Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

Which port city is considered the home city of Bouillabaisse, the traditional Provencal fish stew?

2006-09-10 23:35:29 · 9 answers · asked by ammu 1

Two hillbillies Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there
'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"
.......................................................................................

2006-09-10 23:33:29 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A Catholic Priest was about to leave His Mission in the jungles where

he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.



He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

> > >>

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

> > >>

The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and

he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

> > >>

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

> > >>

The Priest really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears

a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

> > >>

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

> > >>

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills

them.

> > >>

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent

years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

> > >>

The chief replied, "My bike."

> >

2006-09-10 23:18:52 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Aww jeez, my wife gave me that last christmas and she would just kill me if I lost it! It's about 7 inches long. I think I've lost it near the australian waters? It was on my attached to my tail but somehow I've lost it. If seen please call the lost and found at the Biological Social Department in Australia 1800-Lost-Ray. Thanks.

2006-09-10 23:08:31 · 9 answers · asked by isaidloookatme 1

pretty shi tty if you do ...

2006-09-10 22:58:38 · 13 answers · asked by melhtims 2

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.
"Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye.. that's a very popular clich for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** my pants!"

2006-09-10 22:54:58 · 14 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
> >
> > Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering
> wheel.
> >
> > You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
> >
> > 15-minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.
> >
> > When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield
> > for you?"
> >
> > Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club".
> >
> > While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if
> > anyone was hurt.
> >
> > For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom'
> > noises while in the driveway.
> >
> > You keep losing dates on left turns.
> >
> > Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning
> > tie-ups.
> >

2006-09-10 22:49:48 · 4 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

but wake up with a 1 the next morning? I tell ya, drinking is bad for ya..

2006-09-10 22:42:46 · 14 answers · asked by melhtims 2

2006-09-10 22:40:26 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-10 22:40:04 · 11 answers · asked by Parul 2

2006-09-10 22:39:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die
> > of natural causes.
> >
> > Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a
> > weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
> > ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
> >
> > The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
> replacement.
> >
> > Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
> >
> > Life is sexually transmitted, have you ever thought about that?
> >
> > Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
> >
> > Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use
> > the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
> >
> > Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you
> > still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
> >
> > Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
> > nothing.
> >
> > Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
> > about seeing UFOs like they used to?
> >
> > Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
> >
> > In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
> > weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
> >
> > Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
> > realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
> >
> > How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
> > box to start a campfire?
> >

2006-09-10 22:36:58 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear
Fault: It's water. Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action to take: Punch the guy who gave you the water.

Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the
room you're in
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action to take: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Fault: Glass or bottle held at incorrect angle
Action to take: Adjust angle so open end points to
ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Fault: improper bladder control
Action to take: Stand next to nearest dog, complain
about house training

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Fault: Glass or bottle is empty
Action to take: Get someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with florescent lights
Fault: You have fallen over backward
Action to take: Chain yourself to the bar

Symptom: Mouth filled with cigarette butts
Fault: You have fallen forward
Action to take: see above

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your t-shirt is wet
Fault: Mouth not open, or container applied to wrong
part of face
Action to take: Enter bathroom, confirm mouth
location, practice in the mirror

Symptom: Floor blurred
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your
empty container
Action to take: Get someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Floor moving
Fault: You are being carried out
Action to take: Find out if you're being taken to
another bar

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Fault: Bar is closed
Action to take: Confirm home address with bartender,
take taxi home

Symptom: Taxi is unusually colourful and "pretty"
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations
Action to take: Cover mouth

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles
Fault: You are dancing on the bar
Action to take: Find someone cushy-looking to land on


Symptom: Your singing sound’s distorted
Fault: Insufficient beer intake
Action to take: Increase beer intake until it sounds
just right

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song
Fault: Correct beer intake
Action to take: Play air guitar

Symptom: Bed is stiff and bumping around, wierd people
standing around you
Fault: Taking a ride in an ambulance
Action to take: No action necessary, you've already
made an *** out of yourself.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
Fault: You've been in a fight
Action to take: Apologize to everyone you see, just in
case it was them

Symptom: Squishy feeling in the hands
Fault: You've grabbed a woman's breasts
Action to take: If boyfriend exists, duck to avoid
punch. If no boyfriend exists, ask for name and phone
number

Symptom: Unattractive woman in your sights
Fault: Insufficient beer intake
Action to take: Up the dosage

Symptom: Shins and toes hurt
Fault: You've been walking into things
Action to take: Maintain dosage

2006-09-10 22:32:56 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

There he was just standing!

2006-09-10 22:26:43 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

well.... the stingray stabbed him alright.

2006-09-10 22:25:31 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I love jokes. I love humor, and Im pretty bummed out right now. Best answer goes to the person who can make me smile and/or laugh the most!

2006-09-10 22:16:50 · 12 answers · asked by Lori B 2

what did the stingray said to the croc hunter? nothing. it just stabed him in the chest.

2006-09-10 22:05:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died." The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''



The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

2006-09-10 21:38:58 · 11 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

They're for folks like you and me.......Click your mouse, then get typing........I've been impatient (sorry for gryping)........One query starts--another ends........thanks to you, I've got more friends....Friends like you lot--friends indeed........Oh compadres--just what I need.......Don't go thinking I've got no mates.....'Cos I've got one (I think he's great) IF I need him, he comes round...he's kind and thoughtful (basically sound)........Sometimes though I start to fret.......I think "WHY ME" and yet,and yet........oh, hang on my doorbell's ringing.......the Postman's there---oooh, what's he bringing?........this boy's another of my mates.......hey, what do you think of the new postal rates?......Sort by size as well as weight......I don't care----that's also great..........better answer---he won't wait....gosh, I'm in a right old state.............one more question if I may (will he/won't he I hear you say)........"Hang on there---delivery bloke--HEY, COME BACK IT'S............

2006-09-10 21:38:18 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A touch of success and they both want to come out of the cubboard.

2006-09-10 20:55:30 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes
for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went
to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he
gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:

"What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said:

"We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes
from his three boyfriends."

2006-09-10 20:47:53 · 23 answers · asked by bobatemydog 4

alright so check it out...ever hear the one about the croc hunter and the stingray? so a croc hunter walks in a bar right? to find a stingray and he does. so the stingray stabs him in the chest and he dies.

2006-09-10 20:36:26 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-10 20:36:13 · 8 answers · asked by romyrodz 1

think beyond..goodmorning..:)

2006-09-10 20:27:39 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do you think he is at Camp David or under the desk in the Oval Office? Anyone want to wager on it?

2006-09-10 19:44:13 · 12 answers · asked by melhtims 2

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

What to you give to someone winning the Dentist of the Year award?
A: A little plaque.

Hehe. And here is today's riddle:

Why can't you borrow any money from a clam?

Have fun!

2006-09-10 19:33:04 · 13 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

a man lives on the thirteenth floor of a high rise block of flats. every morning he catches the lift down to the bottom then goes to work. when he arrives home he gets into the lift then presses num 7 he then gets out on the 7th floor and uses the stairs until he reaches his flat and he does this every day WHY??

2006-09-10 19:23:35 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an older man that was married to a much younger
woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer.
One day as 5o'clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who saysshe's very horn y. On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to je rk it before he gets home. He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car."
So he gets under the car,closes his eyes, and starts je rkin it. A few minutes later, there's a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn't open his eyes, but justhollars, "Yeah?"
"I'm Officer Brown. What are you doing downthere?"
"Well, officer, I'm checking my axle; I think it'scome lose."
"Well, mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your car's 2 blocks down the roadcrashed into a tree."

he he he

2006-09-10 19:18:01 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."


The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence: I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter. I'd rather find yours."

2006-09-10 19:07:11 · 14 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

Have a lovely day!

2006-09-10 18:58:55 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous