Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

2006-09-10 09:43:08 · 4 answers · asked by Miss T 1

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but finally even she had had enough. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."


After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

2006-09-10 09:34:01 · 6 answers · asked by dwh 3

two old ladies were sitting outside, having a smoke,when it started to rain,one of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut of the end and put over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

lady 1; "whats that?"
lady2; "a condom.this way my cigarette does not get wet."
lady 1;"where did you get it?"
lady 2;"from the drug store"

the next day lady one hobbles into the local drugstore. and asks the pharmacist for a box of condoms, the guy looked embarrassed
and look at her strangely(she is,after all over 80 years old)
but very delicately asks what brand she prefers?

"doesn't matter son as long as it fits a camel'

;o)

2006-09-10 09:29:16 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

do this fastest wins. i mean ALL of it.
here it is.....

| ♥ |

2006-09-10 09:20:19 · 9 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

2006-09-10 09:14:22 · 15 answers · asked by Sharad Puranik Nashikkar 2

make it REALLY FUNNY! oh SO FUNNY!
best joke gets 10 POINTS!

2006-09-10 09:03:47 · 7 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

A. February
B November
C None
D All of them

Beleive it or not two out of five might get the answer right, when just saying the first answer that comes to mind.

2006-09-10 08:43:36 · 25 answers · asked by shebunkin 2

2006-09-10 08:41:28 · 10 answers · asked by Lorie Arriaga 1

Sorry if this offends anybody if I've posted it before, but I just want to make people laugh

Why didn't George Bush get a belly button ring?

Because he's already got a Dick Cheney!

2006-09-10 08:38:32 · 14 answers · asked by Epitome 2

the old folks no sooner hit the pillow when the old man farts, and says 1 point to me, his wife rolls over and say' what in the world was that'

the old man replied,'it fart football' a few minutes later his wife lets one go, and says 1 point to me, drawing..

about 5 minutes later the old man lets 1 rip, and says i'm winning.. 2-1..not to be out done the wife lets out a little squeaker and say' i equalized..

now the pressurses on the old man, as he refuses to be beat by a woman..so he strains real hard. since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it every thing he's got and accidenttally,
poops in the bed,

the wife says' what the hell was that?'
the old man says" half time switch sides"

;0)

2006-09-10 08:36:52 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

I can't figure it out, nor anyone I know. So please help.

5 = D in an A C

Ex:
12 = S of the Z
(12 = Signs of the Zodiac)

26 = L of the A
(26 = Letters of the Alphabet)

52 = C in a D
(52 = Cards in a Deck)

the A C is two words.

Can anyone figure it out?
btw: the answer has to be something everyone knows, it can't be like: 5 = Doors in an Air Craft.

Whoever can solve it gets the ten points.

2006-09-10 08:29:41 · 10 answers · asked by ~Jenny 3

Whatever it is you would wish for, how would you say it so that a malevolent wish granter couldn't turn it into something bad?

2006-09-10 08:23:46 · 6 answers · asked by juicy_wishun 6

hehehe

2006-09-10 08:11:59 · 12 answers · asked by ~blessss♫☼ ♪♥ ☼ ♠♫ ♣☺☻ 4

Guesses... Come on!

2006-09-10 08:03:41 · 5 answers · asked by Mr. Riz 6

three men checked into a hotel. the clerk at the counter told them there was only one room left so the men decided to all share the bed. next morning, the man that slept on the right side of the bed said, ‘I had a really weird dream. I dreamt that someone jerked me off.'
'that’s weird,' said the guy on the left side of the bed, ‘I also dreamt that someone jerked me off.'
the man in the middle said, ‘I had a different dream, I dreamt that I went skiing.'

2006-09-10 07:55:56 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I dont need explinations just the word

2006-09-10 07:43:30 · 45 answers · asked by martin m 2

for many months Jim wished that he and jen would 'get down to business', but he felt a bit shy about broaching the subject. one evening, however, he and jen were enjoying a romantic dinner down on her parents farm. the mood seemed right-even the silhouette of a bull humping a cow in the distance seemed to be telling Jim that this was the right moment to finally bring up the subject. he took her hand gently and whispered in her ear,' I’d sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.'
'well, why don’t you,’ she whispered back
'dads been away, so I’m sure the cow would be happy to.'

2006-09-10 07:40:50 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

_________, I Dont Have A Brain.

2006-09-10 07:36:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men while digging the land found the following inscription on a stone. Is this is a original inscription, or a false one ?

(Translation)

Period : 20 B.C
About : The life style of egypt.

This is written by Mainusiog, one of the disciples of the great sage Merakoins. .... ..... ....
Here people worship cat as the almighty and they believe cats will destroy all the evil ... .... ....

2006-09-10 07:35:13 · 3 answers · asked by Naveen 2

a older man goes to the doctors for same viagra. as he was having problems getting an erection, the doctor explains that he must see his wife be for he can help him.

so they both go back the next day, the doctor calls the wife in first, tells her to undress and lie naked on the bed,
tells her to turn around a few times and to bend over, and jump up on the table and pose in various positions,

then says get dressed and please tell your husband to come in alone,

her husband walks in and the doctor say" there is nothing wrong with you i couldn't get erection either...

sorry ;0)

2006-09-10 07:32:55 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

apparently it didn't keep out deadly rays!

2006-09-10 07:27:16 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

big hawk the Indian was with the park ranger one day when they got lost. the park ranger says to big hawk, ‘use your tracking ability to get us out of this mess.' big hawk bends down and puts his ear to the ground. 'buffalo come.'
the park ranger replies, ‘how do you know?'
big hawk says, ‘ear sticky.'

2006-09-10 07:17:21 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

if i had it i,d die. the poor have it. the rich want it. what am i?

2006-09-10 07:00:05 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mailman's last day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When
he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way
with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand,
gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and
led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with
the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had
enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast;
eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed
orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of
steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under
the cup's bottom edge. All this was just too wonderful for words,"
he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I
asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a
dollar!" The blonde then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

2006-09-10 06:57:58 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

lol i have to get some people back as a joke.

2006-09-10 06:53:57 · 11 answers · asked by nayster39 1

here water means any source of water like river, stream, sea, etc ...

2006-09-10 06:53:02 · 23 answers · asked by Naveen 2

My sign in Peices. It is in the last month of Winter. Its an odd number. The year is --8-. It was a leap year, and the president that won this year also won before.

2006-09-10 06:30:37 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

which of the following is not true?? this will be very rewarding to pick the right one.

1. kyle russel has a vagina

2. levi is sexy

3. preps suck

4. lauren heinrich is emo

5. most skaters are posers

6. PMOO is puncuation cows

7. Bo gets dressed in the dark

8. We eat orchids

9. Tyler mIller is mormon face

10. 7 burgundy

11.Levi looks cool with his cyst

12. Alyson likes erica

2006-09-10 05:48:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a dad and son out driving they have a car crash dad dies the son gets rushed to hostipal in the surgery room the docotor says i cant operate on him thats my son.
what is the relation between surgon and the son.

2006-09-10 05:46:54 · 36 answers · asked by welsh_footiefan 2

three sons left the mountains to make their fortunes, and they all did very well for themselves. they got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their elderly mother
'well,’ said Cletus, ‘I bought mom a huge house in Beverly hills.'
'you think that’s impressive. I bought mom a stretch rolls Royce and hired her a full time driver.' snorted Luther
'I’ve got you both beat,’ smiled Jim bob. 'I bought mom a miraculous parrot that can recite any bible verse you tell it to.'
a little later, the mother sent out a thank you note to all three sons. it read: 'Cletus, the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but have to clean the entire house. Luther, the car is useless. I don’t go anywhere because I’m too old, and have seen it all before. but Jim bob, you know exactly what I like. that chicken you got me, it was purely delicious.'

2006-09-10 05:33:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous