Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

If you choke a smurf.....what colour do they turn?

2006-10-25 08:40:37 · 20 answers · asked by Coyote 3

There are three women standing in a group.
One is happy, the other two are sad. The happy one is crying, the sad two are smiling.....
...what's happened?

10 points to the first correct answer! I'm sure there will be many correct answers though.

2006-10-25 08:36:33 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Pamela♥ 7

Maybe i just mis-herd it.

2006-10-25 08:25:55 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married woman found a lamp and when she rubbed it a genie came out.the genie said to her " i am going to fulfill 3 wishes but whatever you ask for it will happen multiplied by 10 to your husband. so the woman said: i want to become very beautiful
the genie told her that then her husband would become extremely handsome and all the women would want him but the woman replied that it didnt matter so the genie made wish come true
for your second wish the woman asked that she wanted to become very very rich .Once again the genie told her that then her husband would become 10 times richer than her!the woman said that it didnt matter and the genie made her second wish come true and asked her what her last wish was
and the woman answered:"i want to have a very light heartattack"

2006-10-25 08:16:04 · 17 answers · asked by girl24gr 3

A young man is sitting at a bar when he see this older man wearing a huge oversize trenchcoat walk into the bar room, walks across the room and sits down at the stool next to him.

The old man reaches into one huge oversize pocket of his trenchcoat and pulls out a miniture baby grand piano.

He reaches into anothe huge oversize pocket of his trenchcoat and pulls out a man who's only one foot tall and sets him on top of the bar.

The one foot tall man proceeds to walk across the top of the bar, sits down at the piano and begins to play music.

The young man is amazed and says "That's incredible! Where did you ever get something like that."

The old guy says "Well I found this old lamp, turns out it's a magic lamp, there's a genie inside/"

The young guy says "That's so cool, can I try it?"

The old guy shrugs and says "Why not." So he reaches into yet another huge oversize pocket of his trenchcoat, pulls out this old battered lamp, holds it up and begins to say something.

But the younger man snatches the lamp out of his hands, rubs it, concentrates and says "I want a million buck, I want a million bucks."

Bam, a second later the bar is filled with a million ducks, they are up to their armpits in ducks"

"The younger man says, "Whoa whoa, what happened? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

The old guy says "Well, if you would have waited a second, I would have explained to you. It's an old lamp, it's an old genie, he's hard of hearing. You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

2006-10-25 08:13:18 · 18 answers · asked by SteveA8 6

People say that Toast always falls buttered side down, and cats always land on their feet.....so what happens when you stick toast Butter side up on a cat's back?

2006-10-25 08:11:46 · 31 answers · asked by Coyote 3

This girl in school today was talking to me... then i started talking alot... then she like... tried to put her hand over my mouth... then i licked it... she was like... *eww* in a playful way... then i licked her arm... it was fun. now i know what brand of soap that she uses.

2006-10-25 08:01:13 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!" The guy gets the room, but has nothing to ****. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just ***** the living **** out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.

Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!". The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?". The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?", The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy ******* a pigeon!"

2006-10-25 07:58:19 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

2006-10-25 07:55:03 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

2006-10-25 07:44:29 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know the answer just thought it was clever

2006-10-25 07:30:22 · 19 answers · asked by Geordie57 2

Ok funniest name always gets my 10 points follow directions and post your new name. thanks for playing along.

Yours truly...Crusty Stinker Head:)

http://www.wilk4.com/humor/humorm210.htm

2006-10-25 07:28:55 · 22 answers · asked by ? 6

These are some single syllable Rhymes..you have to put together the clue pharse into a two word answer example- informal conversation with a rodent = "rat chat"

"A dull sideways crustacean"

"A boy marine mammal"

"Gorilla's shoulder garment"

2006-10-25 07:24:40 · 5 answers · asked by elvisdan77 4

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.


You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.


Your twin sister forgets your birthday.


Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.


You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.


You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.


Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.


Your income tax refund check bounces.


The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.


You wake up and your braces are stuck together.


Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.


You put both contacts into the same eye.


Your mother approves of the person you're dating.


Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.


You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.


Nothing you own is actually paid for.


Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.


The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.


You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.


The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.


People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.


When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.


You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.


You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.


It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

2006-10-25 07:23:59 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:


Here honey, you use the remote.


You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.


Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!


While I'm up, can I get you anything?


Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?


Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?


Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.


Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.


We never talk anymore

2006-10-25 07:22:06 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

2006-10-25 07:19:40 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you lose sometimes, but you still have it with you?

2006-10-25 07:19:27 · 17 answers · asked by Soubi 1

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

2006-10-25 07:17:37 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Cowboy in Church

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly,

"Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

2006-10-25 07:14:58 · 17 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn''t such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, “Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That''s not enough”
So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, “Look, you''re a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.”

So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.

So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says “Free chips and dip” A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, “This tastes like ****.”

And the salesman replied, “Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

2006-10-25 07:14:42 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

2006-10-25 07:13:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The World's Hardest Riddle
They're not lying, this is hard.

i turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the riddle?

2006-10-25 07:12:23 · 13 answers · asked by wicked96ta 1

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He asked her why she was going.

She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."

He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.

His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"

"I''m going too!" he replied.

"Why?" she asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"

2006-10-25 07:11:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

i can see your quite good at guessing but do you know this one

Your kisses might be wetter
But your ni**a likes mine better
But I don't want him

2006-10-25 07:09:17 · 10 answers · asked by FlossyQ 2

A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a
little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds
to draw
three trees.
What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
>>The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to
hire this
Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but
represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you
go. One
hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree
and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd,
which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
------------------------------...
The Good Napkins

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions."

Now fast forward a few months .... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
------------------------------...
Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
------------------------------...
Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.




St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

2006-10-25 07:07:38 · 14 answers · asked by Addie [♦] 1

A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
The two Aussies just stare at him. l
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
----no offence meant to anyone----

2006-10-25 07:04:59 · 7 answers · asked by asdf 1

whats the difference between a prostitute and a crack dealer

2006-10-25 07:00:57 · 7 answers · asked by nuri b 1

Oh baby can't you see,
What you do to me?
Our love was meant to be,
You were meant for me

2006-10-25 07:00:51 · 11 answers · asked by FlossyQ 2

My vibrator,
which takes me to heaven,
rabbit be thy name,
Til kingdom come,
thou makest me come,
on earth with eyes on heaven.
Give me this day,
my daily thrill,
and forgive me my scerams,
as I forgive flat batteries.
Lead me not into temptation,
but deliver me from frustration.
For thine is the rotation,
the power and the buzzing,
for ever and ever,
No Men.

2006-10-25 06:58:07 · 16 answers · asked by Ali 3

there was this man and a wife getting ready to have sex and all of a sudden the wife says to her husband that she wants a candy bar from the store mind you they are bothe nude, so the husbad goes to the store nude and gets a candy bar and a bottle of water all of a sudden these three nuns come in to the store and the man thinks fast and stays till and acts like a vending machine all of a sudden the three nuns walk over to the machine ok, the first nun puts a quarter in his mouth yanks on his we we and gets a candy bar the second nun puts a quarter i his mouth yanks on his we we and gets the water the last nun put a quarter in his mouth yanks on his we we and gets nothin so she yanks and yanksand yanks and noticed a white cream and then she said to the other nuns look i got lotion and rubs her hands together ha ha

2006-10-25 06:56:01 · 15 answers · asked by nuri b 1