Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

a little girl runs out to the garage where her father is working on his car, and asks him, 'daddy ,what’s sex?' so her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. he tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs. he tells her about puberty, menstruation, wet dreams, erections. he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. he describes masturbation, anal and oral sex, group sex, bondage and discipline, homosexuality, sex toys....you name it. the girl is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge ,and her father finally asks, 'so, why did you want to know about sex?'
'oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs...'

2006-09-08 16:56:15 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-08 16:50:35 · 14 answers · asked by betty boop 3

Would it be considered muder if you farted and it ended up choking someone to death. My little brother asked me as a joke, and I thought I'd see what you guys think.

2006-09-08 16:44:54 · 14 answers · asked by artchic1984 2

You cannot see me
You cannot touch me
You cannot hear me
You cannot taste me
You cannot touch me
But you can feel the effects of me every day

2006-09-08 16:41:29 · 21 answers · asked by serenitynow 3

Get an acount for yahoo answers.......... or else!

2006-09-08 16:40:54 · 7 answers · asked by Good Vibrations 2

Have you ever seen CONFIDENT breasts? You know the kind that stick out there and is very noticeable!! ....and then as soon as you remove the BRA, you see their LOW SELF-ESTEEM?!! ...get it?

2006-09-08 16:31:17 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

nothing nasty please

2006-09-08 16:28:52 · 7 answers · asked by Annika 2

one day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. as they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell the something was bothering his girlfriend. so, he asked her, 'whats the matter, honey?'
Pinocchio’s girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, 'you’re probably the best guy I’ve ever met, but every time we make love you give me splinters.' this remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek advice from his creator, gepetto. after listening to the problem, gepetto handed over a square of sandpaper and said, ‘now this should smooth out the problem!' gratefully, Pinocchio took the sandpaper and went off to try it. now, a few weeks passed by and gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio
Pinocchio was buying up ALL of the sandpaper in the hardware store, so gepetto remarked, 'so, Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn well with you and the girls.'
Pinocchio replied, ‘girls? who needs girls?'

2006-09-08 16:13:34 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man went into a chemists looking for condoms. Unfortunately he didn't know what size to get. The pharmacist asks him, 'Would you like to find what size you are, Sir?'

The guy agrees and the pharmacist leads him into a room with a board. The board has many differently-sized holes in it. The pharmacist leaves, allowing the guy some privacy to match up his dick with the right hole.

Three hours have gone by and the pharmacist wonders what is taking so long. So, he knocks on the door and sees if the guy is alright.

The guy says, "Forget the condoms, I think I'll take the board."

2006-09-08 16:05:04 · 14 answers · asked by Cool Z 5

I stand before the 2nd letter of the alphabet, looking for the lost ring in the middle of the river at the end of the lake, followed by you. What's my message?

2006-09-08 16:01:36 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Well I don't know either. But I hear the tips are big....

2006-09-08 16:01:02 · 9 answers · asked by notame n 1

a guy, his dog, and a pig are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island. a few slow weeks pass by. every evening they’d lie out on the beach and watch the stars. one night, the guy was feeling a little amorous and really wanted some feminine company. the pig started to look like not such a bad prospect. so the guy rolled toward the pig and put his arm around it, giving it a bit of a cuddle. however, the dog was quite jealous about this and growled and barked until the guy took his arm away
a few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. the only survivor was a beautiful young woman, with a perfect hourglass figure and golden suntan. luckily the young woman was uninjured . she got along well with the others and went to the beach with them every evening to watch the stars.
one balmy night the guy began getting 'those' ideas again, and this time, darn it, he was going to give in. ed been alone for such a long time. so, he shyly leaned across to the girls and whispered, ‘umm, would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’

2006-09-08 15:46:30 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://badjojo.com/html/space/game1.html

2006-09-08 15:17:38 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was once a recluse who never left his home. The only time anyone ever visited him was when his food
and supplies were delivered but they never came inside. Then, one stormy night when an icy gale was blowing
he had a nervous breakdown. He went upstairs, turned off all the lights and went to bed. Next morning, he had
caused the deaths of several hundred people! HOW?

2006-09-08 15:15:52 · 21 answers · asked by simplyme712000 2

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor, and had a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti -- two with sausage and meatballs, two without."


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2006-09-08 15:12:53 · 23 answers · asked by summerbrze 2

2006-09-08 15:09:38 · 16 answers · asked by jordan65203 1

it being the noughties and all, a middle aged man decided he would have a facelift for his birthday. it costs him $5000,and he is ecstatic about the result. he looks fantastic! on the way home he stops at a drugstore to buy some candy and says to the girls serving him, ‘how old do you think I am?'
'hmmm, about 33, 'was the reply
'I’m actually 45!' the man says, feeling really happy. after that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the cashier there the same question. her reply is even better.... 'oh, you look about 30.' the man now feeling very pleased with himself. while standing at the bus stop he asks an old bag lady the same question. she croaks, ‘I am 90 years old, and my eyesight is not what it once was, but when I was young there was a sure way of telling how old a man is. if I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.' as there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her wrinkled hand down his pants and have a good rummage around. Ten minutes later the old lady says, ’okay, its done. You are 45
stunned, the man says, ‘that was brilliant!
How did you do that?’ the old lady replies, ‘I was behind you in McDonalds

2006-09-08 15:06:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-807158805086713581&hl=en

2006-09-08 14:57:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

They can only be found in the dictionary. but they can also be from any other language, Spanish, German, Italian, Latin, etc. No Klingon or made-up languages! They can also be proper nouns. Go!

2006-09-08 14:55:21 · 8 answers · asked by ? 4

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8886095851884987053&hl=en

lids, don't try this at home

2006-09-08 14:46:34 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Father John walked into a bar and said to the first man he meets, "Do u want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said "Then stand over there." Then he walked of to another man and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father" was the reply. "Then stand over there with the other man." Then Father John walked up to a third man and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "No, I dont Father." The priest said, "I dont believe this. You dont want to go to heaven when you die?" The man looked at the priest and said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." :)

2006-09-08 14:39:48 · 24 answers · asked by butterfly 5

My mom asked me this, and I'm stumped.

What is greater than God, more powerful than Satan, and if you eat it, it will kill you?

Apparently 80% of the graduating class at Stanford University got the question wrong, while 90% of a kindergarten class at some elementary school got the answer correct. HELP!

2006-09-08 14:27:29 · 13 answers · asked by brevejunkie 7

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

2006-09-08 14:25:39 · 19 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
Both the wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.
the moral of the story:
Men who are ungrateful should remember that fairies are female! :)

2006-09-08 14:23:31 · 10 answers · asked by Helzabet 6

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day;

All the freaking people who said, I'll never amount to anything, well, everybody getting these jokes can attest that I'm the best freaking "bad example" you've ever known!

A well-endowed woman entered a chic Madison Avenue boutique and tried on every evening gown in the store.

Finally setting eyes on a very sexy, low-cut dress hanging in the display window, she asked the exhausted sales clerk if she could try it on.

"Of course, madam," he muttered through clenched teeth, squeezed into the window, and began the painstaking task of taking the dummy apart to remove the gown. Eventually he succeeded and was able to hand it over to the demanding customer.

"How do I look?" she asked, emerging from the dressing room. "Does it show off my superb breasts to advantage?"

"Oh, absolutely," the clerk assured her, "but do hairy chests run in your family?"

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-09-08 14:03:49 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

haha....ok now u tell me a joke...the best one will get 10 points..

2006-09-08 14:00:25 · 11 answers · asked by ♥ 3

2006-09-08 13:58:40 · 11 answers · asked by traceyhinton1970 2

2006-09-08 13:55:41 · 6 answers · asked by ? 4

I went to kfc the other day and ordered a # 2 with mac and cheese and a extra biscut. The lady siad i am sorry we dont have any breast.
I said thats ok can you suck a dick.


Why did they lay rock Hudson to rest face down?

So his friends could have a cold one.

Now they are going to have to be good cause those are some funny jokes .

2006-09-08 13:34:27 · 6 answers · asked by squiggy 2

with a buck skinned belly and a rubber butthole

2006-09-08 13:31:46 · 6 answers · asked by ? 4