Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

He has a sister Debbie who is 11 years old. One day Johnny says to his mum " Mummy, Debbie has started her periods" Mum replies, "How do you know that?"
Johnny answers "Because Dads co*k tastes of blood"

2006-10-25 00:08:47 · 21 answers · asked by EWE ANCHOR 3

i was just talking to my friend online and he needs a name for his band, some one suggested to him he calls the band 'exit', he asked him why, and he said 'well, everywhere you go your bands name will be up in lights'!

2006-10-25 00:06:06 · 9 answers · asked by carlaroberts18 3

Or a riddle will do as well if you have one. Or both if you'd like to do that too.
I don't mind the sexual nature but please keep the foul language out of it.

2006-10-24 23:55:46 · 3 answers · asked by helpme1 5

2006-10-24 23:53:18 · 10 answers · asked by rohit 1

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think"

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny; "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

2006-10-24 23:50:02 · 21 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

2006-10-24 23:39:46 · 19 answers · asked by wayne t 1

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went

2006-10-24 23:22:34 · 28 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

what lies in bed & stand in bed
First green;then red
the plumber it gets
the more the old woman loves it?

2006-10-24 23:01:56 · 14 answers · asked by lynyan 1

what can run but never walks
has a mouth but never talks
has a bed but never sleeps
has a head but never weeps

2006-10-24 22:53:19 · 13 answers · asked by lynyan 1

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please".

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5,000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, "That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shop keeper, "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java,

2006-10-24 22:43:49 · 10 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

Mr. Abdullah, an elderly Iraqi man lives in New York & reads his son’s e-mail currently studying in Paris.
‘Dear Father,
I hope you are well.
Love,
You son Ahmed’

And sends him this reply
“Dear Ahmed,
All is well here but my back hurts & I hate not being able to attend to my garden and plant potatoes’
Love,
Your father

Instantly he gets this response from his son:

‘Dear Father,
DO NOT TOUCH THE GARDEN, I HAVE THINGS THERE YOU DO NOT WANNA MESS WITH.
Love,
You son Ahmed’

In 15 minutes FBI, NSA, the National Guard, FDYN, NYPD and many others are digging the garden. In thirty five minutes they are gone empty handed when Mr. Abdullah gets a new e-mail from his son

‘Dear Father,
It was the best thing I could do for you from so far away,
Enjoy planting.
Love,
Ahmed.

2006-10-24 22:27:25 · 28 answers · asked by marissa 4

Fred & Mary use a code for s3x
The word is "Washing Machine"
That night in bed Fred whispers to Mary "Washing Machine"
Mary says "Not tonight dear I'm very tired.
10 minutes later she feels guilty and says "Washing Machine". "Too late," says Fred it was only a small load so I did it by hand."

2006-10-24 22:24:44 · 17 answers · asked by Liane H 4

Top Ten Excuses for falling asleep at work ^_^

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"Amen"

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

2006-10-24 22:16:41 · 14 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

A dog goes into a hardware store and says,
"I'd like a job please". The shop owner says,
"We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
the circus?" The dog replies: "What would
the circus want with a plumber".

2006-10-24 22:03:58 · 32 answers · asked by mandy 3

wife-(to her servent)remove my jeans.
wife-remove my top
wife-remove my bra.
wife remove my panties
wife- and dont wear my clothes from next time

2006-10-24 22:03:15 · 23 answers · asked by hot_riki 1

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee so badly that they stopped in a cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing rather expensive new panties and didn't want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave and proceeded to use a wreath with a ribbon on it. . When finished, they headed for home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over so he phoned the other husband and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties on!!
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that said.......... "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION. WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!"

2006-10-24 21:56:41 · 27 answers · asked by Liane H 4

A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants, "she said. "That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family. With that she flipped him her panties and said' "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your f***ing attitude changes!"

2006-10-24 21:51:38 · 31 answers · asked by Liane H 4

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
only one little thing bothering me ... It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down
when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her
private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was
near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered
to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once Before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last
wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test..... We couldn't ask
for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your Car.

2006-10-24 21:38:46 · 24 answers · asked by lost_rabbit 2

he waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently."What the hell do you think you're doing?" she screams. One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, "Well, it says on the menu, First come, First served!"

2006-10-24 21:12:04 · 24 answers · asked by billywhizzzzzzzzzzzzzz 1

2006-10-24 21:10:37 · 11 answers · asked by sweety... 1

2006-10-24 21:09:29 · 18 answers · asked by sweety... 1

Type... THREE with just 3letters...

2006-10-24 21:04:35 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

I heard this joke from my pastor a while back and just recently found it on the Internet:

A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.

"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

2006-10-24 20:42:35 · 17 answers · asked by FireKracker187 2

2006-10-24 20:31:28 · 15 answers · asked by FireKracker187 2

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!?" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-a***s downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once...I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!

2006-10-24 20:29:18 · 24 answers · asked by Liane H 4

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked,"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, Are you nuts"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars But Realistically, we're living with two s l u t s and a Queer."

2006-10-24 20:13:01 · 21 answers · asked by Liane H 4

Getting some halloween ideas, I have seen many on the internet ,but they are way to long .. do you have any originals that you can come up with?

2006-10-24 19:53:16 · 8 answers · asked by Swtnis 5

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're p***ed!!

2006-10-24 19:50:21 · 23 answers · asked by Liane H 4

2006-10-24 19:33:06 · 14 answers · asked by wayne 1

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

Sol is the name for our sun, a star. So what comes after it?
A: La, a note to follow sol!

Heheh. And here is today's riddle:

Can blame the mountain for the earthquake?

Good luck! :)

2006-10-24 19:29:35 · 12 answers · asked by iamigloo 6