Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

1. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.


2. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


3. Don't worry.... it only seems kinky the first time.


4. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.


5. A closed mouth gathers no foot.


6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


7. No one is listening until you fart

2006-09-28 01:32:43 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ''I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?''
''Why sure,'' said the manager, ''we have something that works especially well for that.''

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. ''No, no! A little to the left,'' said the other blonde inside the car.

2006-09-28 01:30:56 · 19 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

A chap is on a bus when he feels a bump in the road. He asks the driver what it was. The driver replies that he ran over a cat. They go a bit further along and there is another bump. Again the man asks the driver what it was and the driver replies that he ran over a dog. A little further along there is two bumps. The guy again asks the driver what it was and the driver replies that he ran over a Pakistani. The guy replies that he felt two bumps. The drivers replies 'well, I had to go up the kerb to get him'.

2006-09-28 01:29:36 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

Im going to give you the punchline to my favourite joke. I want you to give me the question.....

2006-09-28 01:26:34 · 8 answers · asked by nice_use 2

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's Friends"

2006-09-28 01:20:32 · 19 answers · asked by flicflac 3

I really need to find a good joke shop

2006-09-28 01:20:07 · 3 answers · asked by GeekNTraining 2

There was a young girl from Chester...

2006-09-28 01:13:03 · 29 answers · asked by Alicat 6

i think on the internet he is more populare than G W BUSH

for those don't knowing him ..

http://etreuneblogstar.over-blog.com/article-3987120.html

2006-09-28 01:03:50 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is it going to Heaven or to the cyber space ?

2006-09-28 00:50:52 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The Ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry sir," Said the Ticket agent, "We can't allow animals In the theatre."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed The bird in his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket, entered the theatre and sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
" Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge. "This guy next to me is sick."
"What makes you think so?" Asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about It," said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."
"I thought so too," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn.

2006-09-28 00:45:05 · 14 answers · asked by Pd 6

Anyone got any bad/crude/sex/dirty jokes ?

2006-09-28 00:31:05 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dustman knocks on a japenese mans door , The jap says "Harro, wot you want"? Dustman asks "Wheres ya dustbin?".."I dust bin on loo!" says jap, "No,no mate,wheres ur wheelie bin ?" "Hokay, i wheelie bin havin a *ank!"...

2006-09-28 00:30:23 · 23 answers · asked by marie c 1

British Airways

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to
welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the
Atlantic."
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,
you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that
the port wing has fallen off."
"If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little
yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your
captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a
recorded message."

2006-09-28 00:24:01 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Delta Airlines

At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding
announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address
system saying,
"We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board
from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.
Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570
would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So again we gathered our
carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke "Thank
You for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."

2006-09-28 00:22:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 boys living next to each other chatting at the fence. 1st boy"Were do you get that watch?" 2nd boy. "Wait till your parents make love and then go in the room and ask. They will say yes just to get rid of you." 1st boy run into the room and asks " I want a watch?" "Sure" his dad says,"pull up a chair and watch!"

2006-09-28 00:20:47 · 2 answers · asked by zorro 2

How does a bloke keep a woman screaming after climax.?
He wipes his willy on the curtains...

Why is it that a single woman dosent fart?
She dosent get an a$$hole till she gets married...

Female dwarf goes to the doctors sayiny her pu$$Y is sore...Doc looks and says "pass them scissors ," After snippin away for a few mins doc says is that better? Dwarf says "great what did you do? Doc says "just cut the top of your wellies"!!..

2006-09-28 00:17:02 · 27 answers · asked by marie c 1

2006-09-28 00:07:24 · 9 answers · asked by Jackson D 1

2006-09-27 23:35:45 · 30 answers · asked by Alicat 6

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Father: Sure son, what's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Father: Well, let's use our home as an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We take care of your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother we will call the future. Do you understand?

Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the key hole, saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed.

The next morning:

Son: Dad, now I think I understand politics.

Father: That's great, son. Explain it to me in your own words.

Son: Well Dad, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep. The people are being completely ignored and the future is full of ****.

2006-09-27 23:27:29 · 18 answers · asked by MS.KNOW IT ALL 3

To stop them falling out of bed during the night

2006-09-27 23:27:07 · 3 answers · asked by Susie2 4

On one side of the river you have a lion and a lettuce. On the other side you have a goat and a worm. In the middle a boat. How do you transport them so all end up on one side of the river without one eating the other? e.g. the lion eat goat. worm/goat eat lettuce etc.

2006-09-27 23:05:35 · 4 answers · asked by zorro 2

I know you always have the best jokes.
Got any new ones for me?

2006-09-27 22:07:21 · 5 answers · asked by hey_finny 3

2006-09-27 22:05:35 · 4 answers · asked by hey_finny 3

(1)name three consecutive days without using the words:monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday, sunday.

i still dint get tis:-
(2)a magician was boasting one day at how long he could hold his breath under water.his record was 6 minutes. a kid that was listening said,"thats nothing i can stay underwater for 10 minutes using no equipment or air pockets!" the magician told the kid if he could do that,he'd give him $10,000.the kid did it and won the money.can you figure out how??

2006-09-27 21:44:37 · 10 answers · asked by liju v 2

http://www.aaronbertrand.com/voodoo/pope.jpg

2006-09-27 21:38:38 · 12 answers · asked by Arts 6

A redhead and a blonde pass a flower shop as the redhead spots her fella buying flowers, she says "oh no he always has expectations after buying me flowers, i dont feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air," The blonde says...."Dont you have a vase".....

2006-09-27 21:26:44 · 22 answers · asked by marie c 1

10 POINTS FOR THE SMART *** ANSWER :o)

2006-09-27 21:16:58 · 7 answers · asked by lauren 4

There was a young lady who farted
Her dinner guests quickly departed
She said with a sigh, as a tear left her eye
But the first course has only just started.

2006-09-27 21:07:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well", he explained, "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well", he explained, "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well", he explained,"by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.....

2006-09-27 20:55:13 · 13 answers · asked by Electric 7

took me forever

WHAT CITY WAS THE CAPITAL OF OLD KINGDOM EGYPT?



WHAT CITY WAS THE CAPITAL OF MIDDLE KINGDOM AND NEW KINGDOM EGYPT?


WHAT CITY WAS THE CAPITAL OF IKHANATON (AKHNATEN OR AMENHOTEP IV)

2006-09-27 20:53:21 · 11 answers · asked by cocomademoiselle 5