Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

Motherless and fatherless, born without a skin, spoke once when it came into the world, but never spoke again. What is it?

2006-09-08 21:08:25 · 15 answers · asked by New Mommy! 3

2006-09-08 21:05:25 · 5 answers · asked by wolvesbcool 1

1. When I'm used, I'm useless, once offered, soon rejected. In desperation oft expressed, the intended not protected. What am I?

2. In the dark I am found, without being fetched.In the day I am lost, without being stolen. What am I?

3. There are 20 people in an empty, square room. Each person has full sight of the entire room and everyone in it without turning his head or body, or moving in any way (other than the eyes). Where can you place an apple so that all but one person can see it?

4. There is a common English word that is nine letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains an English word - from nine letters right down to a single letter. What is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing one letter at a time?

5. Only one color, but not one size, Stuck at the bottom, yet easily flies. Present in sun, but not in rain, Doing no harm, and feeling no pain. What is it.

2006-09-08 20:30:03 · 8 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

2006-09-08 20:19:37 · 23 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

2006-09-08 20:17:52 · 9 answers · asked by pyt_tlc 3

Ok. so a blackhouse is made out of black bricks. An orangehouse is made out of orange bricks. A red house is made out of red bricks. So, whats a greenhouse made out of?
[GL N HF]

2006-09-08 20:14:19 · 20 answers · asked by robbyack2000 2

For ex: have termites eat your mother-in-law's house.
Nothing rude or crude, please!

2006-09-08 20:00:56 · 6 answers · asked by kriend 7

A couple has been married for 50 years and are celebrating their anniversary.

The wife asks what the husband wants for their anniversary and he replies, "I would like you to perform oral sex on me. In the 50 years we have married NEVER have you ONCE done this to me."

She replies, "It's just that I'm afraid that you won't respect me afterwards."

"Won't respect you afterwards! he yells, we have been married for 50 years for krype sakes!"

"OK! OK! I'll do it just this one time!" She then bends down and gives him oral sex until he has an orgasm in her mouth.

Immediately afterwards she runs to the bathroom. The phone rings next to the bed and he picks it up.

He then yells to his wife, "Hey c-o-c-k sucker! it's for you!"

2006-09-08 19:22:14 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-08 19:13:43 · 13 answers · asked by power ranger 3

After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.
He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."
Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"
The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."
"Ahem, well..." said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"

2006-09-08 19:08:15 · 15 answers · asked by LiN 6

a man and his wife were sitting in church on Sunday. the man was having a little snooze, and his wife was knitting. the priest implored them, ‘who created the earth and man, my congregation?'
the woman poked her husband with a knitting needle, and he screamed, suddenly jolting awake, 'GOD!'.
the priest looked at the man and, admiring his enthusiasm, nodded, ‘that is correct'
then the priest asked, 'who, my congregation, is the son of god?'
once more, the women poked her husband with the knitting needle. the man woke up startled, and screamed, ‘Jesus Christ!'
again, the priest said, ‘that is correct.'
finally the priest asked, ‘tell me, my congregation, what did eve say to Adam when she didn’t want to have any more children?'
the knitter poked her husband again. this time he awoke absolutely furious, and screamed at his wife, ‘poke me with that damned thing one more time, and I’m going to rip it off you!'
the priest smiled and said, ‘that is correct'.

2006-09-08 18:58:31 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-08 18:55:52 · 18 answers · asked by LiN 6

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

2006-09-08 18:46:30 · 18 answers · asked by LiN 6

i am a 5 letter word if u remove the 1st letter its a country if u removed the 1 st 2 letters its opposit to of the 5 letter word.

2006-09-08 18:40:01 · 25 answers · asked by nikki 1

Sammy was a session performer hired to play guitar for a movie score. he couldn’t wait to see the finished film and hear his music. after he was paid for the job, he asked the producer where he could catch the film. the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick, and told Sammy the addresses of some seedy movie houses where it was showing. Sammy was a bit embarrassed that this is what his 'art' was going to, but thought to himself, 'well, it is a movie all the same, and I did get paid a lot.'
so, in disguise, Sammy went to see the film.
hoping no one would recognize him, he slunk to the back of the cinema and sat next to an elderly couple who also appeared to be in disguise. the movie started, and it was the most filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever. the lead character was an attractive woman who was into group sex, S&M, the works.
very embarrassed and blushing, Sammy turned to the old couple beside him and whispered, 'I’m really not into the sick stuff. I’m just here for the music.’
The woman turned to Sammy and whispered back, ‘that’s okay, we’re just here to see our daughter.’

2006-09-08 18:38:02 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A family walks into a talent agency.........

2006-09-08 18:34:18 · 18 answers · asked by intergalacticvillian05 2

i wanna hear some good jokes,i especially like blonde jokes

2006-09-08 18:28:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

In an office, there are several employees who are known as thus:
Ms. Who
Ms. Where
Ms. What
Ms. How
Ms. When

Now, Someone steals money from the Safe of the Office Accountant's room. After intensive search, the police zoomed in on the following 5 suspects because they were the only people who went to the Accountant's office on that day despite it being an off day:

Mr. Someone
Mr. Ever
Mr. Always
Mr. Sometimes
Mr. Tomorrow

The Police Chief says he will find the culprit pretty soon. Police Chief is also planning to take the help of Women's Cell as the office where theft took place only has women employees and we all know that women are less comfortable interacting with men who are after all disturbing them like hell because Police also detained and questioned all of the employees.

You have to tell who stole the money? Also give the logic. Guesses wont fetch you 10 extra points, remember.

(Riddle Level: Easy to Moderate)

2006-09-08 18:23:25 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am a 5 letter word .if u remove the 1st letter its a country .if u remove the 1st and 2letter its opposit l

2006-09-08 18:20:01 · 15 answers · asked by nikki 1

an almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see through item for his wife. after receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $200,and brought it home for his wife. she took it upstairs an realized that it didn’t quite fit. but, she figured, since its supposed to be see-through, and since her husband was almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all. so, she came downstairs completely naked
'huh?' said the old man, giving her a squeeze
for the amount of money I paid, they could have at least ironed the damned thing.'

2006-09-08 18:19:55 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

i think its : yo mamma's so fat when she walked acroos the tv i missed three episodes!

2006-09-08 18:11:01 · 12 answers · asked by atl_braves_lover 1

now there’s this guy who owns a stud farm, and one day a midget calls in, hoping to buy a horse. he walks up, and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse
'a female horth, 'the midget says. that’s quite a speech impediment, the farm owner thinks.
so anyway, the owner shows him one of his best fillies
'nithe horth, can I thee into her mouth?' the midget asks. so the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth
'nithe mouth. can I thee her eyeth?'
so the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes
what about the ear-th?' now the owner is a bit fed up, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the horses ears.
'okay, finally, I’d like to thee her ****.’ With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horses ****, then pulls him out.
feeling totally disgusted and sick, the midget says, 'perhapth I thould thay it diffwently. I’d like to thee her run!'

2006-09-08 18:03:08 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.Tech Support calls you for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL."
3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "you can hang out."
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. You've gotten on an airplane just to meet some people face-to-face.
8. You have to get a second phone line so you can order pizza.
9. Your wife goes into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you're going to be "away."
10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation or complete sentences.
12. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
13. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
14. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.

2006-09-08 17:44:22 · 14 answers · asked by summerbrze 2

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.

Finally, the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask: Why the whole 'drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one' routine?"

"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."

2006-09-08 17:35:08 · 25 answers · asked by summerbrze 2

A man woke up in a room. There were no windows, doors, etc. There was only a tank of water(5 gallons). There were no fish in the tank and he was not a fish. He had no cellphone or any electric stuff. The tank's water was very cold. 1 year later the walls had a big crack. The wall broke down and the man went out of the room. How did he live for 1 year?

2006-09-08 17:32:08 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

one cold and bleak morning, a man is driving through the country, suddenly, from out of nowhere, a massive bald man steps on the road. he’s seven foot tall, and his muscles ripple in every inch of his body. at the roadside there also stands a young woman.
she is absolutely beautiful-slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair...heart stopping. the driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the monster opens the car door and drags him from his seat with a fist resembling a raw ham
'right,’ he shouts, ‘masturbate!'
'but...' stammers the driver
do it now or I’ll kill yer!'
so the driver turns his back, drops his trousers and jerks off. thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn’t take him long. 'right,’ snarls Mr. tough. 'do it again!'
so the driver does it again
'right buddy, do it again,’ demands Mr. tough
this goes on for nearly two hours. the hapless driver is in agony, and has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the round
'do it again,’ says Mr. Tough
‘I cant-you’ll just have to kill me,’ whimpered the man
Mr. tough looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside
‘okay, now you can drive my daughter to the next town.’

2006-09-08 17:30:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

would if i popped out your screen lmao

2006-09-08 17:29:39 · 11 answers · asked by ~$#xyMammA~ 1

A man is standing on the side of a lake with a chicken, a fox and a bag of feed. He has a boat that will only hold him and one other item. He must get all the chicken, fox and feed all safely to the other side. However, He cant leave the chicken and fox alone together because the fox will eat the chicken. He cant leave the chicken alone with the feed because the chicken will eat the feed. How does he do it??

2006-09-08 17:28:01 · 17 answers · asked by Beth 3

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models.
I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house we wanted last week is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, go ahead, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

2006-09-08 17:21:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man came home from work sporting two black eyes."What happened to you?" asked his wife. "I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ***. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!""I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get the second black eye?""Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I pushed it back in."

2006-09-08 17:15:19 · 16 answers · asked by Cool Z 5