Am feeling a bit low.....know any good jokes to help cheer me up? X.?

Answer 1

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
They enter heaven, there are ducks all over the place, although they try their best to avoid them, the 1st guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen and chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this lady."
The next day, same happens with the 2nd guy he also chained with an extremely ugly woman.
The 3rd guy has observed all this and manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen: a curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Answer 2

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the drivers side.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

Answer 3

Four men (yes an Englishman, Scotsman, Welshman and the obligatory Irishman) on a building site, all new to the job, sat in the work hut at their tea break. The Englishman says "I'd better introduce myself, my names George, born on St. Georges day and my mother and father being patriotic called me George", "that's a coincidence" says the Scotsman, "my names Andrew for the same reason". "Well, it's a small world" says the Welshman, my names David". At this the Irishman takes centre stage and says "I wonder what the odds of the four of us meeting like this is, my names Pancake".
Sorry but at least it's clean.
another I've just picked up from the net:

At a local college, there was a dance. A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

Answer 4

1} During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad. That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.

The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.

Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape.Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right."Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."

"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself."Aim...""Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "

2} Ah Beng asked a long-distance telephone operator, "Could you tell me the time difference between Singapore and New York?"

Operator replied, "Just a minute."
Ah Beng said, "Thank you." And he put down the phone.

3}Whats marketing!

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's direct marketing.

2. You are at a party with your friend and see a gorgeous girl. Your friend goes up to her, points at you and says: "He is very rich. Marry him!"
That's advertising.

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's customer feedback.

4}Two men were arrested. One was arrested for eating battery acid and the other ate fireworks. One man was 'charged' and the other was 'let off'.

Answer 5

There's a knock at the door, the man opens it and there standing is a 6ft ladybird....
The ladybird punches and kicks the man all over.....
The man goes to the hospital..the nurse asks 'what happened?
'Well' says the man there was a knock at my front door and there standing was a 6ft ladybird..and it suddenly starts to beat me up..'
The nurse replies' Oh yeah I hear there's a nasy bug goin around'..

Answer 6

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,

"WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.

Answer 7

a man told 3 men to do a sin then drink the holy water to forgive them.the first man said he stole jewlry.and the man said drink the holy water.the 2 man said he got in a fight.and the man said drink the holy water.the 3 man said he pied in the holy water.

oh and I heard this one from some where.
you so ugly when you were born the doctor said I see a piece of **** but I don't see the baby.

Answer 8

knock knock

whos there

pat

pat who

pat mcgroin

haha

Answer 9

check out all the questions ive asked there all really good jokes! :)

If you like them i hope i get your ten!!

Answer 10

Pd - you are a funny one