Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

I want the next 2 letters in this sequence.
A, OX, HVT, XAU, HVOT, TMU ? ?

2006-10-28 09:42:06 · 14 answers · asked by Chriatian IV 3

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

2006-10-28 09:17:39 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blonde a brunette and a ginger sitting in a pregnancy clinic waiting for the results
the bunnette says "if im pregnent its gonna be a girl cause i was on the bottom"
the ginger says "if im pregnant its gonna be a boy cause i was on the top"
the blonde lookes confused for a moment then says
"that means im gonna have puppies"

2006-10-28 08:58:08 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because they don't have any balls to scratch!

2006-10-28 08:55:58 · 6 answers · asked by Dotr 5

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...



Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him


FASTER...


FASTER...



BUMP...




BUMP...



BUMP...


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.



However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping





clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, the terrified man runs.


Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.



The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of Vicks formula 44 cough syrup!




Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...



and,




(hopefully you're really ready for this!!!)






The coffin stops!!!!

2006-10-28 08:50:34 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

make sure it is not rude!

2006-10-28 08:50:13 · 5 answers · asked by i love cats 1

I Was once walking through the forest alone and a tree fell right in front of me. And I didn't hear it.)
I read it in a local paper.It was written by a funny man.
I can't make head nor tail of it. Can you?

2006-10-28 08:49:07 · 21 answers · asked by mickeok 1

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks and the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.
One afternoon she lit up after some love-making and he said, "You really ought to quit".
She, getting tired of his naggings, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex".
He replied, "But they stunt your growth".
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.
Smiling, and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So what's your excuse?" :)

2006-10-28 08:47:50 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

and sat in the seat behind 2 old ladys!one of the men started to talk to his friend rather loudly: Emma come first,den i come den 2 asses come together i come once a-more ,two asses they come together again i come again a pee twice then one lasta time i COME.The old lady turned around and said i think you and him are the most depraved dirty foul mouthed animals me and my friend have ever had the misfortune to be in the same vicinity as, in all our lives and hit one of the men over the head with her handbag!WHOA WOS A WRONGA WIV U replied one of the men why you hitta me jus for tellin my friend howa u spella a MISSISSIPPI you madda olda cow.

2006-10-28 08:39:20 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

And God created woman...
She had two arms, two legs and three breasts
And it was good.

And God asked woman what she would change about herself
And she asked for her middle breast to be removed
And it was good.

She stood there with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob....

And God created man! :)

2006-10-28 08:38:14 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

DUMB BLONDEJOKE EVER?

2006-10-28 08:33:52 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Using one straight line write 9:50 pm using l0l0l0

2006-10-28 08:27:43 · 7 answers · asked by breenras 2

This couple were riding on a bus for their honeymoon. The only other people on the bus were a bunch of hunters. Well the bus breaks down in front of a nice hotel. The husband says “come on honey lets do it now at that hotel’ and she says, no I want to wait till we get to the destination. Bus gets going again and its not too long before it breaks down again, this time in front of an old hotel. Once again the husband turns to his wife and says, come on honey lets do it here, please. She rejects again. Well the bus gets going again and breaks down for the third time, this time in an open field. All of a sudden the wife grabs her husband, drags him off the bus and proceeds to have wild sex with him in the field. When they were done he asks her we broke down in front of both the hotel you didn't want to do it, why here in this field??
She replied “Well I was listening to the hunters talking and they said if the bus broke down one more time the fcuking season would be over”

2006-10-28 08:23:54 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6

How many retards does it take to screw in a light bulb
0 they can't they are retarted!!!!!
I hope this offends the ones that cried at the other joke

2006-10-28 08:23:02 · 4 answers · asked by slaphappypimp 3

We've all at one time or another given our best try at tongue twisters, have a look through this funny list and see how you do...

Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.

Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.

Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.

Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.

Six shiny snails sighed sadly.

Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.

Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.

Six seals slick sick seals.

How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer could deal dope?

Sheep shouldn't sleep in shacks.

I slitted a sheet, a sheet i slit now i sit on the sheet i slit.

I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.

Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore

Sure, the ship's ship-shape sir!

Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?

2006-10-28 08:22:54 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am a blade, but ironically I am cut by you.

2006-10-28 08:16:14 · 6 answers · asked by sunrisesover12th 2

Did you come? = Because I didn't.

I have something to tell you. = Get tested.

I'm a Romantic. = I'm poor.

I'll give you a call. = I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by wild dogs than see you again.

I never meant to hurt you. = I thought you weren't a virgin.

Trust me. = I'm cheating on you.

I love you. = You're a good lay.

I think we should just be friends. = You're ugly.

Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ***.

I want to make love to you. = Let's ****.

Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood.

We need to talk. = I'm pregnant.

I had a wonderful time last night. = Who the hell are you?

I've been thinking a lot. = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I've learned a lot from you. = Next!

I want a commitment. = I'm sick of masturbation.

I think we should see other people. = I have been seeing other people.

Let's get married. = Now can we ****?

We don't have to do anything until you are ready. = Put out or get out.

I feel it's time to express our love for each other. = Give me head.

I still think about you. = I miss the sex.

Is there something wrong? = Is it supposed to be this soft?

You're so mature. = I hope you're eighteen.

It's never been like this before. = It's my first time.

Yes...Yes...*scream!* = Aren't you done yet?

2006-10-28 08:13:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here's what happened to Bubba who had shingles:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles. The doctor asked, Where?

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them??"

2006-10-28 08:06:41 · 6 answers · asked by akelaamy 5

A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a sex from a nun."
The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."

"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.

"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"

"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."

2006-10-28 07:59:50 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

well tell him to hop it!!

2006-10-28 07:55:25 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tamilans reply!!!?
It is a tamil question!

2006-10-28 07:51:47 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Since i ate 3 crabs yesterday
Doc: did they smell when you took them out of the shell?
Paddy: What do you mean, took them out of the shell??

2006-10-28 07:49:49 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-28 07:42:48 · 30 answers · asked by mysticalviking 5

I think it must be the drink.
Paddy: Ok, i`ll come back when your`e sober.

2006-10-28 07:36:28 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fellow goes to a fortune teller who says "for 20 dollars , I'll read your future , you can ask three questions."
"about what?"
"about anything?" she says .
"isn't 20 dollars a lot of money ?"
"not too much.now what is your last question?"

2006-10-28 07:35:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

He bought Right Guard, but couldn`t find any Left Guard.

2006-10-28 07:27:56 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's a blonde and a red head sitting in a bar when the 6 o'clock news comes on saying a man was on top of a high rise building ready to jump...committing suicide. The red head says...."I bet you $50.00 he jumps". The blonde says....."I'll bet you he doesnt" The red head says..."oh really! Then lets make this MORE interesting. I bet you $100.00 he jumps" The blonde thinks about it for a few seconds then says...."YOUR ON! I bet you he doesnt! Then less than a minute later sure enough the man jumps.....committing suicide. The blonde says "Oh man!" She then reaches in her purse to give the red head the $100 dollars. The red head said..."Keep your money....I have a confession to make. I seen this same news footage on the 5 o'clock news" The blonde says "Well I did too! I just didnt think he'd be STUPID ENOUGH to do it again!"

I hope that brought a smile. :o)

2006-10-28 07:20:45 · 12 answers · asked by kiako 3

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

2006-10-28 07:14:25 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

"All right, i`ll get you some that is"

2006-10-28 07:13:16 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-28 07:03:21 · 8 answers · asked by yakkydoc 6