Who will win 10 points for posting the best JOKE?!?

Question

If you copied & pasted, include site.

Incorrect grammar and punctuation will NOT BE looked at.

Ready, set, JOKE!

Answer 1

Women's Ar*e Size Survey
There is a new study report out about women and how they feel about their asses!
The results were pretty interesting: 85% of women think their *** is too fat.
10% of women think their *** is too skinny.
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway!

Answer 2

Can I post more then one? I'm going to post two, if thats not aloud then please only look at the first one. Sorry not the best at punctuation and grammar. And I'm not that good at telling them.

This man and his wife were sitting on there porch it was kind of hot out, the man commented on the heat,
"Well then why don't you run down to the groccery store and get us some ice cream?" the woman asked.
"I think I will" and the man got up toward the door.
"You better write it down! Or you'll forget!" she called over her shoulder.
"I don't need to write it down, I can remember." he said.
A while latter he came back with two sandwiches. The woman took hers opened it and said "You mule head I wanted pickles on mine!"

For a present a man got a parrot, with a awefully bad vocabulary, name calling, swearing, ect. The man thought, I just need to be nice to him and he'll calm down. But oh no that parrot just got worse! So one day the man was so exasperaited he stuffed the bird in the freezer. After a while the bird began to calm down. The man scared he had killed the bird, but the parrot steped out pretty has you please and apoligised for his bad ways. The man asked "What made you change your mind?"
"Well" the parrot said "May I ask what all thoughs other birds in there did?"

Hope you start laughing!

Answer 3

A hunchback applies to the for the job as bell ringer at the top of a seven story tall church tower. As the Cardinal watches, the hunchback runs toward the bell and crashes straight into it with his face, causing it to loudly toll. He then staggers backward and falls out the open window to the street below. A crowd gathers around the body of the hunchback as the Cardinal races down and stands over his body in disbelief. Somebody asks the Cardinal, "Who is this man?"
The Cardinal looks up, scratching his head and replies, "I do not know who he is...But I do know that his face definitely rings a bell!"

Answer 4

A Woman sees a beautiful parrot in the pet shop window, with a sign that says 1/2 off. Curious she goes in and asks the owner, whats wrong with that parrot???
He replies , its a used parrot that came from a bordello,
where the owner died.
She asks does he talk/ swear? The owner says, Ive heard him speak allot and never swear.
So the woman buys the bird and takes him home, where the bird says " New house, New madam" the woman laughs this off. Soon the woman's two girls come home form school and the bird says " New house, New madam, New girls" , again the woman laughs this off.
Then her husband walks in and the birds scwalks
" Hi Joe how you Been """"""""""""""""

Answer 5

There was an expert accountant who was well versed in the game theory. He once hears that his intelligent niece, who is five years old, always takes a nickel, when a choice between a nickel and a dime is offered. He explains to his niece "You must understand, dime is twice as valuable as a nickel, so always choose a dime." The niece tells "Uncle, but then people will not offer me any money."

Answer 6

Elephant shaggy dog tale a guy went to a urologist and instructed him that he became having a situation and that he became unable to get his penis erect. After an entire examination the physician instructed the guy that the muscle tissues around the backside of his penis have been broken from a prior viral an infection and there became not something he ought to do for him. in spite of if, he knew of an experimental treatment that could artwork, if he have been prepared to take the prospect. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk interior the guy's penis. the guy thought approximately it for a mutually as. the thought-approximately dealing with existence without ever experiencing intercourse lower back became in simple terms too lots for him to undergo. So, with the insurance that there could be no cruelty or detrimental result on the elephant, the guy desperate to choose for it. some weeks after the operation, he became given the fairway easy to apply his newly renovated equipment. subsequently, he planned a romantic evening together with his lady pal and took her to between the nicest eating places interior the city. in spite of if, interior the process dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that endured to the element of being quite painful. To launch the rigidity, he unzipped his fly and at contemporary his penis sprang from his pants, went to the desirable of the table, grabbed a roll, in spite of this to his pants. His lady pal became taken aback at first, yet then with a sly smile on her face stated: "That became staggering. are you able to try this lower back?" together with his eyes watering, he responded: "i think of i will, yet i'm uncertain if i will in fantastic condition yet another roll up my a**e!."

Answer 7

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10lb weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "if you can catch me you can have me". without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he wieghs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb, as promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20lb program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning beautiful sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "if you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her. but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20lb as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50lb program. "are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "this is our most rigorous program"
"absolutely" he replies "i haven't felt this good in years"
The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it, he finds this huge muscular 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read: "im francis. if i catch you , you're mine"............

Answer 8

There are three guys. One is named Manners, One is name Shut-Up, and One is named Poop. One day they were walking in the forest. Poop went out to get ice cream, but got lost along the way. Manners went to look for him and Shut-Up called the police station. Shut-Up said that his friend was missing in the woods. The police officer asked him, " Sir, what is your name?" He responded, " Shut-Up." The police officer asked once more, only to hear " Shut-Up" again. The police officer then asked, " Where are your manners?" Shut-Up responded, " In the woods, looking for Poop."

Answer 9

First off I'm from Iowa. So here ya go. You have to imagine a really old couple driving on a Sunday afternoon and the Old lady is really deaf and her husband is screaming his answer back to her!

Old couple were driving down in Missouri and the Old Lady is driving and her husband is in the passenger seat.

Cop pulls them over and goes to the window and asks to see her drivers license...

Old Lady: Whatd he say?
Husband: Hed like to see your license

A min goes by and he asks for her registration.

Old Lady: Whatd he say?
Husband: He like to see your registration.

A min later cop says I see you live in Iowa.

Old Lady: Whatd he say?
Husband: He says were from Iowa.

Another min later and cop says " I had the worst peice of *** from Iowa!

Old Lady: Whatd he say?
Husband: HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!

Answer 10

the only joke i canthink of is kinda racy but here goes- ( i heard this from a scottsman) what does a scotsman wear under his kilts? - lipstick if he's lucky1