Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has
happened.

First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent
it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Seamus O'Reilly
from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning."


Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his photo taken."

2006-10-25 06:47:55 · 26 answers · asked by Alicat 6

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, wanted to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her
hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

2006-10-25 06:47:01 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars
are totally demolished, but amazingly enough, neither one of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man,
that's interesting. Wow! Just look at our cars. And we're okay! This must be a sign from God that we should
meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely!" The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My
car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune." then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in
agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands
it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it
back and says "no thanks, I think I'll wait for the police."

2006-10-25 06:44:59 · 14 answers · asked by kisme86 3

there was this man and this woman right, they been together for about 20 years and they were happily married and so one night they were having some great sex with the lights turned off and so all of a sudden the wife got curiouse as to why that was always happening so she stopped it and turned the lights on to find the guy using a dildo and a vibrator and the she asked him how long he has been using that then he answered with a ill tell you how long ive been using this if you tell me whos kids thoes are?

2006-10-25 06:41:13 · 8 answers · asked by nuri b 1

A fiftyish woman was at home, happily jumping on her bed and
> >> squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and then
> >> he asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What is the
> >> matter with you?" The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said,
> >> "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor
> >> says that I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." The husband said,
> > "What did he say about your 55 year old ar$e?" "Your name never came
>up,"
> >> she replied.

2006-10-25 06:37:09 · 26 answers · asked by Alicat 6

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
> >> While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the
> >> husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury
> >> her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and
> >> told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked,
> > "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be
> >> wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man
> >> replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
> >> later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

2006-10-25 06:35:12 · 17 answers · asked by Alicat 6

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEDw75rnphM&search=ghost%20car?

2006-10-25 06:34:31 · 14 answers · asked by kendra dowson 2

The train was quite crowded, so the U. S Marine walked its entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out the window."

2006-10-25 06:33:41 · 8 answers · asked by L!LO 4

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
>////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
>My tire was thumping.
>
>I thought it was flat
>
>When I looked at the tire...
>
>I noticed your cat.
>
>Sorry!
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Heard your wife left you,
>
>How upset you must be.
>
>But don't fret about it...
>
>She moved in with me.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Looking back over the years
>
>that we've been together,
>
>I can't help but wonder...
>
>"What the hell was I thinking?"
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Congratulations on your wedding day!
>
>Too bad no one likes your husband.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>How could two people as beautiful as you
>
>Have such an ugly baby?
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>I've always wanted to have
>
>someone to hold,
>
>someone to love.
>
>After having met you ..
>
>I've changed my mind.
>
>--------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>
>Imust admit, you brought Religion into my life.
>
>I never believed in Hell until I met you.
>
>//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
>
>As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
>
>That you're not here to ruin it for me.
>
>####################################################
>
>Congratulations on your promotion.
>
>Before you go..
>
>Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
>
>You'll probably need it again.
>
>********************************************************************************
>
>Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
>
>(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>H appy birthday! You look great for your age.
>
>Almost Lifelike!
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>When we were together,
>
>you always said you'd die for me.
>
>Now that we've broken up,
>
>I think it's time you kept your promise.
>
>//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
>
>We have been friends for a very long time .
>
>let's say we stop?
>
>+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
>I'm so miserable without you
>
>it's almost like you're here.
>
>=====================================================
>
>Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
>
>Did you ever find out who the father was?
>
>%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
>
>Your friends and I wanted to do
>
>something special for your birthday.
>
>So we're having you put to sleep.
>
>))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
>
>So your daughter's a hooker,
>
>and it spoiled your day.
>
>Look at the bright side,
>
>it's really good pay.
>
>

2006-10-25 06:30:28 · 25 answers · asked by Alicat 6

They both get into the groove.

Anyone who doesnt get it isn't old enough, or isn't a Madonnas' music fan.

2006-10-25 06:25:56 · 15 answers · asked by Ali 3

..and then comes a drunken man driving against traffic and rams into the woman's car...who is responsible for the accident?


answer in a few if no one answers right.

2006-10-25 06:21:07 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

She goes into Walmart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.
The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!" ---

Her money was refunded ...............

2006-10-25 06:16:59 · 14 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-10-25 06:13:09 · 31 answers · asked by atpctj 1

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

2006-10-25 06:11:08 · 19 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

roster I think is spelled wrong but I am talking about the bird that crows in the morning.

2006-10-25 06:07:19 · 10 answers · asked by milky 4

2006-10-25 06:02:57 · 18 answers · asked by Timothy D 1

jokes?
or comic websites?
if so ,tell me
your friend
FETCH!

2006-10-25 05:45:36 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

2006-10-25 05:27:12 · 12 answers · asked by The Mystic One 4

How many hamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

...2...but they have to be very small.

2006-10-25 05:09:18 · 27 answers · asked by jake_cocktail 1

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (ML) and the Other one is known as Sister logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, No! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course its not working. The man did only the logical thing. He started to walk faster
Too.

SM: So, What shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is to split up. You go that way and I will go this way.

He Can not follow us both.

2006-10-25 05:08:20 · 19 answers · asked by ||| Romeo Boy ||| 4

first right answer is best answer

2006-10-25 05:07:33 · 11 answers · asked by I love dooneys 6

Category 1 - Youngster/Rascal Stage:
Oldest thing I can remember, I was about four or five. As my mother & I were at a Sears store. She was looking for a new freezer. While she was looking at models & prices, I had to go to the restroom! While she was still looking, I used a comode, that was for sale! Believe it or not I was not caught!
Prank 2: I was less than a year from school. I overheard long & loud laughter. So I decided to listen. One story I heard was that someone put an egg in someone else's shoe. Later, that same night, I woke up & had to use the restroom. While up, I decided to "steal an egg" & try the stunt I heard just hours earlier. I put an egg in a brother-in-law's boots. Reason? They were first in sight & I knew the egg was well hid! He did not put the boots on for six months, atleast! When he did, he asked everyone, except me, because I am the youngest of the family. A month later, I admitted & he cracked an egg over my head. I was called "Egghead"! about a month.

2006-10-25 05:02:26 · 3 answers · asked by Math_Maestro 7

You're driving down a highway with no street signs and no directions and you come to a fork in the road where two guys are standing. You need to get to a motel. Here's what you know for sure:

1. Only one of the two roads leads to the motel.
2. Both guys know which road leads to the motel.
3. One of the two guys will ALWAYS tell you the truth.
4. One of the two guys will ALWAYS tell you a lie.
5. You do not know which guy is which (always lies or tells the truth).

You are only allowed one question to ask one guy. But remember, you do not know if he will be honest or not.

What question would you ask, and why?

2006-10-25 04:53:38 · 13 answers · asked by slurpeeman19 2

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

2006-10-25 04:50:18 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man's perogative

"I never quite figured out why the s3xual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting
into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled
look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do
for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said,
"That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing s3xual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this
look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me
for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having s3x tonight either....but at least that b*t*h
knows I'm smarter than her.

2006-10-25 04:45:41 · 21 answers · asked by lost_rabbit 2

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from
boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"

2006-10-25 04:44:38 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Martha's way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

Martha's way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

Martha's way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad.
My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

2006-10-25 04:40:59 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An emergency call from a Miss Roberts reports, "Help, we need an ambulence. There's been an accident off of I-40." The ambulence and cops arrive on the scene just seconds later. In amazement they stumble out of their cars to see that the car has blown up and there is debris and fire everywhere. Officer Billings immediately calls it in.
In the middle of the call-in a man comes struggling out of the mess.
Officer Billings immediately perpares to fire. Raising his arms in surrender he yells, "No, don't shoot!" At that remark, Officer Billings Fires and kills the man. Why?

2006-10-25 04:40:39 · 14 answers · asked by zrose86 2

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

2006-10-25 04:39:05 · 11 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Bono was on stage and half way through the gig he went silent, the band went silent and the crowd then went silent. After a few seconds, he started clapping his hands with a 3 second gap between each clap. This went on for a short time and then he started to talk. "Every time I clap my hands (clap), a child in Africa dies (clap)". So someone from the crowd shouted....

"Well, foockin' stop it then!"

2006-10-25 04:27:49 · 15 answers · asked by monty_4_wayland 1