Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to
the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think
I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girlthe very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh,
I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting
next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I
was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best
of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast. He gently
pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay. How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could
you tell?'
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.


"I was behind you in the line at McDonald's."

2006-10-24 09:05:08 · 36 answers · asked by lost_rabbit 2

a man talking to his doctor: Doctor evry night i have the same nightmare.A crazy man is chasing to kill me and i run to get away from him and i come in front of a door with a sign on it and i push it again and again but the door doesnt open and the crazy man kills me
doctor:and what does the sign on the door say?
man: PULL

2006-10-24 08:55:15 · 20 answers · asked by girl24gr 3

a man talking to his wife: what do you think the neighboors will say if i stand on the balcony completely naked?
and she replies: that i married you for your money!

2006-10-24 08:37:04 · 10 answers · asked by girl24gr 3

Do you remember any funny phrases people always said in high school? ex. eat my shorts, smell ya, etc..

2006-10-24 08:33:04 · 10 answers · asked by jumanji 2

The answer is...








































































Aunt.

2006-10-24 08:16:15 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

posted by: T. 02/07/00 18:35
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

2006-10-24 08:16:05 · 13 answers · asked by Pd 6

A little boy, 5 years old, was late for school, so he went for a shower with his dad, and said "Daddy, what's that" pointing at his penis
"well son" his dad replied,"thats my long stretch limo."

next day the little boy was late again and went to the shower with his mummy "mumm, whats that" he asked pointing at her vergina
"well son, thats the garage." she replied

that night he had a nightmare and slept with mummy and daddy.
"move over son, i wanna park my limo in the garage" said daddy
"too late daddy" said the little boy "i already have my mini in there!"




how funny is that?

2006-10-24 08:10:36 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tesco condoms, every little helps. Nike condoms, just do it. Peugeot condoms, the ride of your life. KFC, finger licking good. Burger King condoms, the home of the whopper. Pringles condoms, once you pop you just cant stop. Andrex condoms, soft, strong and very long. Polo condoms, the one with the hole.

2006-10-24 08:05:49 · 26 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

Sorry to disappoint you but I'ts close.

2006-10-24 08:03:17 · 13 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

2006-10-24 07:56:49 · 3 answers · asked by mich 1

Penis wants a raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work in great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

I even have to fight my way through a bush.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
The Penis


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have

raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work eight hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take the initiative.

You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

2006-10-24 07:56:21 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-24 07:53:02 · 21 answers · asked by evangeline_chick 1

Buy a pack of cards!

2006-10-24 07:49:50 · 16 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

He's the last person on earth t5o let you down.

2006-10-24 07:47:48 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a very "matcho"-man sitting at a bar.He says to the waitress to bring him a glass of milk and he drinks it. he sees an ant walking on the bar and he crushes it with his hand.then he goes to the toilet and he jurks off.
when he returns he says to man that is also sitting at the bar:
thats what i do in my life. Drinking, killing and Fu****ing!

2006-10-24 07:46:39 · 13 answers · asked by girl24gr 3

I need the best joke youve ever heard, reguarding anything

2006-10-24 07:27:03 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

How to stop people from bugging you about getting married...


Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

2006-10-24 07:19:47 · 20 answers · asked by Huliganjetta 5

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' ladies room but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

When he arrived in the attendants' ladies room, next to the paper roll there were four buttons marked: WW, WA, PP, and ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button, and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed onto his bare bottom.

He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice!"

So a little more boldly, he pressed the WA button, and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft, disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what had happened. He explained that the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

2006-10-24 07:15:08 · 21 answers · asked by Citizen 1

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

2006-10-24 07:13:39 · 14 answers · asked by Maury 1

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week.

Johnny said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and --"

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him.

"But why?" croaked the husband.

"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!"

2006-10-24 07:12:21 · 16 answers · asked by Citizen 1

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

2006-10-24 07:10:53 · 9 answers · asked by Maury 1

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, "you're next". They stopped after I started doing the same to them at funerals.

2006-10-24 07:10:04 · 19 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

i am sure everyone has heard the carols.. jingle bells-jingle bells... BUT i think that noone has ever noticed what happens to the lyrics when you reverse the song... are the lyrics that innosent when the song is reversed? just try to understand what the lyrics are. and to make it turn the volume up..
does the person who wrote the song really had that in mind??



http://pub.sinuspl.net/flash/Jingle_Bells_Reversed.swf

2006-10-24 07:08:53 · 5 answers · asked by Depy greece!! 4

2006-10-24 07:00:12 · 5 answers · asked by Theandysullivan 3

They dont look golden and the smell fowl!

Is this a me problem or a her problem?

2006-10-24 06:52:32 · 9 answers · asked by Theandysullivan 3

give me some funny things to say.. i want to put them in an email and send around the office! i would be forever thankful!

2006-10-24 06:49:07 · 6 answers · asked by Dulceata 3

Example: Yo momma so fat one time she went outside and jumped up, and got stuck.

2006-10-24 06:45:28 · 18 answers · asked by borris0298 2

Because they can't spell Porsche!!

2006-10-24 06:45:26 · 26 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned off lights, covered their parakeet & put the cat in the backyard. They phoned for a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the door to leave. The cat rushed back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.
"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says as they drove. "Stupid bctih was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it
worked! I hauled her fat as$ downstairs and threw her into the backyard!"

2006-10-24 06:39:33 · 15 answers · asked by Nunya M 4

jasons doner van

2006-10-24 06:38:44 · 14 answers · asked by ? 1