Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

Should I eat it slowy? Should I eat it fast? Should I not eat it at all and just play in it with a spoon?

2006-10-10 06:29:05 · 14 answers · asked by icyhott4urmind 1

If you copied & pasted, include site.

Incorrect grammar and punctuation will NOT BE looked at.

Ready, set, JOKE!

2006-10-10 06:28:50 · 15 answers · asked by cristaline 2

The are only three words in English dictionary that ends with letters "GRY". One is ANGRY, second is HUNGRY. Everybody uses the third word. Everyone knows what it mean and what it is for. If you carefully read the statement above, i've already gave you the third word. Now, WHAT IS THE THIRD WORD?

2006-10-10 06:25:10 · 23 answers · asked by me 2

An atheist was walking through the woods. He said
to himself:
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!!!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and
even credit creation to cosmic accident."
"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to
suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the
BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head
& spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through
Christ our Lord, Amen"

2006-10-10 06:19:25 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-10 06:17:18 · 7 answers · asked by rbob523 2

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take thatchance."

2006-10-10 06:11:18 · 24 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

please nothing to long
the one that makes me laugh most will get ten points

2006-10-10 05:49:35 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home , taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor , Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief ," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"


DAT KID THEY CALL TIM

2006-10-10 05:47:11 · 8 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

A reporter gets a call to go and cover a hit-and-run accident. The reporter reaches the but cannot see who or what was the victim cause there's alot of pedeatrians surroundind the victim. So he comes up with this brilliant plan to pass through the crowd. He starts bawling hysterically, " Whoy mi mada dead. Whoi let mi through. Whoi mi waah si mi mada. Whoi let me through, let me through. Whoi mi mada. (Jamaican dialect.) So the pedestrians move aside and let's him through. He continues Whoi mi... He get's through the crowd only to see a dead donkey on the ground. Now come to think of it, he must have felt like a real jackass. Who' ur mother?

2006-10-10 05:44:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Put the names in the order you think they should go in. The person that gets most names in the right spots wins. (ie: i have picked a spot for each name to go in, ben might be 3, jack might be 7,) Random names are:

sue, jane, lisa, anne, julia, betty, karen, renee.

2006-10-10 05:37:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
>love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
>
>"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to
>me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.
>I want a divorce straight away!"
>
>And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you
>what
>happened"
>"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll
>say to me!"
>And he began:
>"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady
>here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless
>that I took pity on her and let her into the car. noticed that she was
>very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
>
>She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my
>compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for
>you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll
>put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
>
>Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she
>was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes
>so I threw them away.
>
>Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have
>had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
>I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which
>you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
>
>I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
>don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you
>bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work
>has a pair like them.."
>
>He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my
>understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me
>with tears in her eyes
>and said '"Please........do you have anything else that your wife
>doesn't use?'



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2006-10-10 05:31:20 · 12 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

Pick a word. Choose one of the following words in the list, the person that gets the word i chose wins. If a person has 2 or more guesses, then i will only take their first guess.

cat, dog, pony, turtle, snake, rat, bear, sheep.

2006-10-10 05:30:49 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pick a number between 1 and 20, 1st to get the same number i have chosen wins. If a person has 2 or more guesses, then i will only take their first guess.

2006-10-10 05:28:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I keep hearing that from a family member.

2006-10-10 05:28:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Choose an animal. 1st to pick the same animal i did wins it. If a person has 2 or more guesses, then i will only take their first guess.

panther, cheeta, lion, tiger, bobcat, leopard, lioness, jaguar.

2006-10-10 05:27:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fill in the blank. If a person has 2 or more guesses, then i will only take their first guess.

Brown ______

2006-10-10 05:24:49 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

When the Beach Boys sang about their "woodie" what were they referring to? A hint.......it was not part of the male anatomy.

2006-10-10 05:17:41 · 6 answers · asked by barrettins 3

Which of the following statements are true?

1. At least one of these ten statements is false.
2. At least two of these ten statements are false.
3. At least three of these ten statements are false.
4. At least four of these ten statements are false.
5. At least five of these ten statements are false.
6. At least six of these ten statements are false.
7. At least seven of these ten statements are false.
8. At least eight of these ten statements are false.
9. At least nine of these ten statements are false.
10. At least ten of these ten statements are false.

2006-10-10 05:08:11 · 15 answers · asked by msbedouin 4

A man was washing windows on a high-rise office building when he slipped and fell off a 60 foot ladder onto the concrete path below. Incredibly, he did not injure himself in any way. How was this possible?

2006-10-10 05:02:23 · 24 answers · asked by laura2804uk 2

Did you hear about the guy that drowned in a vat of muesli ??

Apparently he was pulled under by a strong current !

2006-10-10 04:59:11 · 41 answers · asked by Miss Tickle 4

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:
We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear nametags because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building called a wrecking hall; but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it's all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good.

There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

As you go into their park, there is a dollhouse with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night, Early Birds. Some of the people are so retarded that they don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "pot luck."

My Grandma says Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the dollhouse won't let them out.

2006-10-10 04:48:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A college jock, a fireman, and a woman all apply to the CIA. The recruiter takes the jock into a room. "We want you, but first you must pass a test to see if you will put the CIA first in your life." He hands the jock a gun. "Your wife sits behind that door. Go inside, shoot her, and come back for your first assignment. The jock shudders and walks away shaking his head.

Next the recruiter brings in the fireman. He gives him the same spiel. The fireman takes the gun, starts to the door, but stops. "I can't do it, he says, handing back the gun.

Finally, the recruiter brings in the woman. Before he can finish his talk, she grabs the gun, walks inside, and slams the door shut. You hear her husband say, "Honey?" Then you hear shots and eventually a series of horrible screams and thuds.

Bloodspattered, the woman returns. The recruiter seems stunned and he asks, "What happened?"

The woman responds, "Why didn't you say the gun had blanks? I had to beat him to death with the chair.

2006-10-10 04:40:36 · 12 answers · asked by Laura D 2

Solve this.

2006-10-10 04:33:39 · 16 answers · asked by hh 1

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

2006-10-10 04:30:56 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back "If you don''t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"

"I''ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a f*****g tool when I needed to borrow one!"

2006-10-10 04:28:43 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are three builders, an englishman, an irishman and a scotsman. they are all complaining about their wives terrible sandwiches as usual.

one day the scotsman stands up and shouts that he is so sick of his wifes terrible snadwiches he is going to throw himself off the top of the building.

The englishman stands up and decides he too would rather die than eat another crappy sandwich and follows the scot off the cliff.

Paddy the irish man drinks the last of his guiness and decides to jump off the building after his friends shouting about his wifes terrible sandwiches as he goes.

At the funeral the wives are all howling. oh if only id known my sarnies were soo terrible id have made him something else!

then paddys wife says 'but paddy made his own sandwiches'!

2006-10-10 04:27:57 · 18 answers · asked by kiki_dees 3

2006-10-10 04:26:20 · 28 answers · asked by tee_hee_ssh 3

An Englishman,Scotsman,Irishman they all have stutters ,so they all decide to go to a speech therapist who is a tall sexy young blonde.The therapist says that if any of them can tell her where the were born,without stuttering, she will make 'love' to them.
First up,the Englishman, he says "PPPPPPPPPPPPortmouth".....next,the Scotsman, "DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDundee"...last,the Irishman, he says "London" ,b4 you know the therapist has his and her clothes off and making sweet love...the Irishman then says "DDDDDDDerry"...............

2006-10-10 04:26:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-10 04:16:41 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-10 04:14:10 · 15 answers · asked by spens dad! 2