Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

best answer to 1st correct answer

2006-10-25 23:29:33 · 8 answers · asked by ? 5

three squaddies in Bosnia are talking over dinner when one says
"whilst I was out patrolling the train station last night I found a girl tied to the track". "What did you do replies on of his mates". "well I untied her and took her to safety one thing led to another and We had the most amazing sex I have ever had in my life." To which one of the other squaddies in quires "did you get a blow jo b off her?" "No said the first, I couldn't be fcuked to find her head!"

2006-10-25 23:19:27 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

don't blame me, my flatmate asked!!!

2006-10-25 23:13:53 · 20 answers · asked by sandi_ccc 2

A soldier became detached from his unit inn china whilst on exercise. He walked for days trying to find some where to get help. On the 12th day he comes a cross a remote farm house and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man answers the door and the soldier explains his predicament. The Chinese man lets him in and says that he can stay the night as long as he promises not to take advantage of his only daughter. The soldier agrees and is shown to his room. After a short while the Chinese man calls him down for dinner and the soldier enters the dinning room. Sat at the table is the most amazing girl he has ever seen before and he immediately feels aroused. He is sat opposite her with the father sat at the end of the table. The meal goes well and after dinner the father goes to bed. The soldier and the daughter stay up talking and soon they find them selves giving in to nature. After they have finished the soldier remembers his promise and quietly goes to bed on the second floor hoping that the father had not heard.

In the morning he awakes to have find his whole chest is in pain. He opens his eyes and there is a huge boulder sat on his rib cage. On the boulder it says

1st form of Chinese torture, boulder on chest.

The soldier gets up and throws the boulder out the open window on the bottom it reads

2nd form of Chinese torture, boulder tied to left boll0ck

He jumps out the window after the boulder and painted on the floor a sign reads

3rd form of Chinese torture right boll0ck tied to bed post.

2006-10-25 23:09:09 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wheeley Bin

A dustman is going along the street collecting Wheeley Bins
He get's to one house where the wheeley bin hasn't been left out, so after a quick look he knocks on the door
Eventually a Japanese guy answers........
'Harro', he says
'Alright mate, where's your bin?' asks the binman
'I bin on toiret' replies the Japanese guy looking perplexed.
'No mate, where's ya dust bin?'
'I just bin on toiret, I tol you' says the Japanese guy
'Mate', says the dustman.......'You're misunderstanding me.....where is your Wheeley bin?'
'OK OK', says the Japanese guy 'I Wheeley bin having a w**k!'

2006-10-25 23:02:37 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

hope i made some out there burst out laughing in work... and look a bit strange!! lol

2006-10-25 22:49:02 · 24 answers · asked by **SARAH** 3

A three-legged dog walks into the saloon and announces, “I’m alookin’ fer the man what shot my paw.”

2006-10-25 22:47:58 · 23 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Part 2 of 3: As a Teenager:
In the Summer imbetween my fifth & sixth grade schoolyears & on a Sunday, I walked to the store for a Coca-Cola flavored icee. As soon as I finished it, I had to go to the restroom! I asked the store employee. I was not allowed behind their doors. Then I walked out thinking that I "needed to hide behind a tree"!
While I was still walking out, I saw the Exxon gasoline station, (almost next door). I walked to it & it was closed. Then I walked to the MENS restroom door. The door was locked. I then "SECRETLY" twisted the doorknob of the WOMENS restroom. IT WAS ACCIDENTALLY LEFT UNLOCKED! Noticing this, I then watched cars & anyone that may be by. As soon as I knew that no one else was in immediate sight, I QUICKLY SNUCK IN, used the restroom & then watched & listened for anyone that may be by. When it was silent, I snuck back out & then acted casual, as if I never had the problem!
PS: I locked the WOMENS restroom door before I snuck back out!

2006-10-25 22:47:26 · 7 answers · asked by Math_Maestro 7

Here's acouple to get you started..........

A horse goes into a bar. Lanlord says "Why the long face"?

A bear goes into a bar. Landlord says "What'll you have"? Bear says "Whisky and...............................soda"

Landlord says "Why the big pause"?

Apair of jump leads go into a bar. Landlord says "OK, I'll serve you but don't start anything"!

C'mon you can do better than that;)

2006-10-25 22:40:39 · 21 answers · asked by Vernix Lanugo 3

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher tried to catch little April out to see
if she was paying attention in class. She called on her
while she was napping,

Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the
chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very
good," and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and
Saviour,"

But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again,
Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very
good," and April fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve
say to Adam after she had their twenty-third child?" And
again, Johnny jabbed her with the pen.

This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT
F**KING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND
STICK IT UP YOUR AR*E!"

The Teacher fainted.

2006-10-25 22:34:49 · 24 answers · asked by **SARAH** 3

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone

Man who run in front of car get tired
Man who run behind car get exhausted

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

Foolish man give wife Grand piano, Wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

Man with one chopstick go hungry

Man who eat many prunes gets good run for money

Baseball is wrong: Man with four balls cannot walk
Panties not best thing on earth, But next to best thing on earth

War doesn't determine who is right, War determines who is Left
Wife who put husband in Dog house soon find him in Cat house
Man who fight with wife at night get no piece at night

It take many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there

Man who stand on toilet, high on pot
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement
Man who fish in other mans well often catch crabs
Man who fart in church sit in own pew

2006-10-25 22:27:08 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

>
>
A choir master f*cks his singers..........

2006-10-25 22:15:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lesson in rent payment.

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the
afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told
her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary
write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing
that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary
send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

"Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not

sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for

$250 with the following note:

"Dear Sir:

First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful
apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but
if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your
present landlady.

2006-10-25 22:08:41 · 31 answers · asked by **SARAH** 3

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other
monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot
to
question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in
the
first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be
continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries,
but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees
him
banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong,
father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...



"CELEBRATE"!!!

2006-10-25 21:43:25 · 31 answers · asked by **SARAH** 3

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch.
The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling".
But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her.
Because of this he waited three more years without speaking
(bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him.
So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

2006-10-25 21:34:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

If it was easily comprehended it would not be a riddle would it.
First thoughts suggest very low intelligence, any other ideas?

2006-10-25 21:18:54 · 13 answers · asked by "Call me Dave" 5

there are 3 legitimate words in the modern english language that end in -ngry.....

hungry, angry and....

what is the third???

only legitimate english words!!

2006-10-25 20:44:22 · 18 answers · asked by empangeniguy 3

Allegedly , Heather threw a bottle of tomato ketchup at Paul, then told him she was going to take him to the cleaners. Wasn't that nice of her?

2006-10-25 20:43:00 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time, we had this following riddle:

Can you blame the mountain for the earthquake?
A: Yes, it's the mountain's fault!

Hehe. And here is today's riddle:

What happened to the pumpkin that went skydiving?

Have fun! :)

2006-10-25 19:31:20 · 11 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

How many seconds are in a year?

2006-10-25 19:08:41 · 22 answers · asked by SASHANYA W 1

if someone is using the comfort room, how will you know if she/he was a man or a woman?

2006-10-25 19:03:37 · 9 answers · asked by lynyan 1

example

"your momma is so fat she steped on the scale and it said 'to be continued"

got any other good ones?

2006-10-25 18:54:27 · 18 answers · asked by blah 2

What goes through a door but never goes in or out....?

2006-10-25 18:30:39 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you cross a lion and a mouse...?

2006-10-25 18:20:56 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

How many legs does a mule have if you call its tail a leg...?

2006-10-25 18:06:08 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

And if I wind up not being a genius, should I just by velcro sneakers?

2006-10-25 17:40:49 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

One duck said to another duck whilst crossing a busy road in northern ireland. I CANT WALK ANY FU**ING QUACKER replied the other duck

2006-10-25 17:36:40 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

One word answer.

2006-10-25 17:32:42 · 18 answers · asked by Terry 7

what is sometimes tall and sometimes short?
it joins our talk, it joins our sport, and plays at every game?
what is it?

2006-10-25 17:24:29 · 11 answers · asked by lynyan 1

2006-10-25 17:21:02 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous