-10-25 12:02:07 · 6 answers · asked by hugme 3

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

2006-10-25 12:00:55 · 11 answers · asked by hugme 3

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

2006-10-25 11:58:50 · 7 answers · asked by hugme 3

please share with me funny jokes and storie, some conntent my not be for mixed company or children.

2006-10-25 11:57:53 · 6 answers · asked by maticulously_happy 2

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

2006-10-25 11:53:06 · 7 answers · asked by hugme 3

A guy walked into a jewelry store with an insanely hot blonde, acting very intimate. They picked out the most expensive diamond ring in the store. Because the guy doesn't have enough cash and it was late Friday afternoon, the store let him put down a deposit and pick up the ring on Monday with the full amount.
Monday comes but the guy haven't show up, so the store manager call the guy.
Manager: Sir, can you come to our store today? or do you want to arrange it to pick it up on a different day?
The guy: Oh, I am not intended to buy that ring.
Manager: In that case, you will lose your $100 deposit.
The guy: Thats ok, it worth it for all the fun I had over the weekend.

2006-10-25 11:52:50 · 7 answers · asked by w 2

I have to be up in the morning, what could keep me, maybe a good..............

2006-10-25 11:47:43 · 21 answers · asked by mrs mac 3

Ugh. Hard Algebra Question.

"Two cyclists begin traveling in the same direction on the same bike path at the same time. One travels 20 mph and the other travels 14 mph. After how much time will the cyclists be 15 miles apart?

2006-10-25 11:45:44 · 11 answers · asked by Oops. 2

please post some funny, sad or down right weird things found in dear abby coloumns!

DEAR ABBY, I am a 87 yr old war veteran, I was wondering if its possible to get dandruff in your nose hair?-dandruff dan

Dear Dan, I ts only possible if you have been sniffing 'dandruff'.

2006-10-25 11:42:51 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous