Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

What room has no floor and roof?

2006-10-24 19:26:22 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have half a joke in my head, help me fill in the missing bits please.

Ok, it was something about a man who fell off a cliff and was hanging from a branch and he shouted up to God to help him... It's not one of those "Why didn't you help me?/What do you mean? I sent you a helicopter etc..." jokes, but I can't remember the rest!

As usual, full marks to the one who solves this for me...

2006-10-24 19:16:23 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.

His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar than he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The chain-smoker looked at it and paused.

The homosexual saw what he was thinking and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

2006-10-24 19:05:27 · 31 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

2006-10-24 19:04:00 · 20 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

I am an essential part of magic
I am the healer that doesn't move
yet, in motion, I carry a hidden trap
and for the audience, I tell the story
Who am I

2006-10-24 19:00:26 · 14 answers · asked by Lord L 4

Let's say the seat was released at a speed of 1 3/8 mph.

2006-10-24 18:46:56 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

2006-10-24 18:45:45 · 10 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

2006-10-24 18:44:18 · 15 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

A blonde was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it over
to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing, I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss, who was also blonde, saw it on her desk. "What's that?" she asked.

"Why, that's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"

"Two popsicles and some coffee."

2006-10-24 18:29:41 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a bus full of 30 ugly people, and it crashed and the all died instantly.

They all went to heaven where God felt sorry for them because they were SOOO ugly, so he decided to grant them one wish each. So they were put in a line for their wish.

They first person in line wished to be the most gorgeous person ever, and the person behind her wished to be gorgeous too, and so it went on and on.

When the got about half way down the line the person in the back of the line started chuckleing, then there were only a few people left and he strated laughing hystrically!

Then when it came his turn it took him 10 minutes to stop laughing, every time he would almost stop, he would start again.

He FINALLY stopped laughing, and was able to get his wish in.

He told God "Make them all ugly again!"

2006-10-24 18:28:20 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Good old outhouse humor for those of us old enough to remember
Outhouses.
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, you need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is; now git out there and fix it."
So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells
Back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole then starts yelling,
"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it?!"

2006-10-24 18:23:59 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this.
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."

2006-10-24 18:21:38 · 14 answers · asked by Pd 6

Its the begining of a Funny Epitaph...

Here Lies the Bones Of Joey Jones..

2006-10-24 18:18:18 · 9 answers · asked by Swtnis 5

???

2006-10-24 18:07:20 · 15 answers · asked by tazspeedyblue 1

"Let us assume," said the professor, "that you are aboard a small craft alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several thousand sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid any problem?"

"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction," stated the brunettet.

"I would pass them, trusting my knife and a bottle of mace to keep me safe," responded the redhead.

"Frankly" murmured the blonde, "I understand the situation, but I fail to see the problem."

2006-10-24 17:57:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am small, i stay at one corner but still travel around the world? Who am i?

Well like always is a simple question. I hope you guys wil be able to answer it. Good luck.

Peace'

2006-10-24 17:55:30 · 9 answers · asked by rdx 2

Pete and Paul are twin brothers, but one of them always lies. But no one knows which one lies. The other twin ALWAYS tells the truth though. One day I ask one of them
"is Paul the one that lies?"
"yes" was his answer
DidI speack to Pete or Paul. Think about it

2006-10-24 17:54:12 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am trying to find one I haven't heard....thank you all in advance!!!

2006-10-24 17:48:16 · 18 answers · asked by })i({ J and D's Momma })i({ 5

...will it give me a stiff neck?

2006-10-24 17:47:46 · 12 answers · asked by I'm Still Here 5

Whoever gives me the funniest answer to this question will get the coveted ten points for "Best Answer."

Have at it!

2006-10-24 17:39:27 · 20 answers · asked by I'm Still Here 5

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch a-s-s should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

2006-10-24 17:36:47 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

a doctor is trying give me an injection....and they want me to open my diaper.... what should i do???

2006-10-24 17:35:37 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A preacher and an attorney arrived at the Pearly Gates at the same time, and St. Peter showed them to their quarters.

The preacher was taken to a small room with nothing but a chair, a table, and a Bible.

The lawyer was then led to a massive suite filled with women, wine, and a huge waterbed.

"Excuse me," said the lawyer to St. Peter. "I'm not complaining, but shouldn't the preacher have this room?"

St. Peter shook his head. "We have thousands of preachers in heaven, but you're our first lawyer."

2006-10-24 17:33:47 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-24 17:33:06 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

so broke that when she goes into a 99 cent store... she uses coupons.

2006-10-24 17:29:02 · 8 answers · asked by whoremonger 1

2006-10-24 17:27:46 · 5 answers · asked by DetailSpaz 3

AS you are sitting here in frount of your computer you stretch your neck UP as far as you can and SPELL out the following, ...."I MET " what happens??? It's best if you spell this out loud this aloud.

2006-10-24 17:20:21 · 11 answers · asked by Thankyou4givengmeaheadache 5

Seagulls type on the computer ever since I soaked it in fish,
The trees attack me as I pass them
The president called me for a booty call but I said no
Hitler built a time traveling macine and has had a sex change
The T.V. runs off of your thoughts
TeleTubbies kill
Elmo's got a gun
Emokids just want acceptance
Tatoos eat flesh
Type type type
No sleep for me
What is the answer???

2006-10-24 17:20:02 · 6 answers · asked by Timothy C 5

Name five days of the week without saying: Monday,Tuesday,Wednesday,Thursday and Friday.

2006-10-24 17:15:13 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mine is Clay Aiken

2006-10-24 17:05:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous