Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

WLYOHODLO ISVREAMTO

2006-09-10 18:43:03 · 8 answers · asked by down4ward 1

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, a British and a French, who found this small genie bottle.
When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.
Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said,
"Next to you are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE".
The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the British. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SH*T.........!"
Lesson IV - Think before u say or maybe just look where u r going!

2006-09-10 18:23:24 · 11 answers · asked by Andrew Petrucci 2

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting.

On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each."
So the eager senior manager shouts, "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries for a month."
Pfufffff, and he is gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouts, "I want to be in Floridawith beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails for a month."
Pfufffff, and he is also gone.
Then it's the boss's turn, and he says calmly, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch"

Lesson III- "Always allow the bosses to speak first

2006-09-10 18:19:44 · 11 answers · asked by Andrew Petrucci 2

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of ese are you?"
Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you? Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc?"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' he was.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkey, or monkey?"

Lesson II - Never insult anyone.

2006-09-10 18:17:54 · 10 answers · asked by Andrew Petrucci 2

If you need a good laugh please try this

We all need more laughter in our lives, pretty silly, but
our new name will put a smile on your
face.

This only takes a minute. Please don't be a bore and ruin
it. Send it on to everyone you know,
including the person that sent it to you. Sometimes when
you have a stressful day or week, you
need some silliness to break up the day. And, if we are
honest, we have a lot more stressful days
than not. Here is your dose of humor... Follow the
instructions to find your new name.

Once you have your new name, put it in the Subject box and
forward it to friends and family and
co-workers. Don't forget to forward it back to the person
who sent it to you, so they know you
participated. And don't go 'adult' ... my niece's senior
manager is now known far and wide as
Dorky Gizzardsniffer.

The following in an excerpt from a children's book,
"Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot of
Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor
forces everyone to assume new names......


Use the third letter of your first name to determine your
new first name:

a = poopsie b = lumpy c = buttercup d = gadget e = crusty f
= greasy g = fluffy h = cheeseball i =
chim-chim j = stinky k = flunky l = bootie m = pinky n =
zippy o = goober p = doofus q = slimy r =
loopy s = snotty t = tootie u = dorkey v = squeezit
#=@+#^rah x = skipper y = dinky z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the
first half of your new last name: a =
apple b = toilet c = giggle d = burger e = girdle f = barf
g = lizard h = waffle i = cootie j =
monkey k = potty l = liver m = banana n = rhino o = bubble
p = hamster q = toad r = gizzard s =
pizza t = gerbil u = chicken v = pickle w = chuckle x =
tofu y = gorilla z = stinker

Use the fourth ! letter o f your last name to determine the
second half of your new last name:
a = head b = mouth c = face d = nose e = tush f = breath g
= pants h = shorts i = lips j = honker
k = butt l = brain m = tushie n = biscuits o = hiney p =
chunks q = toes r = buns s = fanny t =
sniffer u = sprinkles v = kisser w = squirt x = humperdinck
y = brains z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober
Chickenshorts. William Jefferson Clinton is
Bootie Liverbiscuits.

2006-09-10 18:17:19 · 18 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Story: 1
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window: "I want to open a damn checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up *****! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
Having said this,the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem customer.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager thoughtfully, "and you're saying that this ***** here is giving you a hard time?"

Lesson I- If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything

2006-09-10 18:14:13 · 8 answers · asked by Andrew Petrucci 2

Because I found the rubber band it was tied with!

2006-09-10 18:08:26 · 10 answers · asked by Lady Bonah 3

How about some man jokes

Q: How many caring, sensitive men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Both of them

Q: Why did god create man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you create a masterpiece

Q: How do you stop a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head

Q: Why does it take a million sperm to fertilise one egg?
A: None will stop and ask for directions

Q: Why can't women find attractive, sensitive, caring guys
A: Most of the attractive, sensitive caring guys already have boyfriends

2006-09-10 17:48:51 · 12 answers · asked by Lady Bonah 3

It's a joke, you can supply the punchline for me.

2006-09-10 17:47:37 · 18 answers · asked by 42ITUS™ 7

A raccoon or a coon with a nice rack???

2006-09-10 17:39:38 · 12 answers · asked by ? 2

A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."

It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.

2006-09-10 17:33:41 · 5 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

A guy goes to a psycologist and says, "Well, Doc, I'm afraid I may be oversexed." The Doctor says, "Why don't you tell me about it?'' The guy says, "Well, I insist on having sex with my wife every night of the week." Dr. says, " That doesn't seem too extreme." Guy says, "But I also have a mistress, and I have sex with her 3 or 4 times a week." Dr. says, "Well for some people that might be a bit much...The guy says, " But wait, Doc, I'm not finished. There's a hooker who works a corner near the office building in which I work, and I spend several of my lunch hours having sex with her....The Dr. says, '' Good God Man, that's too much, you have to get hold of yourself!" The guy says, " I do Doc, six times a week, it's still not enough."

2006-09-10 17:19:49 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Actual Bumper Stickers
---------------------------

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted: Telepathy ... you know where to apply.

Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

Hang up and drive.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

Born again pagan.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Cats... the other white meat.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

Wink, I'll do the rest!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

2006-09-10 16:49:11 · 18 answers · asked by Krystal T 1

he says to his buddie I'd like to have sex with that blond . his buddie says it $50 for a hand job he says ok. later he says best hand job he ever had next day he wants a b/j he says it will cost you $ 100 fine best b/j he ever had next day he s hooked he has to have some pu**y the blonde says follow me they go to the door the blond says see that big building over there . thats mine see that big house over there . the man says thats the white house the blonde says if I had P***y I would own that too

2006-09-10 16:45:43 · 6 answers · asked by vinel10 4

jizzlemanibbles


do u get it?????????

2006-09-10 16:45:10 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A burglar crept into a huge, luxurious house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

This time, he shone his light all over, and it finally rested on a parrot.

He asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that it had. "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird answered, "The same folks who would name a Rottweiler "Jesus'.!

2006-09-10 16:38:51 · 16 answers · asked by Krystal T 1

A seaman and a pirate met in a bar and bought each other drinks as they swapped sea stories. The seaman noticed the pirate had a pegleg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. He asked the pirate how he lost his leg. The pirate said, "During a storm at sea , I fell overboard into a sea of sharks, as my shipmates pulled me to safety, a shark bit off my leg." " And why do U have that hook?" was the next question. "Well we attacked another ship and during a swordfight one of the enemy cut off my hand." "And the eyepatch?", asked the seaman. "One day I looked up at the sky and a sea gull deposited a dropping right into my eye." The seaman said, " I don't believe it, you lost an eye because of a bird dropping?" The pirate said, " Not exactly..ya see it was my first day using the hook......."

2006-09-10 16:35:01 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I GOTTA PEE!

2006-09-10 16:33:16 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

my cousin called me a b*itch 2 times


he was like B*TCHB*TCH!!

2006-09-10 16:28:56 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

2006-09-10 16:27:58 · 25 answers · asked by Krystal T 1

Don't Click Here:
http://www.bebo.com/bored

2006-09-10 16:24:46 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-10 16:23:17 · 20 answers · asked by lostcause8436 3

Suppose you are in an elevator with all three. Each of them offer you their phone number. You can only have one. Who do you
accept?

2006-09-10 16:07:13 · 5 answers · asked by rasckal 3

Rodney Dangerfield is the comedian that came on stage and always said, "I never get any respect !!!" and then finish it off with
a joke.

2006-09-10 16:04:45 · 7 answers · asked by rasckal 3

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a ********, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

2006-09-10 15:45:38 · 23 answers · asked by Precious Angel 2

2006-09-10 15:40:57 · 31 answers · asked by Precious Angel 2

What's long and skinny and can't light a candle,
easy at times, but sometimes hard to handle,
yellow on top, and needs a firm grip,
it faces the floor,
can you guess what it is?

2006-09-10 15:20:17 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-10 15:19:39 · 14 answers · asked by roytoncc69 2

2006-09-10 14:56:49 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay, heres the deal, my boyfriend goes out of town alot for work. The state we live in, we don't have stratch tickets, we can't gamble so when he goes out of state, its a HUGE deal to get me scratch tickets. Well, he brought me some home, and I scratched and it showed that I won....$100,000! He told me to read the back and it said it was a practical joke!! So, I'm giving him PAYBACK!!! Where would I buy a fake pregnancy test, or how could I get one to come out positive? Any idea!?

2006-09-10 14:50:10 · 8 answers · asked by Jamie 1