Anyone got any bad/crude/sex/dirty jokes ?
2006-09-28 00:31:05 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
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Whats the difference between a woman in church and one in the bath ?,
One has hope in her soul, and the other has soap in her....
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Did you hear about the fire in the circus ?,
It was in-tents.
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Q: How do you know a blonde is having a bad day?
A: She's got a tampon behind her ear and she can't
find her pencil
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WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
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What's green, slimy, and smells like pork?
kermit's finger.
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A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
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A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck, the bartender says, "I hope you're not planning on starting anything in here!"
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Liar:
-----
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do you keep telling
people you're dying of AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"
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Three Feelings:
---------------
What's the difference between stress,
tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.
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Chinese Adam & Eve:
-------------------
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still
be in paradise because they
would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake!
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Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says, "All right, I have 87 cents; how much do you have?" His friend replies, "I have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?" The first spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do" he says. "We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!"
The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone,the first drunk whips the sausage out and the second starts sucking on it. "What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and the two run out laughing. "That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent" says the second drunk. "Let's do it again!"
So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues through the night. At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the second drunk says "Man what a great night. All this drinking is making me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it."
"Sausage?" says the first. "I ate the sausage about eight bars ago!"
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guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me 12 drinks."
So the bartender pours him 12 shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy, you are drinking those drinks really fast."
The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."
The bartender says, "What've you got?"
The guy says,"75 cents."
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string o n the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... So does she.
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A man goes to his family doctor and says "I've got a big
problem, you'll see when i show you, only you've got to
promise not to laugh".
The doctor replies, "Of course I won 't laugh. That would be
thoroughly unprofessional. In over 15 years
of being the doctor, I 've never laughed at a patient.
"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniestpenis he has
ever seen in his life.Despite his best efforts, he begins
laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.
Some minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes
the tears from his eyes.
"I am so sorry," he says to his patient, "I don 't know what
came over me, I won 't let it happen again. Now what seems to
be the problem?"
The man looks up at the doctor with very sad eyes; "IT'S
BLOODY SWOLLEN !!!".
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A guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her, he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it.
After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way, he won't have to see her and won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes.
He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it.
He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sheer teddy.
He kicks her in the face.
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HOPE THIS HELPS
2006-10-01 06:02:06 · answer #1 · answered by Spaghetti MY 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The navy decides they have too many officers so decide to let a few go for early retirement, they also said that the three people to leave voluntarily can have an added retirement bonus multiplyed by £1000 between any 2 chosen points on their body, the first navy officer to be measured says I'd like to be measured from the tip of my head to my toes and leaves with £100,000 the second officer is a bit cleverer than the first and stretches out his arms and says from the tip of his left hand middle finger to the tip of his right hand middle finger he leaves with £150,000 the last one to be measured is particularly scarred and asks for the tip of his penis to his testicles, the doctor asks him to reconsider, unconvinced by the mans unwise choice!
The man however insists on getting these two points measured, so as he strips off the doctor looks at the man and exclaimes "good lord where are your testicles?"
The man calmly replies "in the falklands"
2006-09-28 01:17:01 · answer #2 · answered by xx_lush_xx 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
An old pensioner is walking in the park when he discovers a boy behind a bush who is playing with himself. The man is a bit concerened & offers the boy some advice - " I shouldn`t do that son because when you get to my age you wont have any left"
Thats OK says the boy - "I`ve got three jam jars full at home"
2006-09-28 01:28:06 · answer #3 · answered by flicflac 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b i t c h tonight, Dave."
2006-09-29 04:17:48 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
A Philadelphia Joke
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in Fairmont Park when one is suddenly attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and shoves it under the dogs collar, twists it breaking the dog's neck and saving his friend.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident. "Eagles Fan
Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Eagles fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Philadelphia I just assumed you were," said the reporter and he starts writing again. "Flyers Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack."
"I'm not a Flyers fan either," the boy said.
"Oh, I assumed everyone in Philadelphia was either for the Eagles or the Flyers. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Bastard From Dallas Kills Beloved Family Pet."
2006-09-28 02:45:15 · answer #5 · answered by SallyC 6 · 8⤊ 1⤋
I don't know whether this is bad or not but I'll write it anyway...
What is Globalisation?
Diana's death.
An english princess with her egyptian boyfriend in a German car, driven by a Dutch driver crashes in a French tunnel While being chased by Italian paparazi on Japanese bikes, treated by Portugese doctor with Brazilian medicine.
This was written by an Indian on a Chinese mobile phone smuggled by a Pakistani via Australia.
2006-09-28 00:48:47 · answer #6 · answered by Cindy 2 · 7⤊ 3⤋
GRANDPA ON THE PORCH
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well... Last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea."
2006-09-28 00:43:14 · answer #7 · answered by babyblue 2 · 11⤊ 0⤋
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarge
2006-09-28 00:54:26 · answer #8 · answered by Pd 6 · 7⤊ 0⤋
A guy was giving his girl a French Kiss.
"I didn't know you were chewing gum." he says, surprised.
"I'm not." She explained "I've got catarrh!"
2006-09-28 01:20:43 · answer #9 · answered by quatt47 7 · 1⤊ 3⤋
i have areally bad one that made me laugh in science today..
Q: Whats a pirates favourite elemant?
A: Arrr-gon ;)
2006-09-28 04:13:58 · answer #10 · answered by Lottie 1 · 1⤊ 4⤋