anyone know any good "bar" jokes?

Question

Here's acouple to get you started..........

A horse goes into a bar. Lanlord says "Why the long face"?

A bear goes into a bar. Landlord says "What'll you have"? Bear says "Whisky and...............................soda"

Landlord says "Why the big pause"?

Apair of jump leads go into a bar. Landlord says "OK, I'll serve you but don't start anything"!

C'mon you can do better than that;)

Answer 1

A man was sitting quietly at the bar when the bartender presented him with a riddle."My mother had a child.It wasn't my brother,and it wasn't my sister.Who was it?
The man thought for a minute but then gave up.
"It was me, you idiot!" exclaimed the bartender triumphantly.
The man thought it was a good trick and decided to play it on his wife when he got home.He announced."My mother had a child.It wasn't my brother,and it wasn't my sister.Who was it?"
His wife looked at him blankly and gave up.
"It was Sid at the Wagon and Horses you idiot."

A man walked into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm and said."I'll have a beer please and one for the road."

A termite walked into a bar and asked "Is the bar tender here?"

Two hamburgers walked into a bar.The bartender said."Sorry we don't serve food."

A group of fonts walk into a bar."Get out of my pub!" shouts the barman."We don't serve your type in here."

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the barman for a beer."I can't serve you."Says the barman."You're bard."

Answer 2

Guy goes into a bar with an Octopus under his arm.
Barman goes "What the hell is that? That is disgusting! Get the hell out of here!"
The guy replies "No, you don't understand. This is a musical octopus. Plays any instrument known. I see this is a music bar and you have instruments here. The octopus will keep your punters happy all night."
"What's in it for you?" asks the Barman
"Free drinks all night," is the reply.
"I don't trust you," says the Barman. "Tell you what, if your Octopus can't play an instrument, you have to pay treble your bar bill."
"Done!" says the guy.
So the Octopus slithers over to a piano and starts playing. He's pretty good. Next he takes a fiddle and bodhran and plays an Irish jig with both at the same time. The bar fills and the Octopus plays.

The only problem is that the guy can drink! He is basically drinking the profits for the night. The Barman makes a phone call and ten minutes later he nips out the back, returning with a set of bagpipes. The Octopus takes one look at them, grabs the bagpipes off the Barman and goes berserk! He's rolling on the floor with the pipes, limbs going in every direction!
The Barman says "Ah ah! He can't play them! Pay up!"
The guy is totally unconcerned. He calmly sips his beer then replies

"When he realises he can't f*ck 'em, he'll play 'em."

Answer 3

Three men walk into a bar, after a couple of minutes the first guy says to the third " so you didn't see it either?" I love this one and the man walks into a bar one but someone already said it xXx

Answer 4

Sheriff walks into saloon and says to the Bartender"Has a cowboy with a brown paper hat,a brown paper shirt and brown paper pants been in here".
The bartender says"What is he wanted for"

The sheriff says"Rustling".

Answer 5

A three legged dog walks into a bar and sits down...looks around and says...I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

Answer 6

a sandwich walks into a bar and oders a drink at three thirty.
the bar man says no we don't serve food after three.

Answer 7

Two pieces of black tarmac are drinking at the bar when the door opens and in comes a green tarmac, one black tarmac dives under a bar stool,. His mate says, "what's the matter with you?", "hide" he says "can't you see he's a cycopath "

Answer 8

Beautiful girl walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre ,so the barman gives her one!

Answer 9

a man walks in to a bar, the fruit machine shouts abuses @ him,
he goes over to the bar tender to complain, to which he explains " sorry sir, the fruit machine is out of order"

Answer 10

An old man of 70 walks into a clock shop and puts his little man on the counter. "sorry sir this is a clock shop" "I know I want two hands and a face on that!!!!"" hahaha