Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool." says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; She'll screw all night if we let her!

Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

2006-10-24 04:31:58 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-24 04:30:29 · 14 answers · asked by LaPalma 2

Greeting Cards Unsuccessfully Marketed By Hallmark



Front: I heard you have gone deaf.
Inside: I'll bet you didn't.

Front: I'm sorry to hear you are brain dead.
Inside: It's really not that bad when you think about it.

Front: My condolences on the loss of your arms.
Inside: Write back soon.

Front: I heard that you attempted suicide.
Inside: Wishing you luck and success in all that you do.

Front: Get well soon.
Inside: I am sick of walking two miles to get water.

My tire was thumping....I thought it was flat....when I looked at the
tire....I found your cat... Sorry!

Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... Don't fret about yourwife though... She's moving in with me.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(only in Arkansas)

2006-10-24 04:28:06 · 8 answers · asked by Barbi 4

halloween trivia

2006-10-24 04:26:46 · 21 answers · asked by Lil121 1

•Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

•For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

•Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

•Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

•We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

•For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

•Great Dames for sale.

•Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

•Stock up and save. Limit: one.

•Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

•Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

•Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

•Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

•Illiterate? Write today for free help

•50% Off Our Rockers!

•Tires Slashed 30%!

2006-10-24 04:23:19 · 2 answers · asked by Barbi 4

BODY MEETING :

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge !!

2006-10-24 04:15:47 · 15 answers · asked by lost_rabbit 2

general knowledge

2006-10-24 04:11:56 · 5 answers · asked by anand r 1

A "Dear Abby" Collection



DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a
man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?
CURIOUS

...I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even
sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

...I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for
two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share
half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

...I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I
confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.

...Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I
tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

2006-10-24 04:10:46 · 3 answers · asked by Barbi 4

she would like to come shopping with her to buy some curtains for her new computer. Her friend asks the blonde, "Why in the world would you buy curtains for your computer?" The blonde replies, "Helloooo, it came with windows."

2006-10-24 04:10:14 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 nuns were out driving on Haloween when a vampire jumps out in front of them

One nun said to the other "Quick sister, show him your cross!".

The other nun wound down the window, leaned out through the window, stuck her middle finger at the vampire and shouted "F**k off you bloodsucking asshole!!"

2006-10-24 03:45:26 · 15 answers · asked by chij onpala 1

Dress her up like a choirboy.

2006-10-24 03:35:12 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm looking for some good halloween jokes- any assistance is appreciated! :)

2006-10-24 03:16:03 · 7 answers · asked by runninggirl23 2

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

His girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rides his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight awhile ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table, and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. When he witnesses this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the ******* dishes!"

2006-10-24 02:59:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
News and bad news.
the good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.
can i go home now?

2006-10-24 02:58:51 · 20 answers · asked by lost_rabbit 2

2006-10-24 02:53:46 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

2006-10-24 02:51:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.

Sincerely,

Mr. Wally Underpants
President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department.

MEMO

Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints -

15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

2006-10-24 02:50:45 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell
where the devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have
no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to
have to let some-one else go. I've got three folks here who weren't
quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened
the first room and in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot
water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his
fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't
think I could stay in hot water all day."

The devil led him to the next room. In It was Tony Blair with a sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, swing,
swing, time after time.

"No!" I've got a problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony
if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it was Bill Clinton lying on a bed
with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a
spread-eagled pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I reckon I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

2006-10-24 02:46:37 · 23 answers · asked by Liane H 4

2006-10-24 02:41:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

2006-10-24 02:37:18 · 9 answers · asked by Pd 6

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says,

"That boy should have quit while he was a head."

2006-10-24 02:36:17 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By norse code!

Why did the knight run about shouting for a can opener?
He had a bee in his suit of armor!

Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's house!

Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights!

Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it?
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me?

Why did Arthur have a round table?
So no one could corner him!

Who invented King Arthur's round table?
Sir Circumference!

Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing? Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!

What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans?
Speaking Latin!

2006-10-24 02:31:49 · 2 answers · asked by asdf 1

A school teacher asks a primary school class how they think people go to heaven.

Suzie enthusiastically raised her hand and said "feet first!". The teacher then asks why she thinks this, and Suzie promptly answered "my mummy was lying in bed last night and her feet were up in the air and she was shouting 'Oh my God, I'm coming!' ".

2006-10-24 02:03:15 · 20 answers · asked by k² 6

2006-10-24 01:44:19 · 9 answers · asked by supersexxysingledad 1

a muslim woman knocked on my door last night......i didnt open it, i just spoke to her through the letterbox, see how she f*cking liked it!


(iv got a feeling this one will go down like a led balloon!)

2006-10-24 01:35:40 · 31 answers · asked by devine_gem22 4

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She
figures she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one
night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down
and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure
device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real
one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent b*****d," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says
calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

2006-10-24 01:31:02 · 29 answers · asked by Liane H 4

Dr.Frank had slept with one of his patients & was feeling really guilty, no matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming

but every once in a while he would hear a reassuring voice in his head say "Frank you arent the first doctor to sleep wiv one of his patients & u certainly wont be the last so just let it go"

but invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality by whispering "Frank your a f*cking vet!"

2006-10-24 01:28:46 · 25 answers · asked by devine_gem22 4

2006-10-24 01:23:49 · 14 answers · asked by wayne 1

There are no tricks, just pure logic, so good luck and don't give up.

1. In a street there are five houses, painted five different colours.
2. In each house lives a person of different nationality
3. These five homeowners each drink a different kind of beverage, smoke different brand of cigar and keep a different pet.

THE QUESTION: WHO OWNS THE FISH?

2006-10-24 01:22:05 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with
St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the
holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a
little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God,"
says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled
to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that

2006-10-24 01:18:00 · 25 answers · asked by Liane H 4