Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

I need a good knock-knock joke that my five year old brother can tell.

2006-10-10 15:37:09 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-10 15:29:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-10 15:10:46 · 16 answers · asked by preeteshanjay 1

2006-10-10 15:10:00 · 4 answers · asked by preeteshanjay 1

What question should i ask?

2006-10-10 14:53:56 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A preacher was standing outside on a very rainy day. Soon, it became apparent that there was going to be a flood. The preacher stood there watching it start to rise around him. When the water reached his mid-calf, a man in a car drove up to him and said, "Hey, do you need a ride out of here? The Preacher said,"No son, God will save me." The man shook his head and drove away. When the water reached his mid section a man in a fishing boat came up to him and asked if he wanted to climb in. The preacher replied again, "No son, God will save me." The man paddled away. When the water reached his chin, a man in a helicopter flew down and offered him a lift out of there. Again, the preacher said,"No son, God will save me." So the man flew away. The water then flooded the preacher and drowned him. When he got to heaven he asked God,"God, why didn't you save me?" and the Lord replied,"I sent, you a car, a boat, and a helicopter. What more do you want from me?"

2006-10-10 14:53:48 · 7 answers · asked by tearsnomore2005 2

There were two nuns..
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened! &nbs p;
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us
both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run
faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!

2006-10-10 14:53:41 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do michael jackson and video game consoles have in common?

-answer: they both get turned on by little kids!

2006-10-10 14:48:42 · 6 answers · asked by Frank 3

Men are like fine wine...they start out as grapes...
It's our job to stamp on them, then keep them in the dark until they mature and hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.

MEN-tal Anxiety.......MEN-tal cruelty......MEN-tal breakdown
MEN-OPAUSE!

What's the best way to kill a man?
(Put a naked blonde and a 6pack in front of him - then tell him to pick one) :)
----------------------------------------------
(Take a look at my other jokes - maybe one of them will bring a smile to your face) By the way I have been very happily married to my hubby for the past 35yrs in case you thought I don't like men - someone said in reply to one of my jokes "I was being hostile" - not at all - just like taking the p*** :)

2006-10-10 14:38:04 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-10 14:33:08 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It
seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

2006-10-10 14:28:23 · 20 answers · asked by kate 2

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.

In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.'Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''That must have hurt,' said the judge.'No kidding,' said the best man. 'I broke three of my fingers.'

2006-10-10 14:24:50 · 16 answers · asked by kate 2

2006-10-10 14:22:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

This fairy tale MUST be read to all little girls by the age of 4 and re-read over and over from the age of 4-100!

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful independent, self-assured princess came upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle...
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome price untill an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn into a dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautied frog legs, seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself.........
"I DON'T F*****G THINK SO!" :)

2006-10-10 14:19:15 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-10 14:15:10 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.Why do women become smarter during sex?
(Because they are plugged into a genius)

2.Why don't women blink during sex?
(They don't have enough time )

3.Why does it take 1million sperm to fertilize one egg?
(They don't stop to ask for directions)

4.Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
(Because their b***s fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock

5.Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6.Why did God make men before women?
(You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7.How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
(Don't know - it's never happened)

8.Why did God put man on earth?
(Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart, then you are just an old sour fart! :)

2006-10-10 14:06:00 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

any one have any embarresing stories!? bc im really bored! just temm em all u got! they can be really funny and embarresing! REMEMBER IM BORED! thanks! ha

2006-10-10 13:57:22 · 8 answers · asked by ANNE 2

I need the answer for this riddle. OK here it is.

A mother gave birth to two baby boys on the same day and the same year. But their NOT TWINS. What are they?? Please i need an answer for this. It's for my English Class.

2006-10-10 13:56:49 · 11 answers · asked by ipodkrazy 2

An elderly couple, Roy and Bessie, recently moved to Texas. Roy had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly into the house, he says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Roy storms off to the bedroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks a little louder this time "Notice anything different now?!!?" Bessie looks up and says, "It's hanging down today... it was hanging down yesterday...it'll be hanging down tomorrow."
Furious, Roy yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKIN AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!" to which Bessie replies "Shoulda bought a hat, Roy. Shoulda bought a hat. :)

2006-10-10 13:38:33 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would need to enter a password....something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention...
So when the computer asked him to enter his password he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter as he typed...
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:-
***PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH***

2006-10-10 13:28:02 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Baby bear sits in her little chair@the table.She looks into her little bowl.Empty."Who's been eating my porridge?!"Daddy bear sits in his big chair.He looks into his big bowl-also empty."Who's been eating my porridge?!he roars.Mummy bear puts her head through the serving hatch and yells.."For f***s sake how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?It was Mummy bear who got up first.It was Mummy bear who woke up everyone in the house.It was Mummy bear who made the coffee.It was Mummy bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night&put everything away.It was Mummy bear who went out in the cold to fetch the newspaper.It was Mummy bear who set the damn table.It was Mummy bear who put the friggin cat out,cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water&food dish&now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs&grace Mummy bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence listen good cause I'm only going to say this ONCE more...
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F*****G PORRIDGE!

2006-10-10 13:22:29 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-10 13:14:08 · 15 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

Little Johnny was in class one day.
"today's word is Fasinate, who can put Fasinate into a sentance for me?" Asked his teacher. Johnny put up his hand.
Good, the teacher thought, there's nothing dirty he can make from this word. So she called Johnny to the front of the class.
"We had a new neighbour move in over the weekend with really big jugs," Said Johnny. "Her shirt had ten buttons on the front, but she could only Fasten eight of them."

2006-10-10 13:05:54 · 6 answers · asked by kittycat_cc14 3

Blasted a few here in the past few days. Yes, i am bored (before you ask), and no, I'm not sick, just trying to see how far the jokes can be pushed. Tks.

2006-10-10 12:45:40 · 28 answers · asked by Jazz 4

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back: as a chicken."

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day here"

"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never," said Ralph. "Well, just relax and let it happen."

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout,

"Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!"

2006-10-10 12:39:15 · 15 answers · asked by Linda 3

A minister decided to improve on the church's finances.

One Sunday morning, he announced that whoever placed the largest financial gift into the collection plate could choose 3 hymns.

After the collection was taken up,the minister happily announced the oldest member of the congregation, a sprightly 92 year old had won the privilege.

She was asked to come up to the altar to choose the 3 hymns.

Once up the aisle, she turned to face the congregation, looked at them carefully, and happily said:

I'll have him and him and him."

.

2006-10-10 12:33:54 · 5 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

I have 2 Labrador Retrievers & I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.


A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I
was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before
I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.


I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.


Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.


I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

2006-10-10 12:32:44 · 7 answers · asked by Linda 3

First year med students were receiving their 1st real anatomy class with a dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered by a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them "In medicine, it is important to have 2 very important qualities as a doctor, the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body. For an example, the professor pulled back the white sheet and stuck his finger up the butt of the corpse and then put it into his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing" he said to his students. The students freaked out and hesitated for afew minutes. Eventually they all took turns in sticking their finger in the butt of the corpse and sucking on it. When everyone was finished, the professor stopped and looked at them and said "The second most important quality is Observation, I stuck my middle finger in , and sucked on my index finger" "Now learn to pay attention"

2006-10-10 12:29:06 · 19 answers · asked by Linda 3

For a classroom.

2006-10-10 12:21:15 · 12 answers · asked by chargirl. 1

OK, there was a man at a bar just staring at his drink. He stays lie that for a half an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

hhahahah funny, huh??

2006-10-10 12:17:02 · 26 answers · asked by what?! 3