Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

1. how many *fill in the blank* does it take to eat a fancy diner?
also, laugh at these:
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition -- lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.

Witnesses later described the scene of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
Also, fun bumper stickers
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.

Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Enjoy

2006-10-24 11:06:22 · 10 answers · asked by ichigo_li2 3

TEEF
TEEF

2006-10-24 11:04:05 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What's the difference between a dead lawer in the middle of the road and a dead rattlesnake in the middle of the road?
A: There is skid marks before the snake

2006-10-24 11:03:11 · 12 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

Jim and Joe were fighting, so their mother punished them by making both stand on the same sheet of yesterday's newspaper until they were ready to make up. She did it in such a way that neither boy could touch the other. How did she manage this?

2006-10-24 11:01:53 · 10 answers · asked by funkbomber 2

Yo' mama so ugly, her imaginary friend played with other kids!

2006-10-24 10:59:01 · 16 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

as they started to walk under a bridge paddy turns to murphy and said " a murph it's dark down here "
Murphy replies " i don't know i can't see"

2006-10-24 10:58:32 · 17 answers · asked by FRANCIS247 2

I was on the bus the other day and a lady was crying her eyes out, she was holding a tiny baby. I asked her why she was crying and she said that the man who had just got off the bus had said she had an ugly baby. Being the good citizen that I am I said to her... "You go and smack that son of a *****... go on, I'll hold your piglet for you."

2006-10-24 10:54:54 · 8 answers · asked by dobbinesque 2

2006-10-24 10:50:09 · 3 answers · asked by dishwasher67 6

How quickly can you find out what is unusual about this paragraph? It looks so ordinary that you would think nothing is wrong with it at all-and, in fact, nothing is. But it is a bit odd. Why? If you study it and think about it, you may find out, but I won't help you in any way. You must do it without coaching. No doubt, if you work at it for long, it will dawn on you. Who knows?

2006-10-24 10:44:10 · 11 answers · asked by funkbomber 2

Chelsea had some chocolate milk
but spilled it on her shirt.
Jackson got his jacket ripped
while rolling in the dirt.

Emily and Isabella
must have had a fight.
Alexander looks as if
he stayed awake all night.

Abigail is absent,
as are Ryan, Ross, and Ruth.
Max is in pajamas,
and Mackenzie lost a tooth.

Brandon broke his glasses.
Sarah’s sweater doesn’t fit.
Jacob has a bloody nose,
and Zoe has a zit.

We should all be crabby,
but we’re smiling anyway.
Our moms and dads are gonna scream—
today is picture day!

2006-10-24 10:41:03 · 7 answers · asked by Dharshi 2

this man walks into this bar that hes been going to for a while and this same girl is always his bartender and he always orders 6 shots after a little while the bartender asks him why he orders 6 shots he replies:1 is for me and the other ones are for my brothers (so you all know he drinks the shots) and one day he comes in and he only orders 5 shot so the bartender says :i'm so sorry for you're loss and he says:what do you mean and she says:you're only ordering 5 shots so assume one of you're brothers died and he says::ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh noooooooooooooo i quit drinking

2006-10-24 10:36:38 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple goes to a movie. During the film, the husband strangles the wife. No one notices, and he's able to get her body back home without attracting attention. How did he do this?

2006-10-24 10:36:11 · 11 answers · asked by funkbomber 2

After no dates or sex for 5 years a woman goes 2 see a chinese sex therapist Dr Chang....He says " take off all your clothes ,get down and crawl reery reery fast to otha side of room"....she does...."ok craw back reery reey fast bac "....As she did this Dr Chang shook his head "your problem very very bad,worse case of Ed Zachery disease i have ever seen,i see why you get no dates"....She says "oh no whats Ed Zachery disease"....Dr Chang replies " its when your face looks Ed Zachery like your backside"

2006-10-24 10:35:19 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer. Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds? A: The bonds mature. Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg? A: They won't stop to ask directions. Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A Widow Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A: They are married. Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A: We don't know; it has never happened.

2006-10-24 10:31:16 · 13 answers · asked by arfa54321 5

A little boy got on a bus and sat in the seat right next to the bus driver and told him in his loudest and most annoying voice "IF MY MOM WAS A LADY CAT AND MY DAD WAS A BOY CAT I WOULD BE A KITTEN!" and so he would continue with "IF MY MOM WAS A LADY DOGGIE AND MY DAD WAS A BOY DOGGIE I WOULD BE A PUPPIE" so the bus driver gets fed up and yells at the kid "OH YEAH? WHAT WOULD YOU BE IF YOUR DAD WAS A DRUNK AND YOUR MOM WAS A PROSTITUTE?" the kid smiles and says " a busdriver..."

2006-10-24 10:29:24 · 11 answers · asked by funkymunkee45 1

3 men in a sauna,hear a bleeping sound....The American pressed his arm & the bleep stopped.'That was my pager,i have a mircochip in my arm'.......Phone rings,Japanese man puts palm to his ear....'That was my mobile(cell phone),i have a mircochip in hand'......Irishman not to be outdone,went to the toilet,came back with tiolet paper hanging from his a**e.....The others stared at him...."Bejasus,will ya look at that....i'm getting a fax!"

2006-10-24 10:17:12 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

This poem called" GET OUT OF BED"

Get out of bed, you silly fool!
Get up right now, it’s time for school.
If you don’t dress without a fuss,
I’ll throw you naked on the bus!"

"Oh, Mom, don’t make me go today.
I’m feeling worse than yesterday.
You don’t know what I’m going through.
I’ve got a strange, rare case of flu.

"My body aches, my throat is sore.
I’m sure I’m knocking on death’s door.
You can’t send me to school—achoo!—
’Cause everyone could get it, too.

"Besides, the kids despise me there.
They always tease and always stare.
And all the teachers know my name.
When something’s wrong, it’s me they blame."

"You faked a headache yesterday.
Don’t pull that stuff on me today.
Stop acting like a silly fool—
The principal cannot skip school!"

2006-10-24 10:14:02 · 14 answers · asked by Dharshi 2

Hint. The answer is 15 letters long (4 words).
I am also looking for other short joke with punchlines that are exactly 15 letters long to use in a crossword puzzle.

2006-10-24 10:08:19 · 5 answers · asked by 飞行高 3

10: Awww...that's cute 9. Well, at least you're good at other things 8. Do you think it'll fit my gi jane clothes? 7. My li'l brother has one like that. 6. Are you cold? 5. ::giggles:: 4. Maybe we should just be friends 3. Can you make it dance? 2. Umm...maybe you should get dressed 1. Oh...look...its hiding!

2006-10-24 10:03:42 · 16 answers · asked by arfa54321 5

Words for thought, maybe? Tidbits? Quirks? Somebody please help me out there!!!

2006-10-24 10:00:39 · 7 answers · asked by Rikki D 1

2006-10-24 09:57:34 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can someone tell me why I offended an old lady on sunday.
We saw a dog licking its bottom and tongue tied for something to say, she said " I wish I could do that" and I said "well, give it a biscuit and it might let you". She walked away... why/

2006-10-24 09:53:21 · 6 answers · asked by dobbinesque 2

If you had sex 365 times in 12 months and then melted down all the condoms and made a tyre,,WHAT WOULD YOU CALL IT...










A Goodyear........boom boom

2006-10-24 09:42:14 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I can run but never walk?
I have a mouth but never talk?
I have a bed but never sleep?
I have a head but never weep?

2006-10-24 09:39:23 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need jokes or riddles that are appropriate for a class room! Please make sure there funnyy!!

2006-10-24 09:27:26 · 6 answers · asked by chargirl. 1

2006-10-24 09:26:45 · 9 answers · asked by buggy 2

My favorite word brgins with "f" and ends with "u-c-k" my favorite word is firetruck what did you think i was going to say?

2006-10-24 09:25:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cow with no lips!

2006-10-24 09:22:04 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok there was a mummy and a daddy and a 5 year old boy and he want to go in his room to watch tv and him mom was naked in her room since the boy was to small and his daddy was gone he walked into her room and saw her he said mommy whats that pointing at her virgina and she said its my donut well a couple days L8ter he wanted to watch tv agian but his mommy wasnt there and his daddy was getting ready to take a shower and he was naked so the little boy walked in and saw his daddy and asked him what that was and he was pointing to his penis and daddy said thats my sausge and the little boy said ok anothe couple days L8ter he was in bed but he couldnt sleep because his mom was screaming so he came out and his mommy and daddy didnt have the blanket on them so he said i cant sleep mommy your to loud and daddy why is your sausge in mommys dounut he asked and they sad they were just fooling around! lol lol

2006-10-24 09:11:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok so i have this homework..well its just for fun but we get a reward if we get them all right..its a candy quiz and what you do is you get a clue and you have to give thecandy that goes with the clue..i only have a couple more left and i need your help..its kinda fun
heres some examples to get you started
1) a famous swashbuckling trio of old - 3 muskateers
2)galaxy- milky way
3)children of the cane- sugar babies
4)nut happiness- almond joy
i think thats enough so you get the point

the ones i need help with are..
1)Quick stop
2)makes mouth happy
3)melts in you mouth, not in your hand
4)a fruity Jackson and Eisenhower
5) They want revenge

i hope you can help and answer at least one
10 points for the first one to get them all of the one who gets the most!
thanks [=

2006-10-24 09:07:23 · 13 answers · asked by Manda 2