Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

with out someone feeling bloody offended especially if you consider you tell or ask jokes in the...Jokes category *gasps

2006-10-26 20:08:22 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

does anyone have any muslim jokes. my mate keeps saying all the irish ones and i dont have any muslim jokes and no im not being racist...if you feel i am being racist ******* CHILL OUT!!!!

2006-10-26 19:52:26 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

when u offer it a hand shake ???

2006-10-26 19:46:27 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet; and when I looked down,the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

"Uh-huh"

"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he says, "You're simply going through the change."

2006-10-26 19:45:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time, we had this following riddle:

What happened to the pumpkin that went skydiving?
A: It got squashed!

Hehe. And here is today's riddle:

Why was little Suzy putting on lipstick in class?

Have fun! :)

2006-10-26 19:33:34 · 8 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

This week, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo, Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! It's been a year! (I told him.)

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....

He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

2006-10-26 19:20:43 · 10 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A group of Canadian retired teachers recently went to France on a tour.

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 86, was on the tour.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible!" barked the officer. "Canadians always have to show their passports on arrival in France."

The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate your country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

2006-10-26 19:15:24 · 9 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

10 points for 1st correct answer

2006-10-26 19:07:23 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

the irish masked bankrobber who passed a note to the cashier demanding that he wanted to hand over his money for a deposit!

2006-10-26 19:04:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

mum,am i really a polar bear?
`yes dear you are.`
mumm,are you sure im a polar bear?
`of course dear,you have white fur,sharp teeth and claws,and you eat seals`
mummmm,am i really really a polar bear??
`for christs sake dear why do you keep asking?
coz im f***ing freezing mum!!!!

2006-10-26 18:59:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-26 18:52:10 · 8 answers · asked by junetglove 1

What is more good than god, More evil than Satan, the Rich dont need it, the Poor have it, and if you eat it you will die...........

2006-10-26 18:50:35 · 9 answers · asked by devsmash 2

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately.

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.

The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.

Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach

The morning newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING

2006-10-26 18:39:24 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

enjoi ^_^

2006-10-26 18:37:03 · 17 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

The investigation of Martha Stewart continues.

Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient.

First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.

2006-10-26 18:36:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."


Have a Nice Day! ^_^

2006-10-26 18:32:04 · 8 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

well me to! so tell me one!

2006-10-26 18:31:48 · 13 answers · asked by Cutie P 2

2006-10-26 18:25:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's a riddle. :)

2006-10-26 18:24:05 · 6 answers · asked by Lola 2

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the
Vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this
Wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let
Their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
Hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
Morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
Are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
Laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When
We fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go
To heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
A retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
Is beer Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
The wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
Friends

Over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
can!
Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
Logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
BuffaloTheory

To his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
As fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is
The slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This
Natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
General

Speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
Killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain
Can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake
Of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks
The slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
Consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the
Brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel
Smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
Whispering when you are NOT....

2006-10-26 18:22:31 · 4 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

you aint black, your mama just breathes on you alot.

2006-10-26 18:15:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Smelly and fat and HANGS out your underwear!A>your mum

2006-10-26 18:11:29 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

Before he could finish the old lady fainted!

2006-10-26 17:58:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

one egg says to the other "jeez, it's cold in here"

the other egg says "wow, a talking egg..."

2006-10-26 17:56:17 · 15 answers · asked by ylanger ylanger 3

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

2006-10-26 17:55:12 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-26 17:51:39 · 8 answers · asked by Ducky 1

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Well, aren't we just a ray of ******* sunshine?

3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

7. Do I look like a ******* people person?

8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

12. You! Off my planet!

13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.

20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

22. And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.

25. Allow me to introduce my selves.

26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

28. Better living through denial.

29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

48. You say I'm a ***** like it's a bad thing.

49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

50. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

51. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."

56. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic ***** just like you.

58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

60. You look like ****. Is that the style now?

61. This is a mean, ******* cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!

62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

63. Earth is full. Go home.

64. Is it time for your medication or mine?

65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

67. I plead contemporary insanity.

68. And which dwarf are you?

69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

72. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

2006-10-26 17:49:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle and a cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked jerk off. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a horses ****, he finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I could only imagine what the owner of the car will think when he sees all the tickets

2006-10-26 17:43:50 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over, anyway."

2006-10-26 17:41:49 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The rest of the riddle goes as follows:

...in modern times and ancient years.
I’m a researcher’s dream and an employee’s need,
I have a pun to my credit that says -
“I quit but you wont know for sure until ‘tis too late”.
Hey, I’m the keyword here, don’t miss me mate,
For I point to a recipe in the booklet…!

2006-10-26 17:40:08 · 3 answers · asked by sonu 1