Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

He doesn't like looking down on the unemployed.

2006-10-24 06:26:17 · 15 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

1. What's the opposite of opposite?

2. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of it's bottle?

3. Do judges and lawyers still have jury duty?

4. If a doctor suddenly stops breathing while performing surgery, what do the other doctors do? Help the doctor or help the patient?

5. If you're on an American airline, and you land in Canada, but STAY on the plane, is the drinking age 21 or 19?

2006-10-24 06:22:59 · 4 answers · asked by Em 2

2006-10-24 06:20:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sir it is time to "give your heart to Jesus" caused the Feds got yo (a)ss.

2006-10-24 06:08:16 · 10 answers · asked by barrettins 3

2006-10-24 06:03:13 · 1 answers · asked by sloppy chops 3

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS
agent and his Lawyer to come to his home. When they
arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they
entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and
motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The
preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled
and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and
Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher
would ask them to be with him during his final moment.
They were also puzzled because the preacher had never
given any indication that he particularly liked either one
of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you
ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said
weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I
want to go, too."

2006-10-24 05:49:25 · 17 answers · asked by Nunya M 4

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
_

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
_
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
_

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal". The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins!! If you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal."

2006-10-24 05:39:37 · 4 answers · asked by Nunya M 4

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer day they noticed a girl who was also at the beach nearly every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be and exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple more weeks of watching this the wife asked her husband, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off withour a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met hes wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not" He said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes", he replied. "She sells C cells by the seashore."

2006-10-24 05:31:45 · 17 answers · asked by Nunya M 4

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a
noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"

"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk; he isn’t going to notice
you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful
than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice.
Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers
over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.

"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of
the bed!"

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them
again."

The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, and
four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"

2006-10-24 05:31:25 · 16 answers · asked by Citizen 1

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index,
2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch
of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell
one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who
was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those
people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That
is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it.

2006-10-24 05:29:30 · 29 answers · asked by keylow01 1

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll
have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen
the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful
breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a
hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the
difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

2006-10-24 05:24:52 · 18 answers · asked by Citizen 1

2006-10-24 05:19:29 · 4 answers · asked by KEVIN K 1

A boy was teaching girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition."
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's
subtraction."
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication."
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

2006-10-24 05:19:05 · 15 answers · asked by Citizen 1

he thought he would look hard

2006-10-24 05:18:45 · 13 answers · asked by keylow01 1

I'll start: Why does California have the most lawyers and Texas have the most Rattlesnakes?

Texas got first pick.

2006-10-24 05:16:48 · 5 answers · asked by LoneStar 6

they say the man was a hardened criminal

2006-10-24 05:15:43 · 22 answers · asked by keylow01 1

any jokes. i need a laugh right now. ;)

2006-10-24 05:08:30 · 14 answers · asked by Chloe C 2

a licker cabinet

2006-10-24 05:08:22 · 32 answers · asked by keylow 2

they both irritate bush

2006-10-24 05:03:31 · 28 answers · asked by keylow 2

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man.

"How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

2006-10-24 05:01:09 · 25 answers · asked by Citizen 1

its in a trivia book. help

2006-10-24 04:57:35 · 17 answers · asked by Chloe C 2

when the big hand touches the little hand

2006-10-24 04:56:53 · 21 answers · asked by keylow 2

riddles

2006-10-24 04:56:44 · 26 answers · asked by KEVIN K 1

they both ebter kids rooms at night and leave wiv empty sacks.

2006-10-24 04:50:20 · 26 answers · asked by keylow 2

a trifle or a rucksack?

2006-10-24 04:49:58 · 20 answers · asked by markhatter 6

A teacher tells her class she would like each of them to make a rhyme using their name. A little girl puts up her hand, the teacher asks her to stand and say her rhyme.
'My names Amy, I want to have a baby.'
The teacher tells her very good, she can sit down. Another hand is raised.
'My names Proctor I want to be then Doctor to deliver Amys Baby.'
The teahcer is very impressed and asks if anyone would like to add some more. Another little boy stands up.
'My names tucker....'
To which the teacher quickly replies 'SIT DOWN TUCKER'

2006-10-24 04:48:45 · 20 answers · asked by missy2240 1

The teacher told the students that they were going to play a game.
I've got something behind my back and I'm going to describe it and you guess what it is, she said.
I'm holding something round and red. Can someone guess?
An apple, liitle Herbie said.
No, said the teacher, but it shows you were thinking. It's a cherry. Now I'm holding something round and orange. Can you tell me what it is?
An orange, little Herbie said.
No, said the teacher, but it shows you were thinking. It's a peach.
Herbie raised his hand. Teacher, can I play the game too?
The teacher said yes, and Herbie went to the back of the room, faced the rear and said, Teacher, I'm holding something about two inches long with a red tip.
The teacher said, Herbie!!
No, said little Herbie, but it shows you were thinking. It's a match.

2006-10-24 04:45:57 · 18 answers · asked by hazelshine 4

An older Jewish man marries a younger woman.

After several months, the young woman complains that she had never climaxed during sex and by birthright, all Jewish women are entitled to at least one climax during sex.

So they went to see the rabbi.

The rabbi tells them to get a strong, virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex. This, the rabbi says, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple tries it.

After several attempts, still no climax.

They go back to the rabbi. The rabbi says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel.

They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming earsplitting climaxes, one after the other.

When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says,
"You see, schmuck, THAT's how you wave a towel

2006-10-24 04:43:24 · 23 answers · asked by lost_rabbit 2

An octopus walks intoa bar and says ' I bet I can play any instrument you give me'
The barman gives him a guitar.. the octopus plays like Jimmy Hendrix....
Next the barman gives him a piano... the octopus plays it just like Elton John...
Jock then gives him a set of bagpipes....'can ye nae play it'? says Jock...
'Play it'?.. says the octopus, i'm gonna shag it once i've gettin it's f**kin pyjamas off!!!!!!

2006-10-24 04:42:54 · 23 answers · asked by ♥ 5

the wheelchair :)

2006-10-24 04:38:56 · 18 answers · asked by keylow 2