Funniest jokes you have ever heard?

Question

All types accepted, humorous ones preferred.

Answer 1

Yo mamma's so fat, I told her to haul @$$ and she had to make three trips.

lol I heard it off of Yo Momma on mtv.

Answer 2

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving b*stards at the Post Office.

Answer 3

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Answer 4

Two men are hunting in the woods when one of them suddenly falls to the ground. He doesn't appear to be breathing. The second man pulls out his cell phone and dials 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says, "Okay, just take it easy. First let's make sure he's really dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line and says "Okay, now what?"

Answer 5

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through
no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an
evil witch.
The curse was that the Prince could speak only
one word each year. However, he could save up
the words so that if he did not speak for a whole
year, then the following year he was allowed to
speak two words. (This was before the time of
letter writing or sign language.)
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips,
golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love.
With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain
from speaking for two whole years so that he could
look at her and say "my darling".
But at the end of the two years he wished to tell
her that he loved her.
Because of this he waited three more years
without speaking
(bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But at the end of these five years he realized that
he had to ask her to marry him.
So he waited ANOTHER four years without
speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy
knew no bounds.

Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded
and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden
the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap,
knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said
huskily,
"My darling,I love you! Will you marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair
behind a dainty ear,
opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting
her ruby lips, said:
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scroll down.............

3 hours ago
Well, guess what she said ..........

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.......come on, guess what could she have

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said..............

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...........well, she said..............

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"Pardon??''

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::There goes another 9 Yearx...::

Answer 6

this is from Saturday night live most people don't think this is funny but I do.
We had an Uncle Caveman, we called him Uncle Caveman cuz he lived in a cave, every once in awhile he'd eat one of us, until we realized he was a bear.
Here's a classic, Why isn't there a pregnant barbi, cuz Ken cums in a seperate box

Answer 7

I would have to e-mail it to you, as it violates community standards and I am already skating on the thin edge of the wedge

Answer 8

did you hear about this guy playn golf well he takes a swing and end up hitting it down into a gully well so he walks down too that gully and finds his ball infont of a bloke who's on all fours and a bloke behind him with his dick up the bloke **** who's on all fours He says WHAT ARE U DOING well the bloke kneeling with his dick up the other blokes **** says this poor mans having a heart attack WELL SHOULD'NT U BE GIVING HIM MOUTH 2 MOUTH well the bloke looked up and said how do u think this **** got started !

Answer 9

bear and rabbit were sh it ting in the woods,bear turned to rabbit and said "rabbit do you have trouble with sh it sticking to your fur"?rabbit said" no,no bear i never had that trouble"so bear picked him up and wiped his arss with him.
this joke is so funny to me because i use it to drown people out when they start fighting,for instance,every time my sister and husband invite me for dinner they fight the whole time so I started saying this joke very loudly repeatedly until they stopped Now I don't get past bear and rabbit were shitting in the woods and they stop,if they try to start again I pick up where I left off.

Answer 10

a big guy walks in a bar and sees a man sitting depresed.he takes the sitting mans drink,and the tells the guy that he would buy him a drink.the guy goes,"no,its all right.i was thinkin of comiting suicide.""so why didnt you?""oh,i was gonna.you just drank my poisoned drink".