Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah, and Chickasha .

2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

6 You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

10. You measure distance in minutes. ("I'm about 5 minutes away.")

11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City."

12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.

13. Little smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.

14. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

17. Someone you know has used a football sche dule to plan their wedding date.

18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four- way stop, each determined! to be the most polite and let the other go first.

20. You know in which state "Miam-uh" is and in which state "Miam-ee" is.

21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.

22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.

23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.

24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.

25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

26. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin" to send them to your friends..

27. Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard this conversation:



"You wanna Coke?"

"Yeah."

"What kind?"

"Dr. Pepper."

2006-10-25 11:27:17 · 15 answers · asked by Barry DaLive 5

i have no idea my friend called me that and i dont know wat she said

2006-10-25 11:24:37 · 5 answers · asked by lisstte c 1

2006-10-25 11:23:59 · 32 answers · asked by baby carol 2

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15

years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he

finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed

and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed,

the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,

then gets up and goes into the bathroom.



While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his

clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a

woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't

resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no

matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very

dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.

Be strong, honey. I love you!"



His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was

whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks

you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the

bathroom.



Be strong honey. I love you, too.

2006-10-25 11:22:18 · 13 answers · asked by Barry DaLive 5

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "Youre beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband woke up and said, "Youre cute."

Startled, she asked him, "What happened to beautiful?"

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

2006-10-25 11:10:34 · 11 answers · asked by Reginald C 1

Never Tired, Never Still, moving quietly from hill to hill, does not run or even walk, life it gives sometimes it takes, when its hand is gone, you feel the chill that is left behind, What is it...?

2006-10-25 10:58:35 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young girl went to see the preist to confess ..

Girl: My boyfriend has done somthing very bad to me

Preist: What did he do?

Girl: Its hard to say

The preist made out with her.

Preist: Did Your boyfriend do this to you?

Girl: No

The Preist then molested her

Preist: Did he do this to you?

Girl: No

The Preist then made love to her.

Preist: Did he do this to you?

Girl: No

Preist: What exactly did your boyfreind do?

Girl: He gave me Aids.

The Preist fainted.

2006-10-25 10:57:06 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am not aloud to go trick or treating and we just moved in this new house that has a front bancony and i was wondering is it illegal to throw water balloons at trick or treaters haha.Thanks

2006-10-25 10:53:15 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

i belive i can fly
i got shot by the F.B.I
all i wanted was some chicken wings and a little bit of collard greens.
me and my friend don't no the rest

2006-10-25 10:52:08 · 8 answers · asked by BraceFace:) 1

2006-10-25 10:46:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place here they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as she's ask (thinking he's pretty wierd).The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he's been. The man replies, "I cannot tell a lie, my secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, then fell asleep. That's why I'm late!"
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains on your shoes, you've been playing golf again, haven't you!"

2006-10-25 10:44:55 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

After pursuing a girl all year, a boy finally caught her eye and he was asked to dinner with her parents and then a date to the movies afterwards.
He went to a drugstore to purchase condoms for the first time, in case things went quickly, but was a bit naive about just what to look for in quality. The pharmasist who worked there understood the boy's hesitation and took time to talk to him about the different kinds and brands of condoms. The boy gratefully left the store with his purchase.
That evening, the boy went to his date's house and, after being introduced to the parents, they sat down to pray before they ate. The boy bowed his head. His head stayed bowed as he sat in solemn silence for several minutes, until the girl poked him and whispered, "I didn't know you were so religious."
He replied, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmasist!"

2006-10-25 10:37:28 · 9 answers · asked by thezaylady 7

hopped up on to the stool looked at the bartender and said "I want to know who shot my paw"

2006-10-25 10:26:59 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old Dan Tucker was a merry old soul....with a buckskin belly.....
and a leather asshole.

2006-10-25 10:21:39 · 7 answers · asked by Kristie S 2

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the bottom and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke up his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she turned over and grabbed him by the p***s. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother." :)

2006-10-25 10:19:54 · 43 answers · asked by Anonymous

or do you think i should apply a brighter green eye shade to make me look more conservative ( remember i want to look conservative here) my man handsome gets too jealous if other guys look at me i don't want guys to go crazy over me thinkin im easy by the way do you guys know of any good tooth paste? for my sensitive teeth? my makeup is not a dead give away that im from a trailer park does it.....uuhhh its one upscale trailer park umhum real nice .... yup

2006-10-25 10:19:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Through her chest with a sharp knife!

2006-10-25 10:14:28 · 33 answers · asked by jabelite 3

2006-10-25 10:12:30 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

judy turns to mary and holding out a carrott she says," you know mary, this carrott reminds me of my husbands dick." " is it the lenght of it ?" asks mary. "no." says judy. " well is it the width of it ?" asks mary. "no," says judy, " its the bloody dirt of it."

2006-10-25 10:09:48 · 26 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

My zipper

2006-10-25 10:07:33 · 27 answers · asked by jabelite 3

its a nun doing press ups in a cucumber field.

2006-10-25 10:03:47 · 10 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands.

The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!"

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"

2006-10-25 10:01:30 · 8 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him a handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied..... "We just love the chocolate around them". :)

2006-10-25 09:57:20 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.
Opens window.
Asks directions from a knowledgeable police officer.
Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.
Pulls up to a 7 -11.
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer.

2006-10-25 09:54:32 · 6 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

i mean he treated heather mills so well. i heard last christmas he bought her a plane, and a ladyshave for her other leg.

2006-10-25 09:50:57 · 35 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his large **** wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat, would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job to satisfy my wife.

2006-10-25 09:27:24 · 16 answers · asked by Ally 5

Jennifer notes that her family members have varied occupations. Her cousin, aunt, uncle, mother, father, grandmother, and grandfather are employed as a barista (a person working behind a bar serving hot/cold drinks, a dairy farmer, a doctor, a mayor, a nurse, a postman and veterinarian. (Occupations are in alphabetical order.)

Some facts:
Jason is not really Jessica's father. The Mayor's husband is the postman. Hildegard runs the dairy farm. The cute barista is the niece of the doctor. The nurse is the daughter of the mayor and wife of the doctor. Jennifer's father is so afraid of dogs that he fiants if he sees one.

WHO DOES WHAT JOB??????

2006-10-25 09:08:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer: Christian Deeyore!

2006-10-25 08:59:35 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

On the way home from just picking her kindergarden daughter up from school, a tired mother asked

"how was school today honey?

and the daughter replied....

"good...We Learned How To Make Babies!!!" "DROP THE Y, AND ADD -IES!!!!



*for those of you who don't get it....(baby...Babies!) lol...

2006-10-25 08:55:11 · 15 answers · asked by * Sam * 1

Silk silk silk silk silk......What do cows drink?

2006-10-25 08:50:24 · 49 answers · asked by Coyote 3