Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 10 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

2006-10-27 01:56:59 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

don’t know they’re funkifying the air we breath?

Q Inspired by Agrippina

2006-10-27 01:48:57 · 6 answers · asked by MojoMan 6

pete and repeat whent on a bout if pete jumped out who was on the bout
pete and repeat whent on a bout if pete jumped out who was on the bout
PS:there is a answer ?it ust repaets becouse his name is repeat get it ohhhh and no one is left on the bout becouse repeat fallows pete!!!!

2006-10-27 01:42:21 · 8 answers · asked by Ange!ic@ 2

there eas a cowboy riding on friday.HE whent to the hotel on fiday he stayed two days on friday.HOW IS THIS POSIBLE !

2006-10-27 01:36:52 · 19 answers · asked by Ange!ic@ 2

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

2006-10-27 01:30:23 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6

A female police officer arrests a man for shoplifter in Victoria's Secret.
The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be taken down and held against you..."


The shoplifter replies; "Knickers."

Inspired by Steve W.

2006-10-27 01:22:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A waiter asks a man, "may I take your order, sir?"
"Yes", the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special sir''. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

2006-10-27 01:20:22 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too
hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of the first nine, honey.
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey.
Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

2006-10-27 00:44:53 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Scam Alert


Early today I got the following scam alert warning from K. It seemed important enough to share with the rest of you. Hehehe!



d


Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around, but I have to admit that this one is important.


Please protect everyone you know and all the Answer people by posting this on Answers

If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and asks you to show them your bum, do NOT show them your bum. IT IS A SCAM - they only want to see your bum.


I wish I'd got this warning yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.


Respectfully yours,


K.

2006-10-27 00:41:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

ANSWER: porridge!!

2006-10-27 00:38:27 · 13 answers · asked by Mr Gravy 3

2006-10-27 00:37:15 · 23 answers · asked by f**kwit 1

each other, The first leper enquired: how are you thesedays?The second leper replied:Oh you know Mustn`t Crumble

2006-10-27 00:31:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

2006-10-27 00:27:39 · 7 answers · asked by arfa54321 5

A farmer buys a new bull from market, when he gets it home he puts it in the field with the cows to do it's thang, however the bull goes crazy and starts s******g the cows to death! The farmer panics and catches the bull, he puts it in the field with his donkey for the night but the bull starts to s**g it too, In desperation the farmer throws a tarpaulin over the donkey to deter the bull, all's well until the next morning when the farmer wakes, he sees the bull sleeping in the field, there's a big hole in the hedge and the donkey is nowhere to be seen, he runs down the road shouting the donkey's name and meets a man walking the other way "have you seen a donkey run down here with a tarpaulin over it?" he asks, the bloke reply's "no, but come to think of it I've just seen a donkey with a handkerchief sticking out of it's bum" :0)

2006-10-27 00:26:01 · 25 answers · asked by f**kwit 1

A lady in a nun's habit got into to taxi and noticed the driver staring at her so she asked what was the matter. He replied please don't be offended but I have alwayed had a fantasy about kissing a nun. So the lady said my son I am not offended, pull into the next alley and I 'll let you kiss me but first are you Catholic and are you single? The driver eagerly said yes to both questions. They pulled into an alley and the nun laid a kiss on him that would make a hooker blush. Later the driver started crying saying I have sinned, the nun said no you haven't . I 'm not a nun, I'm jewish, married and on my way to a halloween party and by the way my name is Kevin!

2006-10-27 00:16:47 · 12 answers · asked by Bella Donna 5

two legs sitting on three legs holding one leg four legs came in and took one leg so two legs threw three legs at four legs to get back one leg ..... whats the answer

2006-10-27 00:15:06 · 16 answers · asked by madcrazycow1 1

by her teacher for wetting herself in class,Why on earth didnt you put your hand up,asked the teacher,the tearful child replied: I did miss but it kept running through my fingers!

2006-10-27 00:10:09 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two computer fanatics stare at a woman and have a conversation:
A:Look what kind of "properties" she has.
B:Let her go.She is "read-only".

2006-10-26 23:51:42 · 6 answers · asked by bilezlatko 3

Two mates were standing in a bank when two armed robbers entered. They cleaned out the safe, and then they went around and ordered everyone to give up their valuables.
Just as the robbers got to the two mates, one of them turned to the other and, passing him a note, said, "By the way, Dave, here's that £20 I owe you."

2006-10-26 23:51:03 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde gets a job painting white lines on a road. The first day she paints six miles. The second she paints three and the thrid she paints one mile. Her boss calls her in and asks "you're not performing. each day you paint less lines. Why is this?
The blonde replies"I cant help it, each day i get further away from the bucket!!"

2006-10-26 23:48:56 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three explorers are captured by a cannibal tribe and they are taken to the cannibal king. He says he will not eat them if they go into the forest and retuirn with ten types of a fruit.
The explorers go off into the forest.
The first returns with apples.
"Now" the king says, "you must shove them up ur bu.tt, without making an expression on your face"The explorer gets one up but on the second he winces and get eaten and his soul goes to heaven.
The second returns with small berries and then takes the challenge. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 up no problem. When he gets to 9 he laughs, and he gets eaten and his soul goes to heaven.
The second soul joins the first in heaven and the first says""y did you laugh you could have survived!" The second says "i cant help it, i saw the third guy coming with Pineapples!"

2006-10-26 23:42:59 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

my friend told me this joke a while back....

there's an island where they keep convicts, and a few miles away another where there's a nunery. the convicts are desperate for women, and are masturbating everyday. after a while they get the idea to store all the sperm in barrels, and then just throw them into the sea. this way they keep the island clean. one day the nuns see many barrels floating in the ocean, and bring them ashore. 'it's a gift from god' they say as they open them and see a bunch of wax. they proceed to make candles, which they burn in their devotions. 9 months later all the nuns are pregnant.

2006-10-26 23:40:05 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr jones keeps falling asleep in church during the sermons. So Mrs.Jones goes to the priest for help. He gives her a safety pin and tells her to jab her husband whenever he gives the signal.
So the next day they are in church and sure enough mr.jones falls asleep. Priest says"And who came down from heaven to save all mankind??i He goves the signal and mrs.jones jabs her husband "JESUS!" he shouts. "Thats correct mr.jones"the priest says.
He falls asleep again! the priest says "Who is our creator" He gives another signal and mr.jones is poked again. "GOD" he shouts. "Correct Mr.Jones" Throughout the sermon mrs.jones keeps prodding him with the pin, thinking the priest was giving signals when he wasnt.
Then the priest says "And what did eve say to adam when she bore his 99th son?" Mrs.Jones jabs him with the pin and Mr.Jones shouts "IF U SHOVE THAT GOD DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME ILL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR A.SS!"

2006-10-26 23:32:25 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-26 23:30:47 · 12 answers · asked by pinki 1

he's all right now

2006-10-26 23:20:14 · 7 answers · asked by Andrew C 1

He took me frm the bar and put me in his car
He removed my top and put his lips on my mouth,
wat u dirty mind thinking of me ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Am just a bottle of wine !

2006-10-26 23:14:05 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now...

2006-10-26 23:13:04 · 29 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

....

2006-10-26 23:09:57 · 19 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

Fatty and Skinny were in the bath fatty blew off and skinny laughed,

Fatty and Skinny were in the bed Fatty Blew off and Skinny was dead.

Does any one know any of these jokes its just my younger brother loves them!?!?! and these are the only two he knows.

2006-10-26 23:05:33 · 17 answers · asked by carlaroberts18 3

Which ones in the army?.....The one on the tank of course!

2006-10-26 23:02:00 · 12 answers · asked by f**kwit 1