Can you send me some good jokes???

Question

Hi all, I'm in a bad mood right now and I can do with a good laugh. Can you guys plz send me some jokes?

Answer 1

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FUNNY LUV LETTER

Johnny Mera Naam
Piya Ka Ghar
Choukee No. 11
Teesri Manzil
China Town

Date: Nav Do Gyarah

My Dear Anamica':

You must be surprised to receive this Prem Patra' from me. Let me make my
Pahechan' to you as Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge'. Though I am an
Awaara', I am also your Deewana'.

I am making you a Prarthna' to enter my Zindagi' as a Priyatama'. Even
though I do not have any Sambandh' with you, I still consider you as my
Dream Girl' with Lal Dupatta Malmal Ka'. There are only Do Raaste' left
for me. One is to get your love by Tyag' or to go the Rangeela' way.

Wouldn't you like to be Mere Jeevan Saathi' as you are Lakhon Mein Ek'? I
also hope that you will Guide' me in Bahar' as we are made for Ek Duje Ke
Liye'.

We will live in Naya Zamana' where we will have a Suhana Safar'. In this
Himalay Ki God Mein', our Bandhan' is going to tied with Preet Ki Dor'. I
hope that we will have nothing but Anand' in Ye Dillagi'.

Aren't you bored of Akele Hum Akele Tum' life? Let this Baazigar' be your
Boy Friend' and we start Pehli Mohabbat'. This Chahat' is going to lead
to a Milan' where you are going to call me everyday for Aao Pyar Karen'.

Now, Phir Kab Miloge' as Tumse Accha Kaun Hein'? As you know my love is
Himalay Se Uncha' and hopefully our Mulakat' will be An Evening in Paris'.
Aa Gale Lag Jaa'!

Hum Aapke Hain Koun...?'

Prem Pujari'
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Question:What is the full form of maths.
Anwser: Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students


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Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped
him then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE


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Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student:A holiday

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Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend
it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!

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Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same
time."

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Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born.

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Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg
.Then,what is my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

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Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says,
'God, are you still in there?'


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Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask aquestion in English,answer it in English."
Student:"My name is Sunlight."
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Ramayana by Bill Gates.

LAN, LAN ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya,there ruled a
PROCESSOR named DOS-rat. Once he EXECUTED a great
sacrifice PROGRAM after which his queens gave an
OUTPUT of four SUNs--RAM, LSIman,BUG-rat and SED-
rughana. RAM the eldest was a MICROCHIP with excellent
MEMORY. His brothers,however, were only PERIPHERAL
ICs. Once when RAM was only 16MB, he married princess
'C'ta. 12years passed and DOS-rat decided to INSTAL
RAM as his successor. However, Queen CIE/CAE
(Kayegayee), who was once offered a boon by DOS-rat
for a life saving HELP COMMAND, took this opportunity
at the instigation of her BIOSed maid (a real
plotter), and insisted that her son Bug-rat be
INSTALLED and that RAM be BOOTED to the forest for 14
years. At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE
passed thru DOS-rat and, he collapsed,power-less. RAM
agreed to LOG INTO forest and 'C'ta insisted to LOGIN
with him. LSI-man was also resolved on LOGGING IN with
his brother. The forest was the dwelling of
SPARCnakha,
the TRANSISTOR of RAW-van,PROCESSOR of LAN- ka.
Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that he
marry her. RAM, politely declined. Perceiving 'C'ta to
be the SOURCE CODE of her distress, she hastened to
kill her. Weeping,SPARC-nakha fled to LAN-ka, where
RAW-van, moved by TRANSISTOR's plight,approached his
uncle MAR-icha. MAR-icha REPROGRAMED himself into the
form of a golden stag and drew RAM deep into forest.
Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer, who,with
his last breath, cried out desperately for LSI-man in
RAM's voice.Fooled by this VIRTUAL RAM SOUND,'C'ta
urged LSI-man to his brother's aid. Catching the
opportunity,RAW-van DELINKED 'C'ta from her LIBRAR and

changed her ROOT DIRECTORY to LAN-ka.

-----------------------------------------------------

INTERVAL

-----------------------------------------------------

RAM and LSI-man started SEARCHING for the missing
'C'ta all over the forest. They made friendship with
the forest SYSTEM
ADMINISTRATOR SU-greev and his powerful co-processor
Ha-NEUMAN. SU-greev agreed to help RAM.SU-greev
ordered his PROGRAMMERS to use powerful
'SEARCH'techniques to FIND themissing 'C'ta. His
PROGRAMMERS SEARCHED all around INTER-NETworked
forests. Many tried to 'EXCITE' the birds and animals
not to forget the 'WEB CRAWLERS'(Insects) and tried to
SEEK'something about 'C'ta. Some of them even shouted
'YAA-HOO' but they all ended up with 'NO
FOUND'MESSAGES. Several other SEARCH techniques proved
useless. Ha-NEUMAN devised a RISKy TECHNOLOGY and
used it to cross the seas at an
astonishing CLOCK SPEED. Soon Ha-NEUMAN DOWNLOADED
himself into LAN-ka. After doing some local SEARCH,
HaNEUMAN found 'C'ta weeping under a TREE STRUCTURE.
Ha-NEUMAN used a LOGIN ID (ring) to identify
himself to 'C'ta. After DECRYPTING THE KEY, 'C'ta
believed in him and asked him to send a STATUS_OK
MESSAGE to RAM. Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS
around 'C'ta captured Ha-NEUMAN and tried to DELETE
him using pyro-techniques. But Ha-NEUMAN managed to
spread chaos by spreading the VIRUS 'Fire'.
Ha-NEUMAN happily pressed ESCAPE from LAN- ka and
conveyed all the STATUS MESSAGES to RAM and SU-greev.
RAW-wan decided to take the all powerful RAM head-on
and prepared for the battle.One of the RAW-wan's SUN
(son) almost DELETED RAM & LSI-man with a powerful
brahma-astra. But Ha-NEUMAN resorted to some ACTIVE-X
gradients and REBOOTED RAM and LSI-man. RAM used the
SOURCE CODE secrets of RAW-wan and once for all wiped
out RAW-wan's presense on earth. After the battle, RAM
got INSTALLED in I/O- dhya and spreaded his MICROSOFT
WORKS and other USER FRIENDLY PROGRAMS to all USERS
and every one lived happily everafter.
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How To Catch a Lion !! ??

>Ø Newton's Method:
Let the lion catch you.
For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.

>Ø Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.

>Ø Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

>Ø Indian Police Method:
catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion.

>Ø Rajnikanth Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself .

>Ø Manirathnam Method:
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

>Ø Karan Johar Method:
Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion. First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness third) into the forest. You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont !

>Ø Yash Chopra method:
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.

>Ø Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

>Ø Ravi Shastri method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u. U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run .
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MUNNA BHAI JOKES


PROFESSOR :
Gandhi Jayanti ke baray mein kya jante ho?
MUNNA BHAI :
Gandhi bahut zabardast aadmi tha, Baap. Maa Kasam, par apun ko yeh nehin maloom ke yeh Jayanti kaun hai.

____________ _________ _________

CIRCUIT :
Bhai, Bapu ne bola tha ke kabhi jhoot nehin bolna mangta hai. Apun aaj se kabhi jhoot nehin bolega Bhai.
MUNNA BHAI :
Aye Circuit, woh Sabrina ka baap aya hai tere ko dund rehla hai.
CIRCUIT :
Bhai usko bolo apun gaoon gayea hai, kheti karne ko.
MUNNA BHAI :
Par Circuit, abhi to tu bola kabhi jhoot nehin bolega.
CIRCUIT :
Bhai, apun jhoot nehin bolega, par tum to bol sakta hai na.

____________ _________ _________

MAMU :
Chand toh raat ko nikalta hai, aaj din mein kaise nikal aya?
GIRL :
Ullu to raat ko bolta hai, aaj din mein kaise bol pada?

____________ _________ _________ _

CIRCUIT :
Bhai, woh apnay bachpan ka dost aarehla hai aaj raat ko dinner pe. Mera sara chain collection apnay kamray mein chupa do na please.
MUNNABHAI :
Kyun tera dost chor hai kya?
CIRCUIT :
Nehin Bhai, woh apnay chain pechan lega.

____________ _________ _________ __


MAMU :
Bhai, apnay ko char mahinay mein Sindhi sikhna padega. Kuch hal batao.
MUNNA BHAI :
Kannada kyun, aur char mahinay ka kya chakkar hai?
MAMU :
Meinay ek Sindhi baccha adopt kiya hai, aur woh char mahinay mein bolne lagay ga.
____________ _________ _________ _

PROFESSOR :
Akal badi ki bhais?
MUNNA BHAI :
Bole toh pehlay date of birth bata mamu.

____________ _________ _________

MUNNA BHAI :
Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?
CIRCUIT :
Bhai, gaadi hai.
MUNNA BHAI :
Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?
CIRCUIT :
Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi.

____________ _________ _________ __


Circuit takes a flight to Singapore and he is seated next to an Englishman. Circuit open his tiffin and serves himself a roti.
ENGLISHMAN :
What is this?
CIRCUIT :
Bread India
Circuit then open the box of jalebi.
ENGLISHMAN :
What is this?
CIRCUIT :
Sweet India
With all the food he hogged on, Munna farts. The Englishman is offended and in shock asks ...
ENGLISHMAN :
What is that?
CIRCUIT :
Air India

____________ _________ _________ __


CIRCUIT :
Aye Mamu, tereko papad aur jhapad mein pharak pata hai kya?
MAMU :
Nehin.
CIRCUIT :
To kha ke dekh le, pata chal jayega.

____________ _________ _______

MUNNA BHAI :
Mamu, apun bachpan mein dus maley ke building se gir gaya tha.
MAMU :
Aarey, phir kya hua. Bach gaya ki tapak gaya?
MUNNA BHAI :
Yaad nahin hai yaar. Bahut purani baat hai.

____________ _________ _______

MUNNA BHAI :
Mamu, tu kitna padha hai?
MAMU :
B.A.
MUNNA BHAI :
Sala, two lafz padha aur woh bhi ulta?

____________ _________ _________

MAMU :
Oye, maar gayea yaar. Meri biwi aur premika saath saath aa rehla hain.
MAMU KA DOST :
Arrey, mein bhi yehi bolnewala tha.

____________ _________ _________ __

CIRCUIT :
Oye Short Circuit yeh light bulb pe baap ka naam kya likh raha hai?
SHORT CIRCUIT :
Apun baap ka naam roshan kar rehle hai.

____________ _________ _________ __

PRINCIPAL :
Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200 Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500.

MUNNA BHAI :
Boley to Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu

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Reality about Bruce Lee.

1) What is Bruce Lees favourite vegetable? -- Mu Lee
2) What does Bruce Lee like to have for lunch ? -- Tha Lee
3) What happens to the theatre once a Bruce Lee movie is over? -- Kha Lee
4) What is Bruce Lees sister-in-laws name? -- Saa Lee
5) Bruce Lees favourite breakfast? -- Id Lee
6) Bruce Lees favourite festival? -- Diwa Lee
7) Bruce Lees favourite Actress? -- Sona lee
8) Bruce Lees favourite Music? -- Qawa lee
9) What is Bruce Lees most interesting job? -- Coo Lee
10) When did Bruce Lee die? -- Final Lee
11) How did Bruce Lee die? -- with a Go Lee
12) What is Bruce Lees favourite hill station? -- Kulu Manna Lee

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Regards,
JIMIT
_____

Answer 2

Q: Can you use green, pink, and yellow in a sentence?

A: When the phone goes green green, I pink it up, and say yellow!


Q: "Waiter, this soup tastes funny!"

A: "Then why aren't you laughing?"

Q: What do you give a sick pig?

A: Oink-ment!


Q: Why was the nose tired?

A: Because it kept running!


Q: What do vampires eat for dessert?

A: I scream!


Q: What did the digital clock say to the mother clock?

A: Look mom, no hands!


Q: What did the man say at the coffee trial?

A: He refused to testify on the grounds that may incriminate him.


Q: What hotel does a wolf stay at?

A: The Howl-iday Inn!

Answer 3

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Mankuwa City to Sukhpur city, the
captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed.. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours.But don't worry ... we still have one engine left." A sardarji passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Answer 4

... A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

Try this one,
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him with an 18-carat goldwatch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a beautiful blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde beauty fixed him a full English breakfast: bacon, eggs, sausage & tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she
poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring the coffee Postman Pat noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the five quid for?"

"Well, I'll tell you the truth" said the blonde, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you and I asked him what to give you.

He said, 'f u c k him. Give him a fiver'

Answer 5

Once a senior executive , a junior executive and their boss were strolling along the garden. They found a lamp and rubbed it. Just then a genie appeared. It said " I can grant each one of you a wish. You ask what you want from me." The junior executive first asked' Grant me a boon that I shall immedaitely be in a beautiful island and enjoying the beauty of nature in the company of few good looking girls" The genie said 'so it be'. And he was gone.

Next the senior executive asked " Take me to a luxury liner where I can eat drink and dance at will ." The genie granted his wish also. Finally, it was the turn of the boss. He asked the genie " I want both the idiots who were with me to come back immedaitely and complete the annual reports. And so it was. Like it?

Answer 6

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?
She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing.
To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"

Answer 7

One of my personal favorites:

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So where are y'all from?"

The Yankee turned her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replied, "I am from a place where we do NOT end our sentences with a preposition."

Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where are y'all from, b*tch ??

Hope your mood improves!

Answer 8

A little old lady, the church organist, was visited by the paster one day. While she fixed tea, the paster looked around the sitting room and noticed, of all things, a bowl of water sitting on top of an organ with a condom floating in it.
When the old lady returned, the paster couldn't help but ask her about it.
She replied," Yes, isn't it wonderful? I found it in a little package in the park." "The instructions said to put it on the organ and to keep it wet to avoid disease." "And I haven't had the flu since."

Answer 9

Funny! 100!

Answer 10

here's some Yo Mama jokes i found on the Internet: yo mama is so stupid that she got trapped in a food store a starved. yo mama is so stupid that she came up to a stop sign and waited for it to say go. yo mama is so stupid that she heard it was chilly outside and ran out with a spoon! yo mama is so stupid she sat on top of the T.V. and watched the couch. yo mama is so stupid she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order! yo mama is so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone! yo mama is so stupid, she asked you, "what is the number for 911"? yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. yo mama is so stupid she tried to drown a fish! if you want to hear more jokes then go to www.ahajokes.com

Answer 11

MUNNA BHAI : Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?
CIRCUIT : Bhai, gaadi hai.
MUNNA BHAI : Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?
CIRCUIT : Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi.