Does anyone have a good joke?

Question

I could use a laugh right now.

Thanks you guys are great.

Answer 1

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through
no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an
evil witch.
The curse was that the Prince could speak only
one word each year. However, he could save up
the words so that if he did not speak for a whole
year, then the following year he was allowed to
speak two words. (This was before the time of
letter writing or sign language.)
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips,
golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love.
With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain
from speaking for two whole years so that he could
look at her and say "my darling".
But at the end of the two years he wished to tell
her that he loved her.
Because of this he waited three more years
without speaking
(bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But at the end of these five years he realized that
he had to ask her to marry him.
So he waited ANOTHER four years without
speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy
knew no bounds.

Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded
and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden
the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap,
knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said
huskily,
"My darling,I love you! Will you marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair
behind a dainty ear,
opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting
her ruby lips, said:
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scroll down.............

3 hours ago
Well, guess what she said ..........

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.......come on, guess what could she have

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said..............

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...........well, she said..............

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"Pardom??''

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::There goes another 9 Yearx...::

Answer 2

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Answer 3

here's a dirty one I heard from a friend. All these nuns are waiting at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter is waiting at the gate and he asks the first Nun, " Sister have you ever touched a man's penis?" she says, " Yes but only once with my right hand" Peter says, " Wash you right hand in the water and you may enter the gates of heaven" The second nun comes up and Peter asks the same question the Nun says, "Yes but only once with my left hand" Peter replies," Wash your left hand in the water you may enter the gates of heaven" now the third nun comes up and peter asks the same question she says, " Well I uh, uh" and the nun behind her interrupts," Can I was my mouth out before she puts her a*ss in the water?" I got more dirty ones if you liked this one

Answer 4

There was a redneck out hunting with his dog,
he shot a duck the dog went running and hit a tree causing his eyes to go cross.
the hunter took him to the vet who told him he can fix it for $100.
after paying so much for the dog the hunter said ok, but wasn't happy about it.
the doc took a hose, put it up the dogs but and blew, lo and behold the eyes went back to normal.
next weekend the dog, hunter and a buddy of his are out hunting.
again hunter shoots a duck dog takes off and hits a tree, and
again the eyes go cross.
his buddy asked him if he was going to take him to the vet.
hunter said "no way, i saw what he did and i'm ready this time".
pulls a hose out, sticks it up the dogs but and blew and blew, but nothing happened.
his buddy steps up and says "here let me try, you must be doing it wrong". the buddy proceeds to pull out the hose and his bud goes "what are you doing"? "well" he said "i'm not going to blow on the same end you were"

Answer 5

haha good well i acquired a intercourse funny story for you desire you love it :) on listening to that her grandad had simply died kate went and visited her nan to alleviation her whilst she requested how he died her nan replyed via sayin that he had had a center assault at the same time makin love two her kate mentioned that it used to be foolish that two ancient persons in which havin intercourse because it used to be askin for main issue her nan replyed via sayin that they used to do it to the sluggish velocity of the church bells because it used to be simply the proper velocity she then wiped a tear from her eye and carryed on via sayin''if that dahmed ice cream van hadnt come alongside he could nonetheless be alive at present'' :) xxx

Answer 6

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating **** once in a while too.

Answer 7

this blonda walks into a libary and said um can i get a chesse burger and fries the lady said uh this is a libary the blonda wisper oh cand i have a cheese burger and fries.

Answer 8

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Answer 9

Gomer Pyle is with his girlfriend Bunny and he says, "Bunny, can I put my finger in your belly button?"

She answers, "Why Gomer, how forward, but I guess so."

A few minutes pass and Bunny says in a surprised tone, "Why Gomer, that isn't my belly button!"

Gomer answers exuberantly, "Sur----prise! Sur---prise!!!! That ain't my finger neither! Gollllllyyyyyy.......
lmao

Answer 10

"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."