any jokes. i need a laugh right now. ;)
2006-10-24 05:08:30 · 14 answers · asked by Chloe C 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Jim walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The
10:00 news was on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large
building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jim and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jim says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jim placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did
a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Jim, saying,
Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Jim replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5
o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jim took the money!
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act but instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.......we'd both still be alive.
2006-10-24 11:08:01 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I was late for work one day and speeding down the highway and a state trooper pulled me over.
State trooper: What's the rush?
Driver: I'm very late for work.
State trooper: This must be some important job to be driving so fast.
Driver: Oh it is officer, I'm a A$$hole stretcher.
State trooper: Uhh WHAT??
Driver: Yeah, I take a regular size A$$hole and start working it little by little and stretch it out 6 feet.
State trooper: Now what do you do with a 6 foot A$$hole?
Driver: You give it a radar gun and put it on the side of the highway.
2006-10-24 07:25:34 · answer #2 · answered by rsxtreme_2002 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Here they come again:
Why can you never go hungry in the desert?
Because of the sand which is there!
Teacher: "What was found in Ancient Greece,boy?"
Pupil: "Ancient fish and chips, sir!"
Did you hear about the man who took his girlfriend out into the fog and mist?
Did you hear the joke about oil?
I can't tell you, it's too crude!
A madman breaks out of jail and rapes 2 laundry women.
The headline reads:"Nut screws washers and bolts"
What game do Asian children play?
Hide and Sikh!
What do Muslim cowboys shout?
"Jeeee-had!"
What kind of bath is a miniature bath?
A cold one. One miniature in and the next miniature out!
What did the bee say to his mate?
There's no place like comb!
Who started vulgar fractions?
Henry the 1/8.
How did the poor little pig feel at the bacon factory?
He felt rather cut up!
Who invented geometry?
Joan of Arc!
The Irish have found a solution to the water crisis.
They have diluted it.
A man went to the butcher's and saw human arms and legs hanging up in the shop.
When he asked the butcher why, he replied "What do you expect to find in a family butcher's?"
A proud parent rang up the newspaper and reported the birth of sextuplets. The girl at the news desk didn't quite catch the message and asked "Would you repeat that?"
"Not if I can help it!" the woman replied.
Did you hear about the man who always had his hair cut at harvest time?
He said he liked his hair cropped.
2006-10-24 09:20:46 · answer #3 · answered by Phil P 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
What do you call a farmer with a pig under each arm ? A playboy
What happens to a politician on Viagra? He gets taller
Why are divorce lawyers so expensive? Cause they're worth it
2006-10-24 05:15:53 · answer #4 · answered by mt92501 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
2 men on a bridge, 1 with a parrot on his shoulder the other with a budgie. They both jump off. While on the way down the birds are flapping like hell but they still hit the bottom. While they are picking themselves up one says to the other
""I don't think much of this 'Parrot chuting!"
The other one says
"And I don't think much of this Budgie Jumping!!"
2006-10-24 05:20:44 · answer #5 · answered by russell B 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Paddy Buys a bath takes it back complaining water keeps running out.
Manager says did you buy a plug?
Paddy says you didn't tell me it was Electric
Keep smiling xx
Jeff
2006-10-24 05:17:09 · answer #6 · answered by JEFF K 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
What do you get when you cross a Cheroke and a Navajo? A Cheerio!! ( I'm Navajo, by the way :))
2006-10-24 05:16:11 · answer #7 · answered by lisa z 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ha I would hook you up, but people seemed to be offended by my jokes and reported me so....yeah how about a cookie....(:) Its a fortune cookie...and it says "That Wasn't Chicken!"
2006-10-24 05:33:48 · answer #8 · answered by jonmarbles 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
you are a joke, haha i'm just joking with you. see, there you go a joke just like you asked.
2006-10-24 05:43:45 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
A knife & a spoon were walking down the road. Then the road forked.....
2006-10-24 05:22:44 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋