Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

2006-09-09 15:38:50 · 7 answers · asked by God's Honest Truth 3

"People who think they know everything are looked down apon by people who do know everything." ...Or did this person just make it up because we needed something to laugh at?

2006-09-09 15:35:55 · 4 answers · asked by fun_n_creepy 1

On the 6th day God turned to the angel Gabriel.
"On this day I shall create a magic land. It shall be called Israel. It will stand as holy. Its magnificence will be known the world over. I will choose to send to this land special people of goodness, intelligence, and conviction, so the land shall prosper. I shall call these inhabitants... Jews."
"Pardon me, Lord but," asked Gabriel, "aren't you being too generous to these Jews?"
"Not really. Wait and see the neighbors I'm giving them."

2006-09-09 15:34:25 · 7 answers · asked by lost&confused 5

one day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of the cows was completely cross eyed. he called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in the cow. the vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cows butt, and blew into the tube until the cows eyes straightened out.
the vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. about one week later, the cows eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself, so he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cows butt. the farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. the hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it back into the cows butt and started to blow.
'what are you doing?!' asked the farmer, horrified
'heck, I wasn’t gonna use the side that you’d put your lips on,’ came the reply

2006-09-09 15:19:51 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers. The next day, two groups of wanna-be-workers show up - a crew of five men and a crew of five blonde women.

The company cannot decide who to give the job to, so they give the two groups a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first will get the job."

Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the male crew returns.

"Yes!" they shout. "We came back first, so we get the job!!"

"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic or the truck breaking down."

"Fine, no problem," say the men.

An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 8:30, the Blonde crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.

"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.

"What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the job?"

"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"

"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!!"

2006-09-09 15:18:35 · 4 answers · asked by Woody 3

A wealthy man decided it was time for him to get married, but he was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. So he gave each woman $5,000 and watched to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover -- she went to a fancy beauty salon to get her hair done, buys new makeup and several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.


The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third woman invested the money in the stock market and very quickly earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was quite impressed. But how did he choose which one to marry?

If you don't know the answer, you're not thinking. He's a man, he married the one with the biggest b-o-o-b-s.

2006-09-09 15:16:46 · 3 answers · asked by Woody 3

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor -- we're going to need a mop.

Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!

Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingy.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 mg of this stuff before?

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

I hope his family won't miss him.

And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

2006-09-09 15:10:39 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-09 15:03:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer First grade.

2006-09-09 15:01:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

apropriate.
About our team.
Last years state champs.
Our record for the past two years and now 28-2

2006-09-09 15:00:49 · 3 answers · asked by Track and Field 2007 2

2006-09-09 14:49:16 · 17 answers · asked by Kenneth H 2

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day,

Don't be so humble - you are not that freaking great!

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

1. " ... Amen."

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-09-09 14:48:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you think? Let me know, Thanks!
LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
Middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or
Leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

(I love this one!!)
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

2006-09-09 14:21:47 · 15 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

it comes in many different shapes and sizes, in every color, and it is used by every one, you will find this in every country, If you get the answer write (the first person ) I will choose you for best answer!

2006-09-09 13:58:18 · 12 answers · asked by shebunkin 2

PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-09-09 13:21:42 · 19 answers · asked by ♫♪♫TAY-LUR♫♪♫ 3

2006-09-09 13:16:48 · 22 answers · asked by Rob M 1

Me and my friend are tossing the insults back and forth by text tonite (she's in VA) and she always beats me at this game. Any good insults I can toss at her and maybe get ahead tonite?

2006-09-09 13:08:00 · 6 answers · asked by WonderTwit 6

2006-09-09 13:04:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

she shake it like jello make the boys say what?

2006-09-09 13:00:10 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-09 12:56:51 · 6 answers · asked by Perfectly Flawed 5

My son asked me me the other day, while we were flying on a Southwest Flight....." Mom, if big dogs have little dogs, and big cats have little cats, do big planes have little planes?" I thought for a moment and could not come up with an answer for my son. It told to ask the stewerdes. He asked the stewerdes the same question, and she answered "Son, Southwest always pulls out on time, so ask you mom to explain that one to you!!"

I thought this was the funniest thing in the world. I am still trying to figure a way out to explain this to my son. Thought I would share it for a good laugh!!!

2006-09-09 12:32:26 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

tHE 1ST RIDDLE:

Which of the following statements are true?

1. At least one of these ten statements is false.
2. At least two of these ten statements are false.
3. At least three of these ten statements are false.
4. At least four of these ten statements are false.
5. At least five of these ten statements are false.
6. At least six of these ten statements are false.
7. At least seven of these ten statements are false.
8. At least eight of these ten statements are false.
9. At least nine of these ten statements are false.
10. At least ten of these ten statements are false.

2nd Riddle:

A man was to be sentenced, and the judge told him, "You may make a statement. If it is true, I'll sentence you to four years in prison. If it is false, I'll sentence you to six years in prison." After the man made his statement, the judge decided to let him go free.

What did the man say?


The answers to both will be posted after 20 answers!!!!!!

2006-09-09 12:26:22 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Would you keep your own, or would you pick someone else's nose?

2006-09-09 12:10:10 · 16 answers · asked by Polo 7

2006-09-09 12:04:27 · 11 answers · asked by tomm 2

What is greater than God, More evil than the devil,
The
>>> poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?

2006-09-09 11:43:12 · 14 answers · asked by lexie_09 3

This is a toughie...

If im red, Im dead
If im blue, I rule
If im yellow, you better watch your fellows


Who am I?




- Another one - don't use google, use your head.

2006-09-09 11:29:38 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

a businessman returns for the far east. after a few days, he notices a strange growth on his penis. he is very concerned about the growth that has appeared, and promptly visits one doctor after another. however, they all offer the same unwanted advice. 'it seems that you have been screwing around in the far east. but I’m afraid there’s no cure. there is nothing I can do but cut it off.'
the man panics, but figures that if it is a common affliction in the east they must know how to cure it there. so he goes back to India and visits a doctor in Bombay
the doctor examines him and says, 'you’ve been fooling around in my country, haven’t you? this is a very common problem here. did you see any other doctors about the growth?'
the man replied ,'yes, a few back home.'
the doctor says, ‘and they told you it had to be cut off?'
the man answers, 'yes, I couldn’t believe it!'
the doctor smiles knowingly, shaking his head 'well, their advice is incorrect and most unnecessary. after all, your penis will fall off all by itself

2006-09-09 11:22:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A haardvark.
well I liked it.

2006-09-09 11:22:25 · 13 answers · asked by button mushroom 3

2006-09-09 10:46:10 · 12 answers · asked by ForeverLove 2

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
No kebab for me, thank you
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
I'm not interested in fighting you.
Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing
No, I wont make any attempt to dance thanks, I have zero co-ordination.
Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to urinate over the nearest cash machine or shop front.

2006-09-09 10:37:31 · 9 answers · asked by maidenrocks 3