Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

two cannibal`s sitting round the camp fire eating a clown one turns to the other and say`s does this taste funny

2006-10-26 05:09:21 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.jokeindex.com/joke.asp?Joke=3400
i couldnt stop laughing what do you think?

2006-10-26 05:08:44 · 17 answers · asked by FlossyQ 2

100 nuns sat at a table including the head nun. She announced that there had been a sin within the convent.
"One of our nuns has committed a sin
"99 nuns go 'Oh No', 1 nun goes 'He He He'."
And there was a comdom found"
99 nuns go 'Oh No', 1 nun goes 'He He He'.
"And it had a hole in it"
99 nuns go 'HE HE HE', 1 nun goes 'OH NO'
*************
She leaves him on the couch when the phone rings and is back in a few seconds.
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"I better get going," he said
"Relax, he'll be late" She said "He's playing poker with you."

2006-10-26 05:06:51 · 9 answers · asked by Pd 6

This is a real life exam of a Grade 5 (Std. 3) pupil.

Primary School Exam 1 of the second term

Write an essay on the following question: "What is a crocodile?" Use
block letters and write legibly.

Name: GERHARD JANSE VAN VUUREN

Date: Monday 22/05/2003



Answer:
The crokodil is a specially built so long because the flatter the better
swimmer. At the front of the crokodil is the head. The head exists almost
only of teeth. Behind the crokodil the tail grows. Between the head and the
tail is the crokodil. A crokodil without a tail is called a rotwieler. A
crokodil's body is covered with handbag material. He can throw his tail off
if he gets a fright but it doesn't happen much because a crokodil is scared
of nothing. A crokodil stays under the water because if you were so ugly,
you would also stay under the water. It is good that a crokodil stays under
the water, because a person gets such a big fright if a crokodil catches you
that he first has to rinse you off before he can eat you. A crokodil isn't
hardly as dangerous as people say he is, except if he catches you. The
longer he bites you, the more it hurts. Very old crokodils suck their people
and buck that they catch dead. If you eat him, he is a crokosatie. A
crokodil did not learn to swim with his arms so he uses his tail. The little
brother of the crokodil is a lizard. The slow sister of the crokodil is a
chameleon. The gay brother of the crokodil is a daffodil. And the crokodil
also has a dead brother the frikkidel.

2006-10-26 05:02:36 · 9 answers · asked by liongirl_40 3

If you go to the hardware store and 4 cost £10
23 cost £20
100 cost £30

2006-10-26 04:52:49 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

2006-10-26 04:51:53 · 20 answers · asked by missy2240 1

Answer in 10 min.

2006-10-26 04:49:43 · 5 answers · asked by glacier 4

3 men went to a bar they all put £30 in the kitty for a bottle of wine which was £30 but the waiter came back and said they didnt have any of the £30 one only £25 bottle so the men agree to have this so the waiter gave them thier change of £5 back and because u cant split £5 between 3 they decided that they would give the waiter £2 tip and they one keep £1 each for them selves so all in all they all put £9 each in the kitty so how comes when you add it all together it just doesnt add up 3x9=27 +2 for the tip =29 +they all had a £1 back =32 so where did that extra 2 come from when they all put 10 in at the start

2006-10-26 04:30:12 · 20 answers · asked by PAULA D 2

2006-10-26 04:29:48 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why do we find classic jokes amusing even though we've often heard them before.

E.G.
Doctor, doctor I feel like a pair of curtains!!!

Oh pull yourself together!!!!!!

OR
What do frogs have for breakfast?

Crock-o-pops!!!!!!!

2006-10-26 04:25:59 · 17 answers · asked by smoking_gremlin 2

and englishman an irishman and a scotsman are all sitting dow to lunch at work the englishman opens his his sandwiches and finds it's roast beef and mustard again so he says"fcuk this if I get roast beef and mustard one more time I am going to top myself"The Scotsman opens his sandwiches and finds them to be ham and pickle he to declares his intent on killing himself if he ever finds them in his lunch again.The irish fellow follows suit opens his sarnies and say "if I ever get cheese and pickle again I am off to the harp farm"The following day they all find the same packed lunches and all jump off the building each leaving a suicide note.at the inquest the Englishmans wife says " I didn't know fred didnt like his lunches all he had to do was say something and I would have made him something different.the scotsmans wife agrees and says she would have prepared him anything he wanted if only he had asked.the Irish woman is beside herself with grief and the other two wives ask why?

2006-10-26 04:19:34 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-26 04:16:27 · 17 answers · asked by f**kwit 1

and starts screaming "Doctor, I can't feel my legs".

"I know" he replies, "I chopped your arms off".

2006-10-26 04:02:24 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before you leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.

2006-10-26 03:55:07 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

A men enters a badger...

2006-10-26 03:53:44 · 6 answers · asked by people are scum 4

You ever listed fuzzy dice on an insurance claim.
Your trolling motor used to be a fan in a barber shop.
You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
You use an ironing board as a knick-knack shelf.
You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and your mother.
You've ever driven around looking for your porch roof after a bad storm.
Your nicest towels say, "Property of Motel 6".
You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
The photo on your driver's license includes your dog.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You've had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You ever used a weedeater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'

2006-10-26 03:50:58 · 16 answers · asked by Kaleigh P 3

and pulled a mussel.

2006-10-26 03:44:06 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What is Bush's position on Iraq?

A: He doesn't care how people got out of New Orleans.

2006-10-26 03:43:38 · 4 answers · asked by Terry 7

Why is it socially and politically acceptable to ridicule white people from the rural south. by referring to them as "rednecks", Hicks, trailer park thrash and otherwise use derogatory references?

Does that not reflect your own biases and stereotypes? Do you all understand the term "Double Standard"?

Suppose I made jokes about Native Americans, or Afro Americans or Gays? You all would be on me like a Chicken on a June Bug.

Next time I see a dem/lib post a "Redneck" joke on this site I think I will post a "N" word joke and see how long it takes to get a violation

2006-10-26 03:34:58 · 10 answers · asked by barrettins 3

went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the husband died suddenly. The undertaker told the women that it would cost $5000.00 to ship her husband home or for only $150.00 he could be buried right there. The women thought for a minute and said "I will send him home." Looking puzzled the undertaker asked "Why would you send him home for $5000.00 instead of burying him here for $150.00?" The lady replied "Long, long ago a man died here, was buried here and 3 days later arose from the dead.......and I just can't take that chance."

2006-10-26 03:26:26 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they will pass their time in jail.

The first one pulls out a harmonica and says "I can play all my favorite songs on this."

The second takes out a deck of cards. "I can play poker with myself with these."

The third gets out a box of tampons. "Well, it says on here that with these I can go swimming, horseback riding, cycling, ..."

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

2006-10-26 03:21:14 · 30 answers · asked by **SARAH** 3

A woman was pregnant with triplets..

while in the stomach the babies start planning their future

first baby says when i grow up im gonna be a electrician so that we can get some lights up in here

second baby says yea well im gonna be a plumber to fix all the leaks in this place

third baby says well guess what im gonna be a boxer so i can kick the **** out of the bald man who keeps coming in here spitting on us.

2006-10-26 03:09:46 · 13 answers · asked by bklynmka 3

there was this man and wife one day the husband came home from work and said he had to go out on buisness the wife said how am i going to pleasure myself while you away he said i already have that taken care of he showed her a voodoo dick he said that when you sya voodoo dick it will do anything you want so he said voodoo dick the door and as he said it was dicken so after he left she used it and loved it so one day she called him up and said hony i need help i cant get it out so he was speeding down the highwy and got stopped by the cops the cop said why are you speeding the man said because my wifes voodoo dick got stuk in her the cop said voodoo dick ha voodoo dick my ***

2006-10-26 03:05:55 · 13 answers · asked by nuri b 1

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says....... "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?" "OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog."

2006-10-26 03:00:40 · 21 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Maybe this will cheer up your after noon! lol

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

**************************************************************
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"

2006-10-26 02:36:20 · 23 answers · asked by **SARAH** 3

2006-10-26 02:27:47 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide.
The first bloke says to the second bloke "sorry about that I am looking for my wife and I guess I wasnt paying attention to where I was going!"
the second bloke says "that's ok, its a coincidence. I am looking for my wife too. I cant find her and I am getting a little desperate". The first bloke says "well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches tall, with blonde hair and blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like?"
The first bloke says, "Doesn't matter, lets look for yours."

2006-10-26 02:27:42 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.

And I don't know the answer, we've been at this for months. lol

2006-10-26 02:24:19 · 15 answers · asked by Goldilocks 2

2006-10-26 02:20:56 · 13 answers · asked by gemini07 1

In a singles group, all the participants were talking about their spousal requirements.
Some men wanted nice and affectionate wife. Some men wanted housewife.
One gentleman said, " I don't want a very beautiful wife. I neither want a devoted housewife. What I need is a wife who is like the moon. She should come in the evenings and fullfil his life with love and romance. And also like the moon, she should leave him by the day break".
***************************
"Ladies no offense pls. just intended for a joke"

2006-10-26 02:13:32 · 4 answers · asked by Pd 6