Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

the bar tender says to him "Do you know you have a wheel down your pants?
"yeah" he says "it's driving me nuts"

I love this joke I heard it the other day and thought I would share it with you.

2006-10-10 00:30:10 · 12 answers · asked by Rachel 7

a dried plum or a wet herring?

2006-10-10 00:24:46 · 30 answers · asked by markhatter 6

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."


A voice from near the front pierces the silence...


"Well, stop f***ing clapping then!"

2006-10-10 00:22:28 · 9 answers · asked by Lisa 3

It was in the dark sky,
Just her and I.
I knew what she wanted;
I tried my best.
So then I placed my hand on her breast.
It was then I knew what she wanted to do.
She spread her legs,
I felt no shame.
Because then the white stuff,
Slowly came.
So it's done now;
My first time,
Milking a cow!

2006-10-10 00:01:13 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

fslucesimas

2006-10-09 23:38:29 · 6 answers · asked by taanya k 1

a chandelier or a knob jockey?

2006-10-09 23:18:56 · 16 answers · asked by markhatter 6

one day a man saw in his dream that he is playing with ps2 and he killed his wife in game when he woke up he saw his wife is alive he told to himself
alas for me i forgot to save it !

2006-10-09 22:50:29 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

if you don't know what it is, don't bother asking, some just know, others never will.

When i first met my husband he told me the brick joke. I couldn't believe it, I had never met anyone outside of my family who knew the brick joke. it was destiny.

2006-10-09 22:25:56 · 20 answers · asked by ? 5

a yawn or a sneeze?

2006-10-09 22:13:49 · 23 answers · asked by markhatter 6

The best way is civilization.What do you think?

2006-10-09 22:05:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Harry and Mavis, both in their eighties, started dating. Dinner, theatre, walks and eventualy a cosy night together. Afterwards Harry said, " if i'd known she was a virgin i'd have been easier on her ", Mavis said, " if i'd known he could still manage it , i'd have taken my tights off "..............

2006-10-09 21:58:17 · 18 answers · asked by pat.rob00 Chef U.K. 6

"The circle"

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

2006-10-09 21:44:41 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which was fortunately attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope . . .

2006-10-09 21:16:49 · 7 answers · asked by LAUGHING MAGPIE 6

How *not* to make a hole in the ice.

A guy buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for 30 some thousand
dollars and has 400+ dollar monthly payments. He immediately
gets hold of his friend to do some male bonding. They want
to go duck hunting, but at this time of year all of the
lakes are frozen.

These 2 Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog,
the beer and, of course, the new vehicle. They drive out onto
the ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a
natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys
to float on. Remember, it's all ice and in order to make a hole
large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to
fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort
than an ice hole drill.

Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of
dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse.

Now these 2 Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that
if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location
far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee),
they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they try to run
from the burning fuse and take a chance on going up in smoke
with the resulting blast. So they decide to light this 40 second
fuse and throw the dynamite, and that's what they end up doing.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the
vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG ???? Yes, the dog.
A highly-trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially
things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a full tilt boogie across
the ice and gets to the stick of dynamite just a couple of
seconds after it hits the ice. He picks it up and starts to
return it to our heroes, and can't figure out why they're
stomping, yelling, and waving their arms. But, after all,
they're humans, so the dog isn't too worried.

Happily performing his doggy duty, Fido bounces toward his
master with the sizzling stick of dynamite, when one of the
guys starts to think, something that he has never done before
this moment. He grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. The
shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to
stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds. The Dog stops for
a moment, stung and bewildered, and then starts forward again.

Another shot rings out and this time the dog, shaken but still
standing, becomes really alarmed. Thinking these 2 Nobel Prize
winners have gone insane, he takes off to find cover, with the
now *really* short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite.

So where does the dog hide? Underneath the brand new Grand
Cherokee, of course.

BOOM !

The dog caught the very next train to Puppy Heaven, and the
brand new Grand Cherokee, 30 some thousand dollar and 400+
monthly payment, sank to the bottom of the lake, leaving
these 2 candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe
standing there with this "I can't believe this happened"
look on their faces.

Later, the owner of the vehicle tells his insurance company
what happened, and the insurance company tells him that - big
surprise - sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of
explosives is _not_ covered. (He had yet to make the first
of those 400+ a month payments either.)

It still doesn't seem like adequate payback for what they did
to that dog, though. When they made the movie Fargo they
should have waited a few more months and this could have
been added into it.

2006-10-09 20:29:22 · 9 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

yes it means that there are different meanings of sprite but what it is tell me and get the 10 points.

2006-10-09 20:26:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

U can arrange this letter in 3 words :
EUENYMROIA

2006-10-09 20:07:22 · 32 answers · asked by Bittu 1

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

2006-10-09 19:35:22 · 9 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

Last time, we had this following riddle:

Which part of the car is most tired (hint: not tires)?
A: The exhaust pipe!

Heheh. And here is today's riddle:

What happened to the paper company that went broke?

Have fun! :)

2006-10-09 19:30:26 · 9 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

One day a teacher was giving a lecture on philosophy, and had the class enthralled. It was a brilliant lecture. Suddenly, over his head a bright light flashed and an angel came down and approached the teacher. She said, "You are doing such a good job teaching this class, I have decided to give you one wish. You can have infinite money, infinite wisdom, or infinite knowledge."

Thinking for a minute, he humbly asked for infinite wisdom. She tapped him with a magic wand and disappeared in a flash. The class leaned forward to hear the first words from a man with infinite wisdom.

He said, "It would have been wiser to take the money..."

2006-10-09 19:19:14 · 8 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

2006-10-09 18:52:52 · 17 answers · asked by liljimis 3

2006-10-09 18:52:17 · 13 answers · asked by liljimis 3

2006-10-09 18:48:55 · 6 answers · asked by liljimis 3

1) I am full of holes, yet I can hold water. What am I?
2) I turn everything around, but I do not move. What am I?

2006-10-09 18:38:01 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

M CE
M CE
M CE

hint: part of a ryhme that almost every kid learns in kindergarten.

2006-10-09 18:37:12 · 13 answers · asked by BAJ 3

besides being between state lines and similar things... how does one be in two places at once???

2006-10-09 18:18:00 · 12 answers · asked by driftwood 1

this is what it looks like:
Do: Dont:
hate -- love
cat-- dog
car-- truck
war -- peace
red -- pink
11 -- eleven
safe -- danger

the answer s one thing. not one thing for each. the answer is not opposites. for example:
do: dont
dog -- cat
tree -- machine

the answer to that would be bark. a dog barks and a tree has bark where as a cat does not , hence the reason it is under the dont, and a machine does not.
this is very hard and i cant figure it out, so if u know the answer please tell me. i searched for it and couldnt find it either.

2006-10-09 18:08:42 · 8 answers · asked by riddlessuck 1

the pants or shorts with words on the butt that some women wear should have an age restriction. Let me explain;
If your legs look like the road map of california, you aint no "BABY DOLL". if your butt looks like a volkwagon after a hailstorm, you aint "JUICY"

2006-10-09 18:07:59 · 24 answers · asked by glacier 4

please..please..accept this...:)
hgday..:)

2006-10-09 17:56:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
A: Nail it's other hand to the floor.

Q: What's red and sits in the corner?
A: A baby chewing a razor blade!

Q: What's blue and wiggles?
A: A baby in a plastic bag.

Q: What's green and doesn't?
A: Same baby three weeks later.

Q: What do the gynaecologist and the pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it!

Q. What is better than winning a medal at the Paraplegic-olympics?
A. Having two legs.

Q. Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A. He didn't have any arms.

Q: Did you here about the dyslexic Satanist......
A: He sold his soul to Santa

Q: What's white, sticky, and hangs from the clouds?
A: The second coming.

Q: What's the difference between an abortion and sand?
A: You can't eat sand.

Q: How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
A: Why the **** should we fix it? We never use it!

Q: What is a period?
A: A bloody waste of time.

Q: What's brown and gurgles?
A: A baby in a casserole.

2006-10-09 17:33:30 · 25 answers · asked by Jazz 4

define a japanese word...OMANGKO..thx in advance...:)

2006-10-09 17:31:44 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous